What a day…

Ever get the feeling you’re being mugged off by pretty much the whole universe? Today has been one of those days.

I’ve decided to write because hopefully by the time I finish I’ll have changed my mood from ‘grumpy victim’ to ‘tomorrow is full of opportunity’. Let’s see how it pans out…

Employing young, sometimes talented, usually scarred fundraisers is a pretty consistent pattern of love, hate, inspiration, frustration, high fives and disappointment. This much I’m prepared for, but either I’m getting old, or the extremes of these emotions are bordering on bi-polar (excuse the belittling of such a serious disease).  I feel compelled to nurture and extract the best from every talent pool, even the current breed of ridiculously self centred, short term thinkers that I’ve found myself paying good money to for what seems to be a rather robust rope in which to hang myself with.

Today, and yesterday it has been emotional trying to harness this obvious fledgling talent. On top of that, some well established talent, well documented world class service gave me some pretty serious nonsense to chase too.

A little while ago I wrote in this blog about my excitement that I was to be taken into the Royal Marsden once more and operated on for (surely) the last time. The dates they threw at me (13^th and 20^th August) passed without so much as a courtesy call. I chased, I called, I then had to postpone. Finally we had what in my mind was a ‘pre-op final check up to determine the date, which would clearly be imminent’ appointment. Previous prolonged disappointment should somehow have prepared me for todays’ outcome.

No operation date. No commitment it’ll even be this year. No guarantees the operation will even be successful.

I verbalised my thoughts that actually, I wish I’d never had the procedure. I almost broke down in tears, I held it, but only just.  Poor Francesco was clearly genuinely upset by this. Somehow I felt a little better knowing I wasn’t just another statistic, another one that went 98% right from a surgeons perspective, 98% wrong from a patients perspective. In reality, I know that i took the risks and the longer I have to heal before the operation, the better the chance of success. The change in direction today is for my own good, not for the good of the hospital, but it is sometimes so hard to accept that the emotions run high. 

One thing is for sure. Most of the people in that waiting room today were much worse off than me. Perspective is sometimes only acheived for me in environments as brutally mortal as this.

A couple of kind people, nice Peroni’s and now this opportunity to vent later and I’m feeling a little better. I’ve got something rattling around my head, and as I’m on the train I don’t have the internet to refer too to make sure the quote is verbatim, but I remember old Evel Knievel once said of his ailing body after attempting to jump more buses than he was clearly able too.

“bones heal, pain is temporary, and chicks dig scars...”

Kinda sums up how I need to approach tomorrow, tonight even. Tough day, but it as always going to be, as 11 months of talking like I’m deaf and walking like I’ve got one leg longer than the other and pretty much constant pain kinda adds pressure to moments like todays rendezvous.

Bones heal, pain is temporary, and chicks dig scars. I’m gonna run with that thought and hit the train back to London tomorrow with a view of creating a reality that makes for a much more jolly journey home. Pass the Peroni bar tender, I’m not afraid of taking on a little emotional assistance if it’s on offer…!

One Love

Jez

x

Is it though bruv?

Another week has whizzed by, blurry and eventful. I caught myself feeling old on Thursday, which is unusual for me. Most people my age (I'll be 40 in February), say they feel old for whatever reason, but I had a flash moment this week that had me thinking about the milestone that is hitting me 5 months today. 

We had a day off on Thursday and took the train to London, Fi, the boys and I. We hooked up with a couple of lush friends and took to the park, via a mojito bar. 30 degree sunshine, a picnic fit for Royalty and Hyde Park in all it's beautiful people glory made for a perfect afternoon of laziness and happy vines. However, on a quick walk to the infamous public toilet, thinking about playing out my impression of George Michael I saw a few whippersnappers that were at least 20 years my junior, doing nothing much really. Smoking some weed I guess looking at the way they were laughing, hanging out, no reason to ever fear the consequence of any action they might decide to take once the giggles alleviated a little. I felt a short pang of melancholy, no that’s too strong a word. Envy maybe, just a tickle.

I’d say I’m a free spirit. But in that moment I had a reality check about who I now am. Taking a ‘day off’ to hang out with my family actually involved me taking my Mac and my iPhone on the train, making/receiving maybe 10 work related calls, loads of emails, reports and then meeting a client (all be it in the mojito bar). It also involved not using the underground because a double buggy which is fully laden with a day’s survival kit for 2 boys and one yummy mummy is a pretty heavy and wide load. My walk to the George Michael’s favourite hang out was also tainted by pain in my toe that had me wincing and hopping. That moment, I didn’t feel so free spirited any more.

There’s a lot riding on these shoulders it feels. Never before have so many seemingly depended on me being Jez at his best. Jez at his best is capable of a fairly heavy load and I do feel like every week I’m getting stronger. I just hope I can deliver everything to everyone without compromising myself or making myself step backwards emotionally. I’m off to the Royal Marsden on Wednesday, for a proper poke around, pre-op, before finally booking in and getting my mouth stitched up, hopefully once and for all. I can’t pretend it’s not weighing on my mind and the fact that I woke up this morning because of an excruciating pain in my left leg hasn’t helped. The mouth needs sorting, then I have to deal with my leg/foot/toe because I’m literally hobbling around the house today with no idea what happened to cause such a harsh breach of my slumber, but very aware that I’m extremely grateful that Marge has an automatic gearbox for the ride to the office in the morning.

You know what though. I’ve lived in the past; I got stoned in the park before they did. I could go and get stoned in the park now if I wanted too. I could live in fear of tomorrow, like so many of you do on a Sunday night, but I don’t do that any more either. Now, I live for today, because today has been a cool day just hanging out in the house and watching trash TV, eating naughty food and remembering how I know I’ll feel 5 months today. I’ll feel amazing, because I always do on my birthday. Since being told at the age of 29 that it would be unlikely that I’d see my 30^th birthday, every year feels special. 40 will be a milestone that most of the medical books (or bookies) would have given me some pretty long odds on. I’m getting older, bring it on because it really is starting to feel like I’m growing into my life.

Living in the past, or in fear of the future takes these moments, this moment from you. It compromises the quality of your real-time ability to live and enjoy the actual life you’re living. The past is dead, it was only an opportunity to learn. The future is nothing more than a guess. The only time is now, so make the most of it before it becomes a bad memory of self perpetuated guess work. Create your own brilliant reality because luck has nothing to do with it...

One Love

Jez (39 and 7/12)

x

What a weekend...

Being a father is ever more rewarding. This weekend I’ve been a single dad to 14 week old twins. Kinda, just for 24 hours, but it has been some adventure. 

After what can only be described as a full tempo week, taking in 3 major cities, a night in a pimp hotel, a booze cull because of a need to focus on the job at hand, hiring, firing, event booking and whatever else this new master of no trades is poking his nose into, I sit here on Sunday afternoon feeling blessed, totally and utterly blissed out. 

So, mummy had a serious day of hen clucking and hen night strutting to attend. Daddy was wholly in charge of the gaggle for 24 hours. We fed, we shit, we slept. We dropped mummy off at the hotel, we went to the kite festival and we were far too young to figure out what was going on. We went for a picnic in the park, well, chips and milk and nappy refreshing. We took the buggy on an adventure, making a few stops along the way to refuel. Then a little social with good people who I haven't seen for a while. We took a slow walk home through the park in the dark and took in the view from the highest height, over the rooftops, whilst I almost had a heart attack after taking on the evil shortcut up the hill in Victoria Park. We staggered home downhill almost too delirious to hold onto the buggy as it willed me to let it career off down the park towards certain danger. We were home. We pulled out the sofa and made it into out bed for the night and flicked on the TV just in time for MOTD. The next thing I knew it was 3am and mummy was fumbling with her key in the lock and then pretending not to be tipsy (we knew better though mummy, but we knew you deserved to let your hair down) before tottering off to bed upstairs. Pierre joined us and we were all a kip on the sofabed, the O’Neill Boys Club, a secret club, a circle of unbreakable trust, the lions pride. A few feeds, a few hours of sleep and a whole lot of Sunday morning laughter later and I'd managed to complete 24 hours as a single parent. 

It wasn't harder than I thought it would be. But, it was one of the best 24 hours of my life, a moment in time that I know I’ll never forget. We talked about all sorts of stuff. Mostly nonsense forgotten as quickly as it was babbled. But, we talked more about one thing than anything else and it was probably the only coherent chat we had. We repeated often how proud of mummy we are and how much we love her. Ok, I did the talking, but we were all in agreement. These boys are such wonderfully happy souls, always smiling, a real testament to the beautiful life they have, thanks mummy.

One Love

The O’Neill Boys Club

x

I have a Dream...

I have a dream that we can breakdown the corruption, the greed, the selfish and the morally bankrupt regimes. That we as the people have the strongest voices, the loudest cheers and the biggest hearts.

It’s incredible that such a complex, intelligent and creative race could create such devilish destruction and tyranny. I’m not talking about Syria parse, more so the poison that motivates people to cause such atrocities. How does this race of poets, musicians and brilliant souls turn into self destructive parasites?

I have a dream that together, we the majority, we the people, we will win the war against the tiny minded self-gratifying and we will be a beautiful race capable of fulfilling our potential.

This dream of mine centres around the need for me to carve out a path of love, laughter and opportunity for my family. I won’t rest until I’m happy that they have everything they need to prosper in this beautiful universe. One small step at a time, we have to create positive change. We can’t create positives with negative actions, that’s not how it works.

Blaming immigration for anything. Shouting out Islam for something or nothing. Making the decision to compromise someone else for ones own selfish gain. Spreading hate. Revenge. Gossip. Murder. None of these things will ever make you happy. None will result in positive conclusion to your frustration. You can’t create happiness through selfishness and hate. True happiness, a true sense of inner peace can only be something you manifest through kindness and honesty.

I have a dream. That dream is ‘Be Nice’. Just fucking ‘Be Nice’ to each other. Be compassionate, be part of this revolution of love, I urge you to please just love the life you have, while you still can.

I’d love to take credit for this next paragraph but someone far more eloquent penned it and I’ve only recited it. I can’t remember who it was. It sums up this blog entry perfectly.

“We are going to win, because we don’t understand politics. We are going to win because we don’t play their dirty games. We’re going to win because we don’t have a party political agenda. We are going to win because the tears that come from our eyes actually come from our hearts. We are going to win because we’ve got dreams and we’re willing to stand up for those dreams. We’re going to win, if we work together as one because the power of the people is so much stronger than the people in power…”

RIP Rev. Martin Luther King. Today, 50 years ago you made a stand that changed humanity. Live on….

One Love

Jez

x

Hi all

I'm seemingly less and less frequent on this blog of late. I think about writing a lot, but I'm struggling to create the time to be creative. My energies seem to be focussed on the physical rather than the literal. This morning though, things are pretty chilled in Chez les enfant, so here I am. I hope you're still there, not totally disbanded due to me lack of activity. 

The reason I've decided to ink this diatribe is because I'm reading my social media timelines in despair. So much hate, so much anger in people's tones. Proud to be angrily British? Proud to be complaining about everything we hate about everything we love (apparently). Happy to sit on our arses, making noises, spreading hate, doom and reading The Daily Mail and it’s vile right wing poison. Tommy Robinson and his following of the delusional & angry.

Surely pride should be taken from a nation of inspiration. From the Muslim immigrant Olympic and World Champion athlete who has just worn the flag with so much pride and grace?

You know, no-one is ever immortalised, or creates a positive legacy through the currency of hate. This nation, possibly the most globalised of all nations, the most deeply cultured place on earth, can only be truly great through love and embrace, through sharing and caring.

How can our children enjoy a beautiful life of their own? Through the spreading of murderous idle threats, media controlled by the government and greed at every level of society? No, our children need to have their innocence protected from the haters, whomever they are, whichever race, creed, religion or football team they claim to represent. Show them love, inspire them through creative, positive actions. Sing, dance and take action. Think freely, stand tall and be proud of everything you can help them become.

Hate cannot drive out hate, only love and do that. Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.

One love

Jez

x

It's only Friday night. This week I've been on a totally tropical trip:

So far, since Monday morning I've; Fundraised, been wrongly persecuted, wholeheartedly supported, entertained, smashed target, let down, had a parking ticket, argued with security, laughed with, laughed at, travelled across the country, set up campaigns, arrived on time, arrived late, drank cherry beer, trawled the streets of Soho, trained with passion, inspired others, been inspired, hugged, been thanked multiple times, been disappointed, been flabbergasted, missed my family, been x-rayed, been fobbed off, been delayed, had burst pipes, seen balloons, had one of the most inspirational chance meetings ever and now sit in silence after a fractious few hours with my boys. It's only Friday night...

Safe to say, that this week has been exhausting and exhilarating in pretty equal measure so far. Tomorrow is going to be a carful balance of work and family time, and I suspect many surprises lie in wait if it's to measure up to the first 5 days of the week. Sunday dictates rest, respite and recuperation. 

I need some time to gather my mind, cool my jets. I don't think that living life at this pace is sustainable if I'm to maintain my strength and my inner peace. My head feels chaotic right now, kinda buzzy and tripped out. I'm still a little perturbed at the early week wrongness, which refuses to crawl back under its rock. This and the logistics of trying to run 2 businesses from 250 miles away, the ongoing disappointment of post operative pain and no seeming resolve other than waiting an estimated 30 months for the nerves in my foot to repair, have got a little inside my psyche.

A lot has been achieved though this week. Blimey, I’ve covered some ground, set up some really exciting stuff for the near future and I’ve probably had more gratitude for my influence on the Universe than I can remember. Many happy people, a few eternally selfish people and one particular tyrannical moron. I guess the happy people dominate and it’s you (as one of them) that I need to focus on tomorrow in order to get to the sanctity of a lazy Sunday…

Thankyou happy people, you make my whole world a totally tropical trip….

One Love

Jez

x

Hey peeps

I've not created the time to write for a while so I'm a little disappointed that I've found myself putting cyber ink to interweb paper after such a moody day. I've had a strong day on the whole, but I struggle to overcome people doubting my integrity at the best of times, on this occasion the lack of credibility in the claim is so blatant that my frustration comes not from the lack of faith, or the desperate throw of the die, but at myself for allowing it to get under my skin. 

I'm surprised that given my current charge for emotional utopia, that such a pathetic little weevil could even get close to breaking my spirit. It goes to show how complicated and vulnerable the human psyche can be. Me, feeling strong and buoyant after some of the most wonderful weeks of my life, cruising along and generally loving life, sideswiped by something that has no substance or direction. Odd.

I guess that I’ll be up and at it tomorrow though, such is the way I roll as a rule. I’ve got so much to focus on this week, covering a lot of miles, a lot of working hours and a lot of potentially brilliant fundraising, 3D glasses, timely trains, great training, fun and smiles. It’ll take more than a fool to knock the momentum from this old beast.

You live and learn who to trust I guess. I’ll always get caught out though because I’d rather demonstrate trust, faith and the benefit of the doubt in humanity than live life in a state of fear and paranoia and a total lack of expectancy from everyone around me.

As a firm believer that reality is something I create rather than happen upon, I feel it’s critical to expect the best of people because maintaining my core ethos and ethics will determine the outcome of every obstacle, as I am stronger than anything that is thrown my way.

Or, I can recommend the beautifully distracting smiles of 11 week old twin boys. With these guys on my team, what could possibly stop the good vibrations?

One Love

Jez

x

So the blind optimism and bullish determination has proven a winning strategy! Met Mr. K, Francesco, Sarah and the rest of upper class London today and my mouth operation is happening in August. It’ll be either 13^th or 20^th I think.

They’re going to stitch up the hole with a ‘lateral wotsit’ and a ‘something else’. On top of that, these horrible temporary teeth are coming out whilst I’m under anaesthetic and new beautiful ones are being made. Result!

Finally a beam of light in this rather drawn out story. I can’t describe how mentally challenging it has been trying to crack on like normal with this impediment. It may seem like a minor thing, something that many people deal with everyday, but my career, my social standing, my whole persona has had to take a step back because of it.

I’m not lacking in confidence, I’ll grant you that, but my ego has been given a right going over in the past 9 months. I’ve basically had to reinvent myself physically, professionally and mentally. I’ve had such a wonderful support network and my girl and boys have kept my motivated whatever the weather. Sat here now, I feel that I’ve grown immensely since I started this blog. I’ve definitely found the real me again, after losing my direction for a while. A more humble, self-aware version of me has manifested from the total loss of control I experienced last year.

I’ve said from the start of this adventure that this is probably the most significant period of my life and that I have to harness it, make good from it and become stronger positive force.

There’s no question that I’m growing into my own ideals, I’m happy, really happy in my core. I have a level of inner peace that I’ve not felt for many years. With a renewed ability to communicate, chat, banter, I’ll be saying “Watch out world, Big Daddy’s coming at ya…”

One Love

Jez

x

Evening Ratfans,

Well, the Tuesday blues had no time to show their sorry faces today. Twas a long and fruitful one, no respite for ill behaviour. I had a series of positive moments today. Phone calls offering work and good news. Emails thanking me for a job well done and asking for more of the same. A pair of beautiful smiling faces staring back at me every time i popped in and out of our sinful living abode. And fried chicken for the team for being so lush and hitting their targets. All in all it has been a breeze and I've been left wanting more.

Unfortunately, my working week as a provider of lifts, chicken and random motivation has come to an end. Tomorrow is D-day at the hospital. Back in Chelsea to talk (ironically) about my broken mouth. About how we move forward with the operation because I really have reached the end of my tether with regards to talking like a deaf person (no offence to anyone of impaired hearing, but I'm struggling not being understood), walking like a rude boy (but the limp is real) and the many compromises that accompany this physical wreck that I've become. 

I must try not to be fobbed off with compliments about how good my voice is sounding compared to last time. This ploy will not disarm my quest for rehabilitation and definitive conclusion to 9 months of this utmost frustration. 'Be Nice' is very difficult when everything i say has to be repeated 3 times just to make any sense to anyone. Being totally incapable of any exercise because my foot is useless and in constant pain which, coupled with a diet the original Big Daddy would be proud of, is  contributing to monstrous weight gain/chin multiplication. 

My physiotherapist said this morning that my sural nerve is repairing at the rate of 1mm a month. Bearing in mind the trauma site is about 200mm from the toe I still can’t feel, she said it could be years before I get sensation back in the little toe on my left foot. Not good news you might think, but she also said the physio we’re doing is making positive steps and she thinks I’ll be back in normal(ish) footwear in a matter of months.

So, I’m taking this hypomania mood with me into the fray tomorrow. Happy hysteria and wild abandon as I tackle the resistance to put me to the sword once more. Wish me luck, I have no plan, only a false sense of confidence and a rather splendid Tuesday to spur me on…

One Love

Jez

x

Hello Halo, 

Another week has past since the last post, this is becoming a familiar pattern. I've had stuff to say this week, but it feels like I haven't had a moment to myself to gather those moments of clarity and put pen to paper (or fingers to keys to website etc). Life is rushing along as a pace I've not experienced for a long time. 

The perspective of time is something I'm always aware of. The first 6 months of this blog felt so slow, the operation, rehab (ongoing), the pregnancy, trying to carve out an honest crust all felt like I was running on a treadmill for a while. Now though, the weeks are counting up and it feels like I'm just clinging on for the ride. 

Felix and Rudy are 2 months old today. 'They grow up so fast' I hear myself stifle and refuse to say because I can't bear to become my grandma just yet. 

I've been thinking about business though this week. So, back in October I set up Ta-Da! (yup, that's the name of the business) with very little idea of what I was going to do with it, or how on earth it was going to actually pay the rent. 9 months on and things are shaping up. There's not a lot of ca$h mon£y stored in the high interest savings account, however, I feel that things have been successful in many other ways. I've run with my own ethos, totally and utterly me, no compromise, no-one else to blame, answer too, consider or debate with other than Fi. I think we share the same philosophy on the whole, so things are pretty cool. 

Opportunity has started to knock; stability is looking at me and beckoning me from the horizon. There's a flicker of interest in my ideas and me and I'm genuinely excited to be me, just me, right now. Of course, there's no-one else to share responsibility with (blame!) if it all goes horribly wrong. It's all worth it, just for the glory mind. I love the glory and, of course, the attention. The purity of putting my ethics out there as a benchmark of measurement and ultimately my sword to live and die by is a real buzz.

I’ve confirmed that businesses can still be run with a strong moral compass and a common ground with the Universe. I work with charities, so it's crucial to me that I share their needs, rather than work with my own agenda. I work with people, so I need to feel that I'm offering them the opportunity to succeed. I work with my reputation in mind, so I have to make sure my decisions represent my whole being. 

Compromising everything I stand for by being selfish, or decisions motivated by the smell of ca$h mon£y would pretty much invalidate everything I've become. I feel like I've really found myself, my direction, my old self in this past few months and I've done it without contradiction of my inner peace. I’m far from reaching my goals, but I'm within sight of them still and I'm able to be patient enough to wait longer for some of them. Being me is never easy, but working for me is pretty cool, I hope it's working for everyone else because this revolution will be televised...

One Love

Jez

x

This evening's service will be short and sweet. 

This week has been emotional. There's a certain degree of pressure resting on these shoulders, it has been building for a few weeks and it sits with some unease. Forward motion must be forthcoming with certain aspects of my life in order to ensure the rather brilliant first half of 2013 is equalled, nay surpassed, by these third and fourth quarters.

However, the quest for immortality has begun. This is exciting, and has brought this specific quote to the fore of my mind. 

“My music will go on forever. Maybe it's a fool say that, but when me know facts me can say facts. My music will go on forever.” 
― Bob Marley

If Bob can be so bold, then so can I. Me music may not be me own, but one person at a time we’ll crack this ‘Be Nice’ thing and once we’re up and rolling we will be unstoppable. Admittedly, it’ll be some achievement to have such a global influence as Mr Marley, but if I don’t set the bar high, I’ll never get out of Grantham, just ask Maggie Thatcher. She had the same problem and she'll be immortalised, allbeit for very different reasons to my mate Bob and I, we're freedom fighters, not the polar opposite...

One Love

Jez

x

Hey sun lovers, 

I've been quiet this week on here. Busy and pre-occupied with all sorts. Mostly though I've been putting some more thought to my post from Sunday, which touched on religion. I've noted the very muted responses, so I'm guessing not everyone is comfortable, or agreeable to my way of thinking. That's kinda the point of this website, it's not designed be something you always find affinity with, just something that represents me and my way of living..

So, I've been thinking about immortality and the best route to it. Bearing in mind I believe in evolution, and therefore by definition, I don't really think there's a fluffy cloud with my own harp player, or a burning chamber of eternal misery waiting for me, I'll have to find immortality without the old faithful method (A God, or Godlike character). 

My own experiences have taught me that my physical mortality is fragile and can be ended at any time. I've been lucky so far, but as they say 'there are 3 guarantees in life; 'you'll pay tax, you'll die, you'll be taxed on your death'. A tad macabre, but the fact remains that I’ll not live in a physical sense forever. Immortality then, can only be maintained in death.

If immortality is a legacy effect, I have choices. Act to feed only the short life I have left, or act to provide for the greater good. So, I could be selfish, earn a load of money, whatever the detrimental effect on other people, the planet, the Universe. Or, I can try to instil some values that contribute towards a better Universe.

I’m going for the latter option hopefully. But how? Well, is there any point in preaching to mum and dad, granny and granddad? Life choices have been made, opinions have been formed and all the preaching in the world is up against a lot of resistance from ignorance, greed and selfishness that is already deep rooted. I have 2 little guys though that I can work with. If Felix and Rudy can grow up in an environment of loving, sharing, emotional wealth and free thinking, maybe my immortality can be carried twofold into the next generation and the generation after that.

If I can inspire them through the basics and the tough times, fill them full of aspirations and ambition and above everything, give them hope, always hope that doing the right thing will help them prosper in every way, then they can be the vehicle of my immortality, as their offspring can be theirs.

If I can become a Superhero in the eyes of my boys, then I’ll be immortal forever in my own mind. Superheroes are immortal aren’t they?

One Love

Jez

x

Happy Summertime...

With it being Sunday and all, I thought that if I was ever going to touch upon religion on this site, it makes sense to do so on a Sunday. 

As I write this I realise that it's not a good idea. In my quest for total honesty as my commitment to this blog, and my very conscious understanding that you span many different faiths, religions, cultures and countries, I will struggle to put into words how I really feel about the spirituality I feel and live by. I'm already heading into dangerous waters, probably I should stop...

Well, I'm rolling now, so I'll keep it short and sweet. I don't understand how war, genocide, murder, rape, paedophilia, greed, corruption, human sacrifice, homophobia, racism or incest can be attributed to ones ‘faith’. I can see how they’d be attributed to one another in many ways. Why would anyone maintain any faith in a regime that tolerates the rape of children, but excludes people because they’re gay? How does Scientology have such a mass following based upon what is essentially a Sci-Fi story, written by a man dependant on prescription anti-psychotics? I'm at a loss as to how the legal age for consent in The Vatican is lower than it is in the rest of the world because of the enforcement of the Zanardelli Code, making it legal to have sex with 12 year olds (actually, I’m not at a loss, but feel it's obvious enough why this is the case without expanding any further myself). 

At it’s core, just about all religion is supposed to represent kindness, peace, love and integrity from what I can understand. This I can get my head around. The power of love, a voice from above, I can dig that.

I have a sense of spirit. I’m totally down with there being more to my being than the mass of slowly deteriorating cells that form my 6’ 3” frame. I guess I have my own set of beliefs and moral codes that I’ve not yet formed my own set of universal teachings from. ‘The Church of BigDaddyJezza’ would hold only one philosophy:

“Be Nice - We don’t need a temple or a book to quote from, hide behind or misinterpret. We can’t corrupt these 2 simple words with greed and unkindness. Just be nice, be kind, do the right thing”

This is as far as I dare travel down the road with this subject. Keep it unreal everyone...

One Love

Jez

x

Bonsoir,

Today would have been my granddads birthday. Something like his 97th (correct me if I'm wrong mum, I'm estimating) had he made it this far. 

Eric Seach was a stand up gent, a true inspiration to me. I've touched on the pathetic attempt at fatherhood my dad made, details need not be forthcoming at this point, but safe to say Eric stepped up when Terence O'Neill laid down. 

When I was about 8 and he was over 60, he took my sister and I roller skating. He’d never been before, but he got involved anyway. At 8, I ran rings around him, twisted him in knots and left him flailing, on the deck more than once. Whilst I never saw him as an old man, I think this was the day he first realised he wasn’t a young, motorbike riding, ballroom dancing champion anymore.

Certain things he did stick in my mind. We grew up with little room for luxuries in the family budget. Make no mistake, mum is a seriously smart family chancellor of the exchequer, but with not a penny from Terence things were seriously tight at times. We had the village shop for the whole of my school years and maybe 10 years into out tenure, mum wanted to freshen up the offerings and change the décor. I remember granddad being there for the whole refit. I remember he built all the shelving, displays etc himself. I remember his toolkit in a sack, I remember how hard he worked for his family that couple of weeks the shop was shut. Totally selfless, pushing himself to his physical limits. I loved that guy for helping my mum.

Rachel (my sister) and I used to go on holiday with nanny and granddad to Southwold. He used to take us up to the top of Canon hill and let us play on the canon’s, watching out for lifeboats and buying us toffee apples and making us promise not to tell nanny. We went to the church where they were married there. I drew this church on their 50^th Wedding Anniversary tablecloth, I was really proud to have been bestowed with the centrepiece of their most precious present.

When nanny died, and granddad was in full health one of the first things he did was take a holiday abroad. He’d never been overseas on holiday because nanny would always say to him that they would only go once they’d seen all of this country. They never did of course.

Granddad died about a year after nanny. He’d developed a big tumour, undetected and inoperable. He knew his work was done, he’d seen nanny through Alzheimer’s, he’d stood by her for over 50 years. They say everyone has cancer in them and it can be set off by anything. I believe this, because Eric would be here today if nanny had still been alive. He was the most dedicated family man I’ve ever met and he completed his purpose in everyway. I really hope I can become 10% of the man he was, because if I am, I’ll be a great father and lover.

I’ll leave you with one of my all time favourite quotes from one of my favourite ever books;

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.” ― Winnie the Pooh

One Love Eric

Jeremy

x

Life is precious. 

I used to think anyone my age (39), was really old. I was here for a good time, not a long time. I crammed a lot of good times into my life before I was diagnosed with cancer. I saw a lot of the world’s beaches, bars and beach bars in my early and mid-twenties. I visited some of the most incredible natural wonders and magnificent temples on the planet. I was the self-titled 'Party Captain’ and I was invincible. 

Then, aged 29 after feeling kinda out of sorts for a few weeks, I found the lump. The few weeks between me finding the tumour and being given the earth shattering news were odd. There was a sense of knowing, the reality that 'live fast, die young' was maybe not what I really wanted from my time on earth. A realisation that I was actually mortal began to hit me. 

Totally uncharacteristically, I'd been struggling a little with my equilibrium. I'd been feeling unbalanced in my core, so the lump, and the diagnosis kind of made me feel happy again. My concern over my chakra imbalance had been vindicated and I had something tangible to focus on fixing. It was at this point, that despite an immense feeling of gratitude and satisfaction I had from having had such a trouble free and adventure packed life, that I wanted to live for a good time AND a long time.

The greatest gift that cancer has given me is the knowledge that you only live once, so make it count, do it right, make lasting positive change and laugh, a lot. It’s no secret that I’ve deviated from this path in the past 10 years, but on the whole I’ve been here for a good time and 10 years longer than most people thought I would be. So far, so good then.

Now though, now there’s so much more to live for, so much love in room, the awareness of my mortality is stronger again. The concerns that maybe I won’t see the boys grow up, leave that positive legacy behind or let Fi make an honest man of me are permeating my mind. What if my nemesis throws another roll of the dice to bring me to my knees once more?

I have this image in my mind, one of Fi and I holding hands on the beach as old timers, just kicking sand and watching the sun fall over the horizon. It’s so vivid that I use it to remind me that until this dream is lived, I’ll be here, I’ll be fighting on and I’ll be working towards that moment.

Life is precious, don’t waste it hating and full of greed. Don't lay idle and apathetic. Spend it creating, loving and sharing….

One love

Jez

x

We have a new villainous duo; Hic Burpin' and the Dandy Highwayman.

These twins are pretty much the most outrageous criminal double act. Robbing us of our sleep and charisma and just as you feel they’re taking your ability to continue, they throw a cute glance and all is forgiven. You feel blessed to have been removed of all your worldly needs just for a peep at the handsome rogues.

It’s the opposite of daylight robbery, it’s the night time they’re pilfering. We have been told that little babies sleep for 16 hours a day. I can categorically confirm that this is total poppycock. I’d say they sleep for 12 hours maximum on some sort of tag team rota that always leaves at least one of them wide eyed and ready to steal the milk supply, muslins across their faces like masks and pisstools (sorry!) unloading at will.

Safe to say the sleep pattern has no pattern at all. Mum and Dad are hanging in there, working together, buying each other a few hours here and there to take the edge of the trippy brain draining poison that sleep deprivation manifests itself as. All told, we’re doing great I guess. We’re still smiling at each other, and at the tiny robbers. We got the love and we just need to remember to hug it out every time it gets tricky. That’s a lot of hugs..!

How life has changed. We’d definitely be onsite at Glastonbury by now if Hic and Dandy weren’t our new direction of choice. I can’t pretend I didn’t pass through the chaos that was Temple Meads this morning and feel a pang of envy, but I’ve been there, done that and I’ll do it again I’m sure. Right now, the BBC, the cider in the fridge and the total lack of sleep due to noisy youths will do us just fine. Rolling Stones is very tempting though, maybe just a few hours onsite wouldn’t do any harm…

One Love

Jez

x

Hi peeps. 

Well, i can safely say that this week has been less fun and full of groove than last week. Last week was especially splendid mind, but this week was a distinct contrast. 

Home has been less harmonious. Work has been less productive. People have been more obstructive. I've been a creator of my own downfall. Marge broke down, bless ber. I have man flu. 

But, the thing that sticks in my head more than anything, is Thursday night's networking dinner and ball. I figure that in order for business to grow and prosper, i have to attend certain events, meet certain people, pretend like i know what I'm talking about and revise from my bullshit bingo phrasebook. One thing i always find myself trying to overcome, is understanding what it is that other people 'do' for a living. 

On Thursday, I sat at my seat around the table, flanked either side by white shirted, dickie-bow wearing men. Both experts in data, or direct marketing guru's I'm sure, just like me. So, why is it that when i ask these people, who operate in my field, that I can't work out what they actually do, or what they might have to offer me, or me them?

Conversations pretty much went like this;

"Hi I'm Jez, how's it going?" (with my voice, and the background noise, I repeated my name 3 times, before we settled on my name being Jeff).

"Hi Jeff, I’m Walt, I’m great thanks, bar the fact there’s no meat in the starter, I mean, aren’t they catering for men tonight? ha ha ha ha ha” (I’d heard this joke 3 times before it was delivered with such conviction to me)

Steely faced, unable to hide my immediate contempt, I replied; “Yeah, I guess you’re not a salad man?”. Then grabbed the bottle of white wine, over filled my glass, didn’t offer it to anyone else and averted my gaze to the left where the other carefully selected expert was waiting to find out what I ‘do’.

“Hi, I’m Jez, how’s it going?”

“Hi James, I’m Roger, I co-own Crazy Cool Ltd” and then the magic words….”what do you do?”

“I buy, sell, and create data and I fundraise for charities, among other things, how about you?”

I don’t remember what he said, but it was something that sounded like this; “Oh right, I hit the ROI for the client, with the ABC and the Doh Ray me in the place to be..blah blah blah”. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“OK, so what do you actually do?” I asked again. Grabbing for the white wine again.

“I sell at market value, end-to-end service, high level blah blah blah.” Again, I was none the wiser.

I turned back to my right, hoping to find more common ground and was met with an immediate question; “So, I just had the new A5 delivered, how about you?”. “Me, well tonight, on my way here my 2004 VW Touran broke down, so I don’t drive anything right now”. I followed with “What’s an A5? It sounds like a piece of paper”. Of course I know what an A5 is, but this guy wasn’t getting away with this ridiculous chain of conversation. He was flabbergasted, I reached for the white wine, it was empty, I grabbed the red wine.

3 courses. A whole hour of this nightmare ensued. I got drunk.

You get the picture. This is the type of superficial, egomania that drives me insane.  Mediocre food, forgettable people, good wine and only one beneficially, the organiser who charged £140 a ticket. We left the building full of contempt at the whole affair and proceeded to hit Cheltenham’s bars and clubs to at least drown our sorrows. Anyone who has been to Cheltenham will know that, rather fittingly, it has about as much charisma as dried rice.

Tonight, I’m sitting here knowing that I still don’t conform and I like that. I don’t fit in with the suits and the bullshit bingo. I build my network by doing a really good job, or by being a decent human being. I am free, I am an individual and I run my own race. I live in a small house, drive Marge (who is alive again, thanks for the concern), laugh a lot, love even more and give at least as much as a take from the Universe. I love my life. I can honestly say that I am happy with my lot.

You don’t need to know everybody on a superficial level, just know a few people on a trusting, honest level and they’ll do your networking for you, whatever it is that you ‘do’…

One Love

Jez

x

Reality check..

Just had a reality check. I'm working from home this morning, giving mum a little R&R, hanging out with the boys and the TV is on in the background. There's a feature on Royal Marsden hospital. Peter Andre is on the screen, his brother passed away a couple of weeks after I left that very same ward, arriving home feeling sorry for myself. 

Watching this I realise now how lucky I am. Sure I had cancer, sure I'm still in pain pretty much constantly and my voice is barely audible to the untrained ear. But, I'm here and I'm enjoying life and I'm able to spend this morning with my new born family. I'm cherishing every precious moment, because this could never have happened if it wasn't for the NHS trust, the sheer brilliance of my consultants and most recently, the totally amazing support that I've experienced with the Royal Marsden and the whole team who have had to put up with me.

Cancer, so say Breakthrough Breast Cancer, will affect almost 1 in 2 of us by 2020. It's on the increase in UK. It's something that we have to accept is part of the fabric of our very being, it's something we're inherently frightened to death of. We don’t like to talk about it, we don’t dare think about what it’ll be like to get it. We smoke, we drink, we grow ever more obese as a nation, encouraging it to destroy us.

This moment, right now, has given me a little wake up call. I want to be healthy and mobile enough to be the best dad I can be. I need to stop hiding behind a sore toe and go get some exercise before I balloon in size and dangle the carrot of temptation to Mr Diabetes or my old nemesis, the big ‘C’.

The sun is shining, I’m off to the park to shake my gammy leg. I’m off to the park, full of the knowledge that I’m one of the lucky ones. As are you. Let’s cherish every precious moment.

One Love

Jez

x

Evening campers. 

Well, what a week this has been. I've absolutely loved it bar a little Delhi belly Monday evening. I've been to 4 cities, recruited, trained, driven, met, met some more, fundraised, celebrated, commiserated, stayed sober, been drunk on life and officially named and became the father of, Rudy Alexander, and Felix George O'Neill. 

I also just made Coronation Chicken sandwiches from scratch. I have no doubt whatsoever that they’re the best Coronation Chicken ever made. Mind you, i reckon 2 sandwiches cost about £7 and 45 mins of my life to make at home, so it makes you wonder what goes into one usually, enabling them to be sold to the public for £2 a pop. I guess, zero free range chicken, zero Bolst's curry powder, zero freshly toasted almond flakes, zero bread from Hart's bakery. I guess a little imported reformed chicken, bags of cheap mayo made with battery eggs and a bunch of other flavour enhancing E numbers. Critically though, zero love and very little time. 

Coronation chicken sandwiches taste better when they're filled with love and they've been given a little time. The money isn't important, the ethics, the quality, the thought and consideration are the reason this was the best Coronation chicken sandwich ever. On my first Father's day, I'm looking at this sandwich and realising it represents choices have as a parent. I can cut corners (excuse the pun), feed the boys any old filth, just for convenience because I'm too busy watching TV, working, focussed on my overheads, or just too expectant of their mother to add some love to their lives. Or, I can make sure they eat MY Coronation Chicken sandwiches everyday, in whatever guise they form themselves in. The creation of time is one of the most simple, but often unachieved acts a father can offer his offspring. 

This is the first Father's day I can ever remember being actively involved in, bar visiting my granddad with my mum. I have no memory of ever celebrating my dad's special day. Hardly surprising, he was a shit dad. He didn't find time, he didn't spread love, he spread misery and lies and deceit. The one thing I can really thank him for is that I know how not to treat my kids. I’ve had a great lesson in how to abandon your family, steal from and cheat on their mother and generally appear not to have any regrets. My granddad was my hero when I was a lad, he was more of a father to me than my dad could ever have been. This is why we chose George as Felix’ middle name, it was granddads middle name. My middle name is Charles, the same as my dad’s was.

Dark? Nah, not at all. I have absolutely no regrets about not making it up to him before he died. He was dead to me a long time before he physically passed away. I was a better son and brother the second I decided to leave him behind in the gutter and follow my own path. Today I sit here, proud, confident and so full of optimism for the future of my family. I know what not to do, but more importantly, I believe I know what I need to do to be the best dad I can be. Love and Time, the 2 critical ingredients in my Coronation Chicken Sandwich Family Philosophy…

Happy Fathers day Granddad...

One Love

Jez

x

Lovely day,

Smack dab in the middle, where it counts, right in the left ventricle, it’s a direct hit…

I’m feeling the love today.  So good to see people who’re happy to listen, understand the simplicity of the message, getting on board with this one man groove machine.

The Universe is showing signs of opening the floodgates and drowning us in its funk soul hyperspace. We’re awash in the waves of glittery grooves and sunny smiles. A rotten cancerous dream last night, that left me feeling decidedly vulnerable this morning was washed away when I looked over at Fi and the 2 little winners, all sound asleep, silent bar Felix’ ever turbulent nappy.

“When I wake up in the morning love, and the sunlight hurts my eyes, and something without warning now, bears heavy on my mind, then I look at you, and the worlds alright with me, ah just one look at you, and I know its gonna be…..

a lovely daaaaaaaaaaaay,”

That’s my week so far anyway. I couldn’t have asked for a stronger first 4 days and tomorrow we’re off to register the birth of the boys, which I’m really excited about. Daddy cool, official and everything, who’d have thought it? We do have around 16 hours to lock down Rudy’s middle name though, but I’m guessing it’ll be just fine by the time we get to the Registry office.

I wonder what else this week has in store. I wonder with high expectation. I wonder with wonderment at the possibilities abound. Eternally optimistic of course, a dreamer maybe, and idealist no doubt. Reality has never really been something I’ve had too much time for, ironically it’s kinda bogus, dude.

When I get in this sort of mood, I’m a total lush, all I want to do is dance in the dusty sunny rays and enjoy the ride.

My only advice is that you jump on the love bus and get in the bubble with me baby…

One Love

Jez

x

Evening all

So, you know what's been on my mind for the past few days? the one thing that has been buzzing around my tiny brain? "Just do the right thing" is totally in my thoughts. 

I watch the news, read the reports, hear the rumours and generally soak up the waffle. Mostly I have no idea what to believe, who to trust, why on Earth people find it difficult to consider the needs of the Universe rather than their own personal gain at every turn. 

So, what's wrong with doing the right thing? Not doing what's easiest. Not doing what will give you an instant hit of cash. Doing the Right thing is often tricky, it's often at the expense of your own equity, it probably involves sacrifice. 

I hear people justify greed by convincing themselves that creating equity now is all for their children, and that selfishness now will only ensure a prosperous future for thier offspring. Bollocks of course, our children don't need caSh mon£y to prosper. They need the time from you that you spend slaving at the office in pursuit of funds for the new pony and this years' football kit. In a game of Paper, Scissors, Stone for your emotional wealth, Time beats Money. Love beats Money. Money beats it's own drum, dirty and lonely, the kids ain't listening. 

So, let's try "Do the Right Thing" as an idea. I guess it runs a parallel with 'Be Nice', but it's more than that. 'Be Nice' is simple, just be nice. "Do the Right Thing" can take a little more consideration. It's not just a smile, a gesture of random kindness or a hug. Sometimes we need to make decisions that take us out of our comfort zone, away from the repetition of our previous behaviours to justify our own existence. "The Right Thing" is out there, for the greater good of other people, an altruistic gift from you to the Universe. 

Of course Altruism is hardly a selfless act. For me, it's the ultimate buzz to see positive change, the beaming smile of gratitude on the face of the beneficiary, or beneficiaries of your sacrifice. Therefore it's pretty much impossible to be truly altruistic I guess. I think it was Christopher Hitchens who said that Mother Theresa was the most selfish, fraudulent person on the planet, he had a point....

I see no harm in earning a few quid along the way and upgrading from a pony to a racehorse if you like, but share the love, man.

One Love

Jez

x

Supernanny is here!

So, today nanny met her new grandsons, she fell in love. Today has been a chilled, happy day. This week has been a pretty chilled and happy week. A week of all kinds of new opportunity and new beginnings, many different types of people and a sense of purpose, direction and forward motion.

The diversity of the individuals I've spent time with, interacted with, bantered with chased and avoided has been something I've really been aware of. On the whole, the quirks and specific uniqueness of these people has had me thinking a little. Most of the people I know, I work with, I hang out with and I have the pleasure of interacting with are rebels, oddbods, extremists and freaks. That may well include you. 

I hope it includes you because without us, this planet would be totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring. I know a few conformists, I enjoy fruitful relationships with hardly any of them. I'm attracted to, and I'm an attraction to, the troublemakers, the misfits, the punks and the lunatics. Takes one to know one they say, maybe so. I'm happy to be freak, to break the rules, to take a punt, to refuse to be a product of social conditioning and 'society expects'.

You see, without us, there would be no hope of freedom. If we all waited for the green man before crossing the road and believed the Daily Mail’s poisonous scripture, we’d just be drones, merely existing to service ‘The Man’ and reproduce more drones to further service ‘The Man’.

The reason, dear reader, that we’re drawn to each other is because servicing ‘The Man’ as we well know, is killing us from within. Without us, change would never be possible. ‘Be Nice’ would ‘Be Pointless’. It would be replaced with ‘Be Apathetic’ or ‘Be only who you’re told you can be’. No-one can tell us who we are, we are free to be whoever we want to be.

We are the children of the revolution.

One Love

Jez

x

Happy Humpday y'all,

I have no idea how we made it to Wednesday night so quickly. Especially with the nights being so long and the sleep being so sporadic. Oddly I feel Ok, even after last night being a really restless one.

Maybe it’ll catch up with me soon. Maybe my time is borrowed and I should have grabbed a couple of hours this afternoon when the chance arose. Maybe not, maybe I’m built for this.

I’m feeling the pressure a little. Maintaining concentration is something I strive for and oft fail to achieve. I’m easily distracted and very easily bored. I’m now virtually incapable of completing a sentence without forgetting what I’m saying. I’ve been interviewing people for the past couple of days and by the 2^nd interview it was evident that I should just observe and pretend to take notes rather than attempt to engage in any form of coherent conversation or questioning.

One great part of the process though is that I’ve been left feeling inspired by the interviewees more than once. Some really exciting prospects have passed by my blank stare and have booked their place in the training room with me tomorrow. I need to sleep tonight if I’m going to avoid complete embarrassment in the induction. It’ll be fine though, because I’ll be propped up with trusted, talented associates who’re keen for us all to succeed. There’s a camaraderie that makes me proud to be part of this movement, a gritty determination to exceed expectations and make positive change a daily motion. The opportunities are almost limitless, the energy is really healthy.

I’m a Rocket Man, in amongst the stars, staring down at the earth a little frightened about re-entering the atmosphere and burning up, but elated, floating, on top of the world…

One Love

Jez

x

What a difference a little sleep makes..

So, despite a thoroughly wholesome weekend of family, sunshine, food and frankly, a ridiculous amount of nappies, the cracks started to appear last night.

I guess that even my body, accustomed as it is to sleepless nights, needs a few hours to maintain a calm demeanour. Last night pretty much consisted of very little shuteye, I saw the sun come up, which wasn’t quite as amazing as it is sitting in the Stone Circle as Glastonbury, or out across the Indian Ocean from Little Vagator beach in Goa, after a night of starry eyed love and dancing. It was more akin to that moment of clarity you get after tossing and turning all night, because you’re worrying about the job interview the next day. You need 8 hours, because you have to nail the presentation, but the more you need to sleep, the less you are able. Then the sun comes up and it’s evident you’ll be working purely on adrenalin, your wits, caffeine and a whatever charm offensive you can muster.

So, the mood was a little fractious. The rose tinted specs lost a lens (or 2). The smell of baby poo was suddenly rather unpleasant. We bickered a little.

We’re strong, Fi & I. Headstrong too. We’re somewhere between ‘forming’ and ‘storming’ right now on the Tuckman’s Group Development Model. You’ve probably never heard of it, it takes this general shape; ‘Forming’ – Where the group is created. ‘Storming’ – Where the group jostles for position, establishing itself, the individuals staking their claims in the hierarchy. ‘Norming’ – Is where goals are clearly defined, responsibilities are clearer and it’s the point where the team recognises that to be stronger than the individuals within it, the individuals must relax, trust and work with each other. ‘Performing’ – This is the ideal, some teams breakdown, or continue on, never hitting the heady heights of its potential. We will, we’ll learn how to excel at our new roles. We’ll keep talking, sharing, caring and daring to be the best we can be. We have no choice but to offer more, as a team. Because our juniors need to witness best practice, they have to be inspired by our beautiful, unbeatable best. As Metallica once said; “Nothing else matters…”

Have a wonderful week reader, may the sun continue to shine on your soul....

One love

Jez (and Team JAFARAF)

x

It's Friday, yay!!

It's Friday, ooh how I need a drink or 10 because "after the week I've had, I deserve it". 

Interesting; the cycle of wishing our lives away from Monday morning to Friday afternoon and wanting it to constantly rewind between Friday night and Sunday night. Dead from the neck up until Wednesday lunchtime when we realise it's 'Humpday' and the new weekend is closer to us than the last one and all the fear and regret disappears, replaced with planning and anticipation of the next chapter of self imposed oblivion...

This is not how I live, of course, just a good friend of mine who wondered how to break the cycle. Ahem...

Actually, it's not the way i live anymore, but i spent many years existing in this manner and I only have to look at my Twitter or Facebook feeds to see that this is pretty much a rite of passage until something more fulfilling is achieved. Barely existing for half of our lives, living like there's not tomorrow the rest of the time.

I see dead people everywhere, sadly most of them are still alive. Merely existing is NOT living, it's a travesty. Don't get me wrong, I love Friday's too and I love that 'one pint' to unwind that is never ever just 'one pint'. But, I don't dread Mondays, I don't live in fear of the unknown. Cancer has taken a lot from me. It makes me more emotionally vulnerable, it has stripped me of some of the qualities I pretend still bestow me, but it also gives a little too. It gives perspective, it helps me get through life without worrying about being stuck on a broken down train whilst everyone around me is huffing and puffing, trying to gain eye contact with another mutually pissed off passenger in order to gain some kind of camaraderie.

It also, more than anything, has taught me that living as a victim of it, or any aspect of my past, is futile. Whimpering in the corner because someone nicked my ice-cream when i was 10 years old is never going to help me today, neither is blaming cancer for my lack of confidence, drive, ambition or achievement today. In the same vein, I don't live today just to map out the next 50 years of my life. I don't have a pension. I don't have anything equitable to speak of really. I know I'll be happy in my old age, I know this because I've learned, through cancer, that living is something that has to happen today. Living is not about sitting on a pile of ill gotten gains and rubbing your hands together. Living is laughing,  loving, dancing & sharing.

Be honest, how much time do you spend worrying about things you have no control over? How much time, in the present, do you spend cursing the past? Too much time, that's how much. Right now, this is your moment, this is our moment and it's the most important time of our lives. I'm living my life in the present, I'm walking around with my eyes wide open, because the past matters not and tomorrow will be brighter because today has been truly lived. This much I know, so enjoy your weekend and enjoy your weekdays, each one is brand new and each one is your own unique moment in time...

One Love

Jez

x

Don't you know I hate hate.

Razzy Bailey (of The Aquarians fame) and the Neighbourhood Kids released a tune in 1974, my year of birth, that embodies everything I'm trying to be. 'I Hate Hate' is one of my favourite all time soul tunes, it goes a little something like this;

"There's so much hate going on today, on the right and on the left,

You say we hate our brothers, yes we do and we hate our ownselves,

There's even hate going on today between the young folks and the old,

Can't you see all this hate is eating up our very soul,

That's why I'm singing now, I I I hate hate, 

Everybody listen to me, I I I hate hate,

All sing together now, I I I hate hate,

But the good Lord above, don't you know I love love..."

39 years ago this song hit the airwaves, and the lyrics ring truer today than they did then. We’ve evolved how exactly? This vile hateful uprising against  ‘Muslamics’ or whatever hateful name that the EDL, UKIP and our Government controlled Media are spitting. They’re inciting an Islamaphobic nation through nothing other than the will to win votes, justify wars, distract the working classes from the real issues and destroy one of the most wonderful things about being British, our diversity.

Hate is never going to be a catalyst for peace. Hate will only ever create more hate, the motion is perpetual. To reduce the security risk, we need to demonstrate love, compromise, acceptance of change. Of course, there will always be extremes. I saw something the other day that helps give a little perspective; assuming all Muslims are a terrorist threat, is like assuming all Christians are members of the Klu Klux Klan.

Or, in my own case. My grandpa was Irish and a Catholic. So, I’m the grandson of an immigrant paedophile and I should be put ‘on the boat’ and sent back from whence I came. Stephen Yaxley-Lennon (AKA: Tommy Robinson, the leader of the EDL) is therefore more of an immigrant paedophile because both of his parents are Irish immigrants. No wonder he changed his name hey?

A few words I’ve found myself repeating regularly recently are:

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King Jnr.

I’m standing by these words. I’m standing by ‘Be Nice’ and I’m standing by my pride at being British. I’m from England, a land of cultural diversity unrivalled anywhere in the world. A land that travelled the world, left it’s mark and commands a language spoken by more people internationally than any other. If we can give it out, we should learn how to take it.

One Love

Jez

x

Bank Holiday weekend apparently...

This past few days has brought a whole new meaning to 'all-nighter' for me. I'm happy to say that despite the disrupted sleep and virtually housebound existence, our spirits are absolutely as high as possible. I love these little men, they're just a wonder to behold. 

Reality is very much dropping by to say hello tomorrow morning, as I mount the train for an 8:30am meeting in Bath. I'll be home by 11am though, ready to integrate back into the team. One thing we've managed to do really well so far is work as a unit, as a team. We're trying to make sure we stick to the plan, which is ultimately to survive the next few weeks without melting down. 6 days in and we really couldn't have asked for a more perfect start to parenthood. We're very lucky, but I always say that we create our own luck. Our reality is created first in our minds, then in our behaviours and then they become our reality. You can't win the lottery if you don't believe it’s possible or if you don’t play the game...

We're playing the game right now. It's not easy and we're still in a bubble of love and painkillers, but we've started strong and it feels like there's a momentum of love around us. The messages, cards, calls and tweets of congratulations and support have, at times, been overwhelming. It feels like the Karma Sponge, which has been saving up its droplets of wonder for some time, is raining it's magic water finally. With the boundless love we’ve had, we’re incredibly strong. Outside of this house, there's a lot of work to be done to ensure these beautiful people maintain a roof over their heads, I'm very much aware that I've taken my foot of the gas this month in order to concentrate on the safe arrival of the twins. However, they're needy, they're consumers of the highest order, they need me to provide for them and there's no way I can allow myself to let them down. 

I can’t see my personal physical needs being tended to as I’d like now or for the foreseeable future either. I’m in more pain this week in my foot than I have been for ages, but it has dropped a long way down the priority list. I think the self-reparation of my holey flap has slowed to virtually nothing and therefore needs the operation booking in, but when? I have no choice other than to march forward with other things, which is interesting, because 6 months ago my whole being was utterly dominated by my health and forcing the further operations as quickly as possible. Now, in this moment, there’s a bigger force pushing me into a much more altruistic path. I know this is the definitive time of my life so far, that every decision I make has to be one that I believe in morally and emotionally.

I live by the philosophy that if I make a decision with pure intent, I must never have regrets, whatever the outcome. But, if I choose a selfish path, whatever the outcome, it’s not truly possible to enjoy the spoils. I have a few regrets, but on the whole I like to think I can stand pretty tall and look back on my impact on the universe as a positive one, and that’s Ok I guess. There’s so much more to achieve, but for now I feel an inner peace that won’t be broken, not with my boys and my girl making me feel this unbreakable.

One Love

Jez

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It's all quiet on the South-Western Front finally...

I've sneaked off into the spare room to let the rest of the family catch flies for a little while. I'm feeling pretty spaced out, I'm pretty good running on minimal sleep as a rule though, so I'm hoping I'll ride these next few weeks out without losing the plot completely.

This love is real love. Those boys have taken over my whole soul, my every heartbeat. I've ticked every box on the cliché checklist, from “Ooh look at his little hand grabbing my finger” to “He’s got my nose” to dry retching at the first nappy and then cracking on with them from that moment stating “When it’s your own, it doesn’t matter”….

Those little men have made me feel so strong though, I feel like I know what I’m doing, like they have my lineage and therefore I feel their pain, share their fears and understand, far better than the doctors and consultants what’s best for them. We had a little run in with one of the paediatricians, he was being a fool, I let him know so, he kinda ran away all sheepish and came back the next morning and confirmed that Felix’ heart murmur had disappeared and the ECG he had to go through 3 times because the so called expert didn’t know how to use the machine, was a complete waste of time and stress on the baby. So now I’m superhuman, I know everything there is to know about parenting, which is pretty handy actually.

I’m going to start another new company I think. ‘Big Daddy’s Total Parenting Ltd’ will show other guys who were previously frightened of all babies or anything resembling a dirty nappy how to become SuperDad in 48 hours. I think I’ll make my legacy resonate for generations…

I jest of course. You and I both know that without Fi’s incredible talent as a mother I’d be found out as a charlatan within minutes. Let’s keep this top secret though because I don’t think she’s realised just how much she’s carrying my sorry ass just yet and I’m dreading the moment my buffoonery is unravelled in front of her eyes…

One Love

Jez

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Well, what can I say?

Right now, I’m just the most awestruck proud daddy ever ever ever. I’ve been to some pretty breathtaking places, done some incredible things, lived my life with many extremes, but I’ve never had a feeling so pure and uncompromised as this.

Felix (7lb 5oz) and Rudy (5lb 15oz) were born into this beautiful world yesterday afternoon. Mum is doing an amazing job, the boys are just the most wonderful gift, dad is pretty much invincible.

I’m sure that me writing a gushing tribute to my baby mother and my babies is the most predictable thing I could be doing right now, but this blog is almost always written off the cuff with only my current ‘thoughts of the day’ dumped into the mix and today is all about the faaaamily….

I have to leave the hospital at 9pm every night. I’ve been away from Fi and the kids for about an hour and a half and we’ve spoken on the phone twice already and will do again tonight I’m sure. It’s like falling in love all over again, finding the smallest of excuses to make contact, just to find out what’s happened in the 17 minutes since we last spoke.

Falling in love is one of life’s most glorious pleasures, it’s short lived as a rule, but it’s a heady, beautiful out of control feeling that can only be imitated, never equalled.

It’s gonna be tough mind, Fi hasn’t really slept since 7am yesterday morning and she has 2 extra hungry mouths to feed overnight too bless her. It’s tricky wanting to be involved, but not having tasty enough tits. I guess we all have roles in life and some things are for mums only. I’m keen though, I want to be involved at every level. A few dads I know have told me to make sure Fi manages to breastfeed just so I can distance myself from feeding duty. This is the last thing on my agenda, I desperately want Fi to start expressing so I can be the provider of fuel and nourishment too. Of course, 2 weeks from now I’ll probably be one of the dads that needs the sleep, time will tell.

Something amazing happened to me this morning. For 10 years the first thing I’ve thought of when I’ve woken up has been cancer. Every day without fail, it hits me before anything else. Not today, today I just thought of those boys, swiftly followed by the realisation that I’ve finally found something to take my mind off my dark spectre. Long may it continue I say, because waking up with a hangover and a smile on my face is a darn fine to start the day!

I don’t really know how I’ll get to sleep tonight, I’m buzzing, totally and utterly high on my own supply….

One Love

Jez

x

Better together, 

“Thinking of you, and the things you do to me…”

I'm staring at the screen, wondering how to put into words the total adoration I have for my wonderful soulmate, my perfectly tessellated jigsaw piece. We've covered a lot of ground in the past year or so. I guess you’d call it travelling without moving in the physical sense. We’re still here in Bristol, in the same house, but we’ve moved forward exponentially in so many other ways.

We’ve known each other 6 years, but I seriously can’t remember what life was like before we met. I was by no means unhappy, but it’s like my life had no real purpose until we collided in a clash of mutual appreciation of laughing, dancing, bantering and exploring. 6 years on, we’re moving headfirst now into the next phase of our evolution.

We can’t forget why we decided that we’d make worthy parents when the going is tough. We must never implode in a delusional sleep depraved haze. We know we’ll be tested to the absolute limits of our mettle. There’s no doubt that there will be moments where we shed tears of despair, but…

But, this is going to be everything we wished for. Be careful what you wish for they say. We were, we thought long and hard about this. We share a moral logic, we strive to see love prevail. Above all, we want to teach our boys about emotional wealth, not financial gain. Kindness is something that runs deep through our core, and it’s something that we will be determined to display, together, as a unit.

We’re strong, we’re better together. This one goes out to you Fi, you’ve brought more happiness and love to me than any man could ever hope for. Thankyou Mrs. O, you are simply beautiful….

We're better together, Fi and me. 

We're stronger than ever when we are 'we'

This team is doubling in size imminently

There ain't no stopping us now,

We're just we, me and my wife-to-be....

One Love,

Your boys

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