It's late. I'm not tired. 

My tiny mind is buzzing with the anticipation and excitement of the week ahead. I don't know how many times I'll update this site, I don't know what is going to happen to me emotionally. But, I'm ready. 

I've been readying myself for this moment for what seems like an etentity. Finally, my last Sunday roast in the pub alone with Fi, no-one else to consider, no-one else to feed, just us, has past. This time next week life will be decidedly less free and easy. Right now, in this moment, I feel calm. I need to write this, because one day I'll read back through these memoirs and retrace my steps. Tonights' valium like serenity will be something I laugh at no doubt, my naively chilled approach to what can only be the pinnacle moment of my life may serve to be wonderful preperation, or not as the case may be...

This is my moment, it's all about the here and now. The more I think about this, the more I realise that living in the past or in fear of the future is pointless. So often we damn the past for screwing us up, living in its shadow, letting it dominate today when it should be left where it was. Concurrently, we worry about the future, what may or may not happen. We live with an unhealthy fear of what other people are capable of whilst neglecting our own potential to flourish. The present is here and it's for living , so enjoy it because nothing else matters, nothing else will ever matter. 

Right here, right now. 

One Love

Jez

x

Testing times.

It has been a tricky couple of days in Jezville. Royal Marsden wasn’t as straightforward as I’d hoped. On inspection (an X-Ray of my mouth), it would appear that I have an infection in the bone/implant. Hopefully not a threat to the long term prognosis, but I’m on some pretty heavy antibiotics to fight the infection off before it ends with the implant failing.

I knew there was something wrong, the pain levels in my face have increased inline with the swelling in recent weeks. It’s odd, because I can’t feel the pain in the area that’s infected, no nerves in the donor tissue, but I’ve been getting more shooting pain in my face and all around the scar on my neck. The smell is minging too. I’ve got a real thing about bad breath, always have done, and now I have to live with it despite endless brushing, gargling, squirting of antiseptic and obsessive hand licking.

Poor Fi, she’s 9 months pregnant, immobile, unable to escape my putrid advances and her sense of smell is heightened to unchartered levels. She can smell me from 100 yards, never mind mid snore at 4am when she wakes up with her maternity related insomnia.

We’ve been up at St Michaels checking out the ‘birthing suite’ twice this week already. ‘Suite’ isn’t exactly the word I’d use for the overcrowded hovel of a ward, but I guess I must have been spoiled by all those dorms in India….

On top of all this, I’ve been working something like 15 hours a day, trying to suss out receipts and bank statements for a VAT return, driving around all kinds of neighbourhood with a carful of soaking wet fundraisers and running the rest of the business in my new office, who’s name is Marge, using my phone as a modem.

I was feeling sorry for myself earlier, but decided to drag myself into the office at about 5pm to discuss various options and left feeling on top of the world. An evening talking about resourcing and planning somehow drove out my darkness.

Never say that you can't do something, that something seems impossible, that something can't be done, no matter how tough or harrowing it may be; we are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We're in control of our own reality; when we remember this absolutely anything in the world is possible.

So I guess the poignant message should be; Master yourself, never be a victim of life, be its conqueror.

If I’d stayed at home, avoiding the inevitable needs of tomorrow I’d still be a mardy bum now. Goes to show that you gotta keep on keeping on….

One Love

Jez

x

From weeks, to months, to weeks, to days….

This is how we talk about the pregnancy timescale. We start of counting up the weeks, then the months. We then count down in weeks and now, finally in days. It feels like this experience has lasted for years, not only 8 short months. I guess they say that time flies when you’re having fun, so maybe the elongated distortion of the weeks is a tell tale sign of how gruelling this passage of time has been for me.

I suspect time will now accelerate out of control as I treasure the moments more, trying to keep them in the here and now. I wonder why a watched kettle never boils, what warps the mind so much that the good times roll by in a flash and the traumas feel like the arms are rolling anti-clockwise…

I’m off to Royal Marsden again today (Wednesday). We need to have a serious conversation about the state of my health. My foot is rubbish, 7 months on and I can’t wear sneakers. I tried on Sunday, dusted off the Air Max 1’s and within 5 mins was in pain that didn’t subside until Monday evening. My face is still swollen, and it’s still waking me up in the night with spikes of pain. The veneers are minging and smells like a tramps arse crack. And I can’t talk properly, there’s still a gaping hole at the back of my mouth that is rendering me impaired for many things that most of us take for granted.

If he asks me if I think this operation has been a success I’ll have to ask him if he’s having a bubble, because quite frankly my quality of life physically has never been worse.

7 months is a little too long to still be without any feeling across half of my left foot, other than the pain in my bone. This wasn’t part of the deal and it’s the one thing I need sorting more than anything else. I wonder what’ll come of this trip to Trumpton tomorrow.

I’m Ok though I guess, I’m pressing on, moving and grooving and turning the wheels of life just enough to keep the plates spinning and my face grinning. After all, I’ve got a couple of things that will distract me from my own issues arriving literally in days. Not weeks, not months, just daze….

One Love

Jez

x 

The manifesto for my success has to surround a few key practices;

I need to learn more about my market. I need to open my mind to new theories and other people’s best practice more. Doing what I’ve always done and expecting to grow and prosper is a fools errand. Learning from my mistakes and others successes is key.

I have to recognise my limits. I’m not too bad at this as a rule. I’m not a flapper, I know how to recognise the signs of my brain being fractured from over work or stress. But, I need to be sure that the people around me are aware of my limitations and I of theirs so we can maintain a healthy relationship. Management of expectations is something many businesses and relationships fail to maintain.

Knowing my spiritual and moral direction is something I’ve been working on a lot since starting this diary. This is very much work in progress and clarity is not yet fully achieved, but I’m getting there and I’m learning more about who, what and why I’m believing in me and my soul. I’m not guided by any God, but I have a belief in the Universe. I really feel that having a clear set of ethical and spiritual boundaries will help define my success and my self-belief.

This isn’t all about money. Measuring success on the highs and lows of the number in the bank account is a soulless, loveless void of greed and nothingness. Profit is critical; pretending that life rolls on good will isn’t what I’m talking about. But, the relentless slog for nothing more than a pile of used notes will render me devoid of any sense of achievement. Money can’t buy love, but it can keep us in nappies and romper suits, so there must be a conscious focus on the figures whilst respecting the previous 3 paragraphs.

Living with the physical damage the cancer and the subsequent operation has left is Ok, at least we’re finally heading into espadrille season so I don’t look quite as ridiculous as I did in the snow in slippers. But, harnessing the emotional baggage is more tricky. I can’t let it dominate my psyche anymore, because it’s a distraction that I can ill afford to hide behind.

I need to give time to my family. Quality time, dedicated time, enough time to make sure the means have an end and the wonderment can begin. The creation of time to free up the mind, the body and soul to function more lucidly is something I’m not that great at. Over the past few years there has been very little definition between my working life and my personal space. Neither have had any clearly defined boundaries and consequently my functionality in both has been compromised.

I know what I want to be doing. Right now, sat in the car, watching the new world unfold, pushing its green shoots upwards, shimmering with raw hope, I just want to be free, to be me, to see if I can pull this whole thing together despite everything. The time is now....

One Love

Jez

x

12 sleeps…

I’ll be a dad in 12 sleeps. How’s about that then? It’s a very long way from my life of rhyme, the disco fever that has pretty much defined the past 20 odd years.

But, I don’t see the good times ending with these new mini-me’s, I can’t imagine they won’t be getting down to the funk and dancing at the disco, bumper to romper, surely if it’s in the gene’s they have no choice but to succumb to the music?

This house was built on soulful grooves, sunshine beats. We love a whoop and a wiggle, we have no choice either, when it’s in ya, it’s in ya.

I really hope we continue to permeate our lives with the things we love and don’t follow the path of so many new parents who seem to lose the soul and togetherness that brought them together in favour or mere survival and the need to grab a quick 40 winks. With all the good things and all the new wonderful things, this boys’ life could just be heading into the stratosphere…

“Suddenly you feel it, as you watch your body move. The only way to heaven is through that pure and solid groove.“ – Jezism (I think)

One Love

Jez

x

Well, 

Finally, the eve of the first day of fundraising for over 8 months. It feels like I've been released from some form of exile. I'm well excited to be back in the mix again albeit on a much smaller scale. Scales aside, this feels real, like proper old school fundraising where I get my sleeves rolled up and my patter out. 

Ok, I’ll not be actually fundraising myself, but I’ll be out there with them, getting all excitable and soaking wet in the sodden rain. I'll be running the team, which is exactly the way I like it. My own brand of chaotic wonderment, my own little world of pride, my own Golden dawn. 

Of course, this is the easy bit, sitting here getting all giddy and full of insomnia. The reality is that this eclectic mix of people have to do the hard work, face the rejection, the racists, the rain and the apathy. The apathetic are the toughest audience to convince. Anyone who has an opinion can at least be engaged in debate, but those who just aren't bothered about helping anyone else are nigh on impossible to emotionally engage. 

The reason I got into fundraising was cancer, naturally, but over the years, despite my desire to raise funds for cancer appeals, I’ve found my heart is most naturally passionate about overseas development. Sustainable, positive change for humanity. Spreading global wealth more fairly would be such a beautiful act, one that could ensure everyone has enough food to eat, clean water to drink and a reasonable education. Nothing more than you or I expect for ourselves and our children, but 3 key things over 2 billion people will never have. Ha, I'm in the zone, forgive me...

So, these are very intense times. New babies and new businesses in tandem is a recipe for a distinct lack of sleep, starting tonight no doubt as my mind crackles and pops into life, running through the day tomorrow thinking about all the best possible outcomes. I love it, this is me in my element. Wish me luck, as always I’m going to need it, but then we all create our own luck, our reality is designed in our minds before we manifest it. Right now it looks like the reality is going to be absolutely the best fun I’ve had for a very long time…

One Love

Jez

x

Hi stranger,

Well, I’ve been less prolific on these chronicles over the past couple of weeks. Interesting that, in this time of self imposed mania that I’m not writing more. I guess my tiny mind running at capacity has left no space for creative scripture.

I’m hoping my next couple of weeks will see the intensity subside as the work patterns form some sort of routine and consistency. Consistency is something my life hasn’t had in it since leaving my job in October, I’ve literally been all over the place, geographically, emotionally and physically for over 6 months and despite a feeling of freedom and inner peace that I’ve not felt since the late 90’s travelling around the beaches of Asia, the process of trying to create this brave new world is clearly finally starting to take its toll.

This weekend has been beautifully timed in its sunny, loving delight. After a few hours of graft and final preparations on Saturday, the Bank Holiday has been one of serious social therapy. I love the sunshine; it just brings out the best in people and brings people at their best, together.

We’ve been in the park all day today celebrating Fi’s birthday (and her twin brothers, obviously) with family and friends and football and fizz. I took myself off for a few minutes and sat watching the group dynamics. Thinking about how we’ll fit in with the boys in tow and feeling a supreme confidence that this group of people who spanned 3 generations will always be there for us if we need help.  Along with the less local, but totally crucial extended family and friends that span pretty much every continent, we’re well looked after all told. It hit me today that it’ll all be just fine, whatever happens with the new businesses, the economy and even if UKIP manage to win a real election and everyone around us is becoming Daily Mail wielding Neo-Nazi Ultras, love will prevail in this home, within this community and with us all in our hearts.

We can’t be broken by darkness because we have light in abundance. Our 2 beaming rays of light will always drive out the darkness because they now are everything I need to always keep fighting the fight and dreaming the dream.

One Love

Jez

x

Evening all

Well, I’ve realised there’s only so much I can do in 24 hours and if I’m to remain in any way productive that has to involve a little sleep, a little R&R and a little less distraction.

I’m running at capacity right now. I really should take stock and try to offload a little of the mania. It’s unlike me to make stupid mistakes and this week has been riddled with those annoying schoolboy errors that haven’t permeated my life for a long time. I feel lucky to be able to recognise when I’m at my limits without really feeling manic and out of control, I know this isn’t the case for a lot of people so I know I’m privileged.

Aside from the intensity, a lot has been achieved this week and come tomorrow evening I think the hard work will more definitely have been worth it. Without applying specific timescales and targets I can safely say that this week wouldn’t have been so fruitful. I work better, faster, harder, stronger under some definitive needs, always have. One thing about spending so much time on my own in the past few months is that it’s so tough living up to your own hype when it’s only you that is hearing the swagger. In the presence of others, commitment is so much more final. It adds another layer of responsibility, maybe to yourself, maybe to someone else, maybe to a wider audience, but setting that goal in the company of others makes me strive that much harder to achieve.

All this achievement is futile without one key ingredient though. Without love what’s the point in hustling, wheeling, ducking and diving? Living a soulless life, a life without the ingredients to fulfil the inner self, the core of ones being, is without any true reward. Money is not a measure of wealth, or genuine achievement, it’s merely a number. 

As Mozart once said;

“Love, love, love, is the soul of genius…”

One Love

Jez

x

So, 182 days have past since my operation. Right now, 6 months ago, I was on the operating table and had been for about 11 hours. I wouldn’t open my eyes until around 10am tomorrow morning, 26 hours after being anesthetised. Today is a poignant day then I guess. 6 months on, Fi’s last day of work and I’m en route home after my last night away from home before the babies show their funny little faces. Today is a day of togetherness.

What a 6 months it’s been. Without a doubt, it has been the most challenging, ugly, brutal, humbling, rewarding, beautiful and amazing 6 months of my adult life. Seriously, I’m catching a few breaths now thinking about the rollercoaster of events, emotions and achievements and losses and it’s very difficult to say how it makes me feel.

I guess I just feel free. My destiny is in my own hands, this moment is the eve of the brightest dawn. I’m scarred, both physically and emotionally from this journey. I made the decision to take this operation on, to leave my beloved job, to try for fatherhood. I therefore am completely responsible for my current dynamic. I absolutely thought though that just about every aspect of my life would be different to this. It goes without saying that 2 babies is a ridiculous situation, albeit one that I’m very happy with. But, healthwise, it’s still very tough at times to deal with the fact that I’m living with so many compromises this far after surgery. My leg hurts all the time, my little toe is a horrible mess and I still have to wear espadrilles because of the pain. My voice is still a joke, even though people tell me it’s getting better and sometimes I almost hear my own voice forcing it’s way out once more. The pain in my mouth still wakes me up in the night, most nights (either that or Fi’s incredible pregnancy snore!). I’ve worked harder this past 3 months than at any time before, just to try to create a foundation for this family business, throwing endless hours and my soul into something or nothing.

It’s proper hardcore. It’s nothing like what the picture should look like. But that’s what makes it so incredible. Hobbling, hurting, wondering why, wondering how, wondering what happens next. But, I actually feel free and it’s the most liberating feeling ever. It’s all about me and mine and we’re just fine…

Thankyou for being my sounding board this past 182 days. Without you, I’m 100% sure that I’d be a little less full of wonderment. This project may well draw to a close at some point soon, but with it I’ll take these memoirs forever with me, along with some incredibly touching moments, new friends, reacquainted friends and my silent readers whom I’ll never meet and I’ll never know who are closer to me than many people I spend time with regularly. So, thankyou, you’ve helped me more than you could ever realise.

One Love

Jez

x

So, this is our reality check:

This week Fi is working her last 2 days before going on maternity leave. This week, tonight actually, is my last night away from the marital bed until the babies come. This week we see the obstetrician to finalise the birth plan. This week is all about moving and shaping things to welcome the long awaited arrival of our whole new world.

There’s one thing that will remain consistent though, the fact that I’m still tangled in the love of my soul sensation, Fi. I can’t say for sure what love is, maybe I’ve experienced it a million times before, maybe never. One thing I know though is that until you find that perfect connection with someone else, you really can’t know for sure who you are and what you’re capable of. Together we’re so much greater than the sum of our 2 (and soon to be 4) parts. I just feel that I’m a better human being, knowing I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with.

Whatever the weather, whatever the pressure, whatever the moment, we have the ability to simply say; “Whatever…”. We have the ability to tough out any situation, to lap up more fun, to enjoy the ride and bond ever tighter.

We bicker, we fight and at times we behave like teenagers experiencing a rush of moody hormones and stubbornness. But we recover quickly as a rule, because usually there’s something one has to tell the other that’s too funny to sit on any longer. To be fair, it’s usually me, Fi’s more capable of holding up the big mardy than me, but that’s probably because I can’t usually remember how the mardy began.

One big jump forward this relationship has offered is my ability to share more of my cancer darkness than before. I tell Fi things that no-one else in the world knows, or had known for the 5 years of living with this beast before we met. Her unwavering support is humbling.

Mostly though, we just dig each other. Our space is usually permeated with laugher and more than a little banter. Me in my element.

I only hope I can live up to expectations as a father and provider over these coming weeks, months and years. I’ve yet to prove myself on the biggest stage of them all and I have to admit I’m feeling the pressure a little as the dream becomes a reality.

I’m blueprinting, I’m creating my own reality, I’m determined to step up and add a whole new dimension to my being. What comforts me the most is that I know Fi’s going to be there to catch me if I fall, and I know it matters not how many times I fall, because I’ll ALWAYS get back up and take my dance into battle once more. You can’t keep this good team down……

One Love

Jez

x

This life is an education..

I've been reflecting, this past few days. Thinking about my world, our world and where it's at. I've come to the conclusion that we create our own reality and thus, if we decide it has been poisoned, cheated and failed by humanity, that's exactly what we can expect from it. 

Gandhi once said: 

Because if we believe in one and another, if we create a different reality and we become the cure to the ill behaviour (back once again like the renegade master, power to the people etc...), we are the ocean, not the few dirty drops. 

To create the oceanic movement, the powerful force of nature that sweeps up the bad vibes has to be our mission, our purpose. We create our own reality and that reality is beautiful. That reality is mine, one of dancing in a dusty haze of sunbeams and smiles. 

One love

Jez

x

    On the go…

I can’t believe how busy I am right now. It’s a little daunting really. I’m in the middle of an 8 night road trip, back late Thursday and then have 3 meetings in Bristol on Friday.

Daunting as it is, I guess it must be an indication of things starting to shape up nicely as far as work goes. I feel like I’ve earned it though, it certainly hasn’t been put on a plate for me. Unlike the copious amount of food I’ve consumed in the past couple of months!

I’ve lost my jawline, food on the run is just a lot more calorific than that of home sweet home. My podgy frame and chubby cheeks are an unwelcome acquisition of constant client and social entertainment. Fun acquiring, but well rid of once the babies arrive and I’m Bristol bound for a while methinks…

Knowing there’s an end in sight for this manic travelling and meeting and eating makes it a lot easier to digest (if you’ll excuse the pun). Hopefully setting up stable relationships so I can cover the overheads and feed the faaaaamily has been pretty much my main aim this year and I feel like I’m closing in on hitting my goal. I have to say that this past 4 months have been tough, but extremely rewarding professionally. I’ve rebuilt my confidence, I’ve created positive changes, I’ve been credible, the phone has started to ring and the income has shown a flicker of life.

I genuinely think that without all the adversity I’d never have been so determined to succeed. It’s like I’ve grown up, matured as a human and I’m so much more capable than I’ve ever been. These moments in time will forever shape my future and that of my family. It’s emotional, but it feels strong in my gut, like there’s a purpose and a mission that I simply have to complete as part of my fated destiny.

Whatever the next few weeks hold, I’m quoting the famous words of Freddie Mercury;

“Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time….”

One Love

Jez

x

Happy Sunday lovers,

Well, as another week draws it’s curtains and takes a bow, what have we taken from the past 7 days that’ll give confidence and mastery as we move into the next week of wonderment?

Me, I’ve learned that I’m pretty damn good at what I do. Despite the bravado, there have been times in the past few months, observing from the sidelines, that I’ve questioned every aspect of my own validity. I feel that this week has really cemented my self-belief and given me plenty to smile about.

I’m also in awe of my sister. Watching her be a brilliant mother to 2 year old twins whilst offering seemingly endless support to her husband and his family in the most challenging of times for them is totally inspiring and has left me beaming with pride. If I can emulate her selflessness and pass on her unwavering ability to parent and bring out the best in those around her, I’ll be the dad, lover and friend that I aspire to become.

I’ll take much into the new week, it’s going to be a beast, that much I know. Many meetings, some of which are destined to be a little fractious, such is the nature of my toil. I’m up for it though; each meeting, each challenge and each pitfall aren’t going to phase me this week because I’m feeling the groove, I’m enjoying the prospect of more learning and I know I’m credible. I’m slowly learning what my blueprint should look like. I’m not totally clear on the finite details, but it’s starting to come into focus.

The more I practice the mantras I’ve been preaching, the more seemingly comfortable with the future I become.

‘Be Nice’ is working for me and therefore I guess it’s working for those around me. I feel a sense of growing strength in my personal relationships and my professional credence by following this theory with more and more consistency. 

‘I had cancer, cancer didn’t have me’ is helping too. It’s harder to stay constantly on top of the demons with regards to cancer when my reality is still so compromised physically. With 2 more operations likely over the summer, I’m still fighting the spectre, but by reminding myself of just how lucky I am, that “I had cancer, cancer didn’t have me” I’m feeling that I’ve got more control than ever before over the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been riding for the past 10 years.

The prospect of Monday is actually exciting me this week. Now there’s something you don’t hear every Sunday evening….

One Love

Jez

x

Am I  a lover,  a fighter, or both?

I often state that I’m a lover not a fighter. More people tell me I’m a fighter than suggest I’m a lover though.  So then I guess I’m a loving fighter, because I’m really not a fight lover, or am I?

I’m not into fisticuffs, but I tell thee, I’m pretty much always up for a verbal or written ruck with anyone who contradicts my heavily compromised set of morals and disbeliefs.

I also know that when people call me a fighter they are pretty much always referring to cancer. My ongoing torment with my nemesis Mr Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma and his ghoulish band of mutant cells is a long raging war on the senses and I’m deemed a fighter for refusing to bend over and let it bugger me.

I have no idea where this blog entry is headed, by the way. I just thought I’d write whatever was on my mind and it would appear that I have nothing more than an open vacuum between my ears today.

I’m headed home, back to the hinterland, the flatlands of Lincolnshire by the most ridiculously overcrowded and ancient train. When they cancelled my first train with no notice I almost bowed down to the pressure and cursed the total shambles that is our rail network, but I didn’t, I just took a breath, figured that the extra hour gave me a chance to find some booze in the WHSmiths and am now rolling along with a warm glow and something deep and funky in my earphones whilst everyone else complains and moans about the state of the rail service to whomever will listen. Oh, I just did that to you, I think, or maybe not, it was merely an observation… ahem…

Anyway, I was late for the train the other day and fortunately so was the train and the guard even held the door for me as I ran across the platform shouting for him to do so. It’s all about give and take. The Karma Sponge works in mysterious ways and if you’re not carful you miss its subtleties and focus only on your misfortunes and failures.

So we now have some sort of point. It matters not whether I’m a lover or a fighter because everything is about balance. The sun is blazing, the weekend is upon us, the raging cancerous flames are under control and family time is imminent. This weekend I’m a lover and that suits me just fine….

One Love

Jez

x

Blueprinting

A blueprint is a precise plan. I’m in the process of trying to blueprint my mind in order for it to function at the level it has the potential to do. Working on the theory that everything is created twice; first in the mind and then when it’s manifested into reality.

Without a clear blueprint, the reality rarely reaches it’s potential. So, that’s why I’m trying to spend a little time each day blueprinting my mind. Trying to create my ideal internally isn’t as easy as it sounds and this is perhaps why the reality is also proving pretty challenging. I ‘kinda’ know how I’d like my world to look and it ‘kinda’ does, but it needs a lot of work to reach the core ideal that I desire.

Work, life, love, romance, family, friends and foe’s are all ingredients in the blueprinting of this boys soul. All have moments of absolute clarity and perfect positioning, but then the image blurs, one trips the other over and the house of cards is merely a game of 52 card pickup once more.

One thing I’ve really had clarity on, from the very beginning is that these boys of mine will have had a happy time in the womb, a healthy feed in Fi’s ever expanding bump. It’s been a clear blueprint health wise, I’ve not really had any fears about their mortality from the very first day we found out way back at the end of September at something like 3 weeks into the journey. Today, we had our final scan and all was very strong looking still.

With this in mind, my blueprinting exercise would seem to have some gravitas. Before manifesting the reality, the blueprint must be much clearer, much more precise. This is a real learning for me because I’m the master of hitting on an idea, running with it and then moving on to the next mind flash without really mapping and blueprinting it. If I could change one thing about me it’d be my attention to detail, so this is my focus right now.

I need to listen to my completer finisher, my pragmatist self and map my thoughts with no less energy, but a little more patience and consideration if I’m to realise my ideals.

Imagination is one of my most treasured assets. Blueprinting my imagination could hold endless possibilities…

One Love

Jez

x

Hi all

I write with sadness. Just watching the breaking news about bombs exploding in Boston, MA. Bombs positioned to maim and kill people who are running to raise funds charities working all over the world. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would want to murder, but I really feel confused as to why the mindless killing of people who are clearly involved in something globally positive and non-political such as a marathon would be deemed in anyway just. 

I understand 9/11. I understand the deep-rooted hatred of the west that has been partially created by the west and also by haters and militants. Attacking the World Trade Centre has an element of the obvious about it. Just to be clear, I have no sympathy for those who poison the minds of innocent, vulnerable people and create these evil attacks. Either terrorist attacks, the invasion of Iraq, Afghanistan or any other money, oil or drug motivated war crime wrapped up and sold to the public as an act of national defence. That doesn't mean I don't understand why the US and UK are targets for hate. But, marathon runners/charity fundraisers?

I just can't stop thinking that I have to get this message spread wider and wider that we must try to trust and 'Be Nice' to each other. What does it matter what colour skin, what ethnic origin, which religion? Nothing can justify the vile racism, xenophobia and hate crimes we see all over the world. Islam is a peaceful faith, so why do so many people fear it so? Christianity is a peaceful faith, so why do we assume it's so evil? Judaism is a peaceful faith, so why does it have a reputation for violence and greed? 

The media, the national curriculum, the government, the Illuminati. At their core, GREED. This tiny minority of greedy, corrupt, sycophantic haters. All with one common goal, to serve themselves. Money, is pretty much at the core of all of these atrocities. Whether it’s a reaction to the west’s greed, or a greedy western reaction. What's the difference?

No-one wins a war. No-one benefits from families being torn apart, from murder. Bottom line is that many more innocent people are likely to die now because of this situation. Whether or not it’s an inside job, it’ll be used as an excuse to justify another attack, probably on Syria, or Iran, or wherever else offers the US and UK more money, more oil, more opium, more whatever commodity the few will prosper from for making the decision to rape and pillage more innocents.

Spread the word. WE REFUSE TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH ANY TYPE OF MURDER. We refuse to endorse war, terrorism or any other form of inhumanity. We are the lovers, we aren’t the fighters. We just want people to ‘Be Nice’ to each other. Please.

This is dedicated to the innocent. 

“One Love, One Heart. Let’s get together and feel alright….”

One Love,

Jez

x

Fuzzy Logic…

I’ve had an emotionally charged few days. Wednesday started rosily, woken up to a cool present and massive congratulations from Fi for cancer cheating for 10 years. The day kinda passed me by though. We went to see the birthing suite at the hospital in the evening and I left there pretty underwhelmed, it’s hardly The Ritz. By the time we’d sat down to pizza I was struggling to maintain the momentum I’d expected to be rolling with.

I don’t know what I was expecting from Wednesday really. 10 years of being cancer free is obviously a real landmark, but it’s just a day, just another day. 

Friday however was a lovely day and evening. Loads of friendly faces came and shared the celebrations and we danced, oh boy did we dance. We even tested Marge’s 7-seat capacity and she performed fantastically en route to Mr Wolfs.

All this aside, I’m sat here tonight feeling ready for the next stage of living. Cancer now has to take the back seat and let the new focal points ride shotgun. Life is about to change up the gears and there’s no time for melancholy and procrastination, it’s full speed ahead, pedal to the metal, baby time!

Without having such a critical focal point to work towards I think I’d have found the past few months a lot more difficult to get my head around. Sure, at times I’ve been sat here in despair, wondering how to get back on the horse, but on the whole I think I’ve managed to ride this rollercoaster with a reasonably sound outlook and hope, always hope.

The future’s bright, but the present is so much more important to focus on right now. Too much planning and safeguarding and worrying about what might or might not will only compromise these precious moments. The reality is that we only have another 4 or 5 Saturdays lazing around the house at our leisure so let us just enjoy these limited, self indulgent moments to reflect, to enjoy and to feel the love in a little peace and quiet. We spend so much time living in the past, victims of the past, afraid of the future, wondering with uncertainty. It's such a shame because we're wasting the here and now, and there's no time like the present...

One Love

Jez

x

So this is how "Pizza Saved My LIfe"

In early February 2003, one Sunday afternoon, I'd been at the pub for a number of hours and decided to walk home. En Route, I picked up a pizza and staggered the rest of the way. 

I opened up the box, sank my teeth in and promptly scolded my mouth with red hot tomato sauce. I recall feeling the roof of my mouth with my tongue because it'd gone all furry and finding a blister. The rest of the evening is a blur. 

When I met with a friend who'd seen me on the Sunday a couple of days later and the conversation jogged my memory about the blister. It was still there, right in between my back teeth and my palate. I figured I had an abscess so booked a dentists appointment. 

A few days later the dentist had a poke around and said my blister/abscess wasn't either and he referred me to the Royal Sussex Hospital for a consultation. My appointment was on 12th March. On 11th March I'd kind of decided not to bother with the appointment the next day and was watching a little TV that evening. A programme came on, I think it was called "Just Call Me Bobby". It was a documentary on Sir Bobby Robson, and he discussed how he got a lump in his mouth and his wife had to force him to go to hospital. Turns out he had a tumour and she saved his life. 

So, I went to the appointment. Within a minute I was in the dentists chair and I was having a biopsy. It went Ok, I was a little sore and I went home. Not really freaked out and carried on with normal life. I went back on 19th March for my results. Sat in the waiting room for ages and suddenly freaked out when my name was called, I knew it was bad news. 

Mr Altman, my consultant got to the point. All i remember him saying were 7 cruel words; "It's a tumour, it's malignant, it's cancer" and then I was lost in a world of my own. 

3 weeks later, 10 years ago today, I was on the operating table for 6 hours and Mr Altman removed that malignancy. He did a great job and I'll forever be grateful to him. 

But, the story is that "Pizza Saved My Life" and this is why I eat pizza every year on the 10th April, just as I have today. 

One Love

Jez

x

Well. Finally the ultimate time of reflection has arrived I guess. Tomorrow will be my 10 year ‘Canniversary’.

10 years since they brutally cut the murderous malignancy from my mouth. I’m welling up just typing this, so by the time you read it my MacBook will be stained in my tears no doubt.

Talking about it was never my strong point. Every time I start having any level of serious conversation I pretty much just break down and cry. That’s why I set up the blog I guess, an opportunity to talk to my counsellor without you seeing the whites of my bloodshot eyes.

It has been a real rollercoaster of a decade. When I got diagnosed I was 29, I was hitting it pretty hard in Brighton and I was totally invincible. I guess I was always a decent guy in the sense that people trusted me and I made friends easily and have somehow managed to retain most of them. But, I was really immature in many ways, totally no idea where my life was heading, bounding from party to party to festival to bar to club and a few days at work in-between. Work was pretty hedonistic and hectic in itself. Call centre management is a role that befits my natural (and not so natural) energy levels. That’s why until very recently I carried on doing it. I’ll do it again, I have no doubt, it’s just part of my fabric and it’s my natural habitat. Fast, furious, full of energy and passion, it resonates with my personality perfectly.

I’ve changed from being a manager to being a leader. I always said that if you have to tell someone you’re their manager, you’re certainly not a leader.

I think my change professionally reflects where I’ve travelled privately. I used to be a shouter, still am, but I used to dominate rooms full of people as a necessity. Now, I’m happier contributing and encouraging others to be the focal point too. I’ll never be a shrinking violet, but I’m much more comfortable now with who I am, who I want to become and why my contribution has to be so much more constructive than self absorbed.

When you’ve walked down the valley of death, everything changes, absolutely everything. I can barely remember not having had cancer. I struggle for it not to define me at times.

Some relationships disintegrate, some form inseparable bonds. People show you what they’re really made of when you’re potentially going to die. I’ve realised that it’s crucial to give your time to people who are scared, who need someone to offer that shoulder to cry on because I’ve been that person and it hurts when someone you trust just drops you like a hot coal.

Nothing is ever the same again. For me, when I get a lump or a pain anywhere within 6 inches of my tumour site I pretty much collapse into blind panic, still do now even though local reoccurrence is actually not where the cancer will strike if it is to rear it’s ugly head again. My lungs will be the site of secondary metastases, should it occur.

I stress a lot less about trivial things than anyone else I know. In some ways, life is a lot easier for me now than it was. Late trains, lunatic drivers and crap service rarely even raise an eyebrow of irritation whereas people around me get their knickers all twisted in knots.

Being told you probably won’t make it to see your 30^th birthday when you’re 29 is an indescribable level of pain to deal with. Invincible one minute, pretty much dead the next. Listening to your girlfriend hyperventilating at the news, telling your mum half the story because you know she can’t handle the absolute truth. After all, no-one should ever outlive their children. Trying to say the word ‘cancer’ without a huge lump appearing from nowhere in my throat. Vowing never to have kids because I’d not be around to see them grow up. Spending £30,000 on credit cards because I didn’t think I’d ever have to pay them off. Just some of the things that I lived through as a result of that lump of mutant cells.

I think the most important change is that I know that I don’t want to die without having made a significant positive impact. I know I have the ability to improve the quality of other people’s lives. How many remains to be seen, but having cancer has really made it clear to me that life is not about revenge and greed. Life is a precious gift that can only be enhanced through kindness and balance.

What will tomorrow bring? Well, pizza inevitably, because Pizza Saved My Life (if you don’t know this, I’ll explain the story tomorrow). It’ll bring tears, it’ll bring hugs and it’ll bring a lot of reflection and a little celebration.

To you all. If you can make it to the Bocabar, Bristol on Friday night, we’ll be having Pizza. This is an open invite, even if you feel you might not be included, you are. This is a time to celebrate life, not hold onto past frustrations. I’m still here, I’m still fighting and I’m more up for life than ever. I couldn’t wish for more love, for more reason to be here for a good time and a long time. Fi is my rock, my baby mother, the Ying to my Yang. My family and friends relationships grow stronger and more inspiring each day. I have no illusion that I’m one of the very lucky ones.

This is a significant week in my brief existence on this planet. Its magnitude is something I’m aware of, but will not understand for a while yet. Thank you all for being there, for not being there, for being.

One Love

Jez

x 

Hmmm.

It would appear that my last post may have provoked a little misunderstanding as to it's point. Parenting was not the point, it just so happens that the topic is fresh for me today and it made (I assumed) a decent example. 

My point is this; Good Intentions are important, but it's often very difficult to recognise when our good intentions become an obsession, obviously flawed, something that ultimately compromises the very purpose of our good intent. It's at this point that it's a struggle to recognise that pride shouldn't be the driving force behind continuing a fruitless quest. To have the self assurance to accept that change is essential, is a great showing of strength and something that can be very difficult to face.

Pride, as they say, comes before a fall. I guess another example would be voting for the Tory Party. I'm sure it had value at some point, but it's pointless voting for them just because your parents do, or because you've always voted for them if all they do is make your life a misery (allegedly). At some point you have to admit it was a mistake and do something to get back on track rather than repeating the mistake.

I would still have a C-section, but it's completely irrelevant in case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bloke. I hope this clears everything up for you all. 

One Love

Jez

x

It’s official; I’m too posh to push…

Goodbye 4-day week, hello week of significance and far too few hours…

Today has been interesting. We had an NCT Antenatal 7-hour birthathon session. Interesting stuff this giving birth lark.

I have to be honest, that’s the whole point of this blog. I can’t see why, given the choice, anyone would ever choose to have a natural birth, it sounds absolutely horrible. It can take literally days of pain & suffering and leave some pretty lasting damage. Whereas a C-section would appear to mitigate many of these atrocities. Admittedly, it’s a pretty serious operation, but if it was my genitalia that were being turned inside out, I’d go for the C-section every day of the week. I’m clearly too posh to push.

I’d consider myself reasonably aware and in touch with my spiritual self. I totally understand that in many instances, natural is best. But, we’re a throwaway culture, a land of convenience. The reason we don’t make crisps from scratch at home is because Walkers do it better and cheaper and more conveniently. Sometimes it just makes sense to take the more simple option. I believe in shopping local, supporting the organic approach and recycling waste, all make long term sense, but giving birth is so 1955. Embrace the advancement of modern science I say….

Ok, I’m jesting a little. I’d definitely go for a C-section if I had the choice and that’s most likely the choice Fi will take, but the driving force behind the decision is the safety of the babies, not the comfort of the mother particularly. Surely the wellbeing of the babies should be the critical mass in every decision forthwith? Stories today of resolute mothers, refusing to be induced even though the placenta is failing, just because its what they want, rather than what the baby needs. The obsessive need to breastfeed interfering with the essential calorific needs of the baby (or, babies), creating weight loss and nutritional deficiency when it’s evident that it’s physically going to be impossible, just because the ideal had been mapped out so precisely in advance makes no sense and serves only to be destructive.

Who said it’d make any sense? I’m certainly not suggesting there’s even a right or wrong with most of these things. I’m just looking at them from a pragmatists perspective, the view of someone who hasn’t been there and will never have a noteworthy pain threshold. What makes sense to me, will appear as madness you many others, probably even you dear reader.

The most important thing is that we make these decisions for selfless reasons, not because society or trends say we should. A decision made with pure motives should never be regretted, whatever the outcome, whatever the consequence. The trick is knowing when the act of selflessness becomes one that is more a quest of pride than one of altruism. It’s often very difficult to recognise when you’ve past from one to the other, but it’s only Tesco who profit from flogging a dead horse….

One Love

Jez

x

Cheating,

It’s not a word associated with anything positive. Cheating in love, cheating in sport, cheating the law (which I guess can be fun at times!), all create problems, not only with other people, but in our core. Ultimately, every form of cheating is to cheat oneself. Cheats may take the financial spoils, but they only spoil the more important, emotional wealth that we need as part of the true fabric of our beings. 

To enter into anything with a fraudulent outcome on the agenda is simply never going to result in true satisfaction. Greed, driven by insecurity, driven by ego, driven by the expectancies of others, driven by social conditioning etc, always leaves a hollow, or dissatisfied.

To tackle any opportunity, any challenge however long the odds, with a pure motive and a clear conscience can never create regrets. I live by the philosophy that if I’ve made a decision for the right reason, not for selfish gain, greed or to the detriment of others, I never regret it, no matter how catastrophic the outcome.

Be optimistic, set the bar high and jump at it with at with all your springy bounce. If you don’t clear it, you may well jump higher than you ever imagined possible. I’m jumping like I’m on a trampoline right now. So much to reach for, so much to try to achieve. I may not clear the bar with everything, but I’m going to go for it with a sense of gusto that I’ve not had for a long long time, if ever.

The focal point? The babies is obvious, but it’s more than that. Wednesday is a huge day for me too. 10 years of being cancer free. This coming week feels like it’s going to be definitive in some way.

This sums up where I’m at right now, I really hope you’re feeling the same way too because there’s always hope, always…

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” 

One Love

Jez

x

So,

Today, just now. The dark spectre took a member of the family. How do I feel? It’s not important. What damage has it done? Time will tell. One thing is for sure though, cancer strikes at random and without any seeming synergy with the Karma Sponge.

Life is fragile. We mustn’t waste it on hate and darkness. It’s brought it home to me today that we spend too much time finding reasons for the why not, and not enough time carving out ways to make positive change happen. That inner peace can only be found with forgiveness and kindness. True love can never be found without the love of ones self. Move on, enjoy as close to every moment you possibly can and live in the present, because the past is gone and the future may never happen. “Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.” as I discussed in a previous post is a personal mantra and has been for many years. 

Make your dreams become your reality today, not tomorrow, not never. Chase your aspirations with a smile, don’t hunt them down with a snarl or tears. ‘Be Nice’, share, care and enjoy the warmth of your altruistic being.

I’m feeling emotional, it’s obvious I guess. I’m just hit with this sense of a need to make sense of all the darkness in the air today. Cancer, but also the threat of war, the murder of children, the filthy media propaganda machine spewing out the so called ‘news’. We have to be part of the greater good, the core of our beings and rise up and above the greed and corrupt state. Our action should be simple and our belief without compromise. We need to learn to offer kindness to each other and our planet. Please, just give up one random act of kindness today, see how it works out for you and the beneficiary. When they ask you why, tell them, ask them to pass it on. We are stronger together.

This one is dedicated to Qio, Rest in Peace brother. With love and strength going out to Carol, Ady, Gareth, my sister and my niece and nephew.

One Love, always

Jez

x

The voice of treason...

I've sort of got used to sounding like I've got a cleft palate. My old singing voice has deserted me in favour of this nasal whine and it's only when i meet new people that it's uncomfortable (more for them now, than me). Only a couple of months ago I was worried about talking to anyone on the phone, or meeting new acquaintances, but you know, we learn to live with our imperfections. I actually had a little sing-along in the car with Fi on Saturday, and although it was merely a hint towards my previously wonderful soprano tone, I loved it…

When I meet people who I haven't seen for a few weeks they always tell me my voice is getting better. I can't notice it on a daily basis, but I guess I’m learning to adapt and use my tongue, mouth and head muscles differently as time passes. One thing I did yesterday, which was encouraging was swallow differently. I had a cup of tea and used my soft palate muscles to create the swallow, rather than the ones I've used for almost 10 years. The hole must be genuinely be closing if this is the case. It would be a wonder of biology if it sealed itself up without any need for surgery. Bizarre, but wonderful. 

I wonder, if/when it closes, if I'll miss my speech impediment in some way. It's starting to become a part of my story, my persona and it may be a part of me that I have to learn to live without again. No hardship, but the brain is a strange beast. Familiarity creates comfort. I remember when i first started talking like this i had issues transferring my thoughts, where my voice was clear, into my speech, where my voice was unrecognisable. I'm now using much more deliberate allocution both in preparation and the delivery. Adapting, changing, learning to cope with the problem. 

The less I'm bothered about it, the less it seems to be an issue for other people to understand me too. I guess that this is the case for many speech impediments. Mine is a physical defect, but when I'm relaxed I can deliver my conversation with more clarity. When I've been out in the cold wind my voice sounds terrible for the first 10 mins afterwards and this is purely some sort of physical reaction to the freezing weather. It took several pints of local brews in a field in deep dark Somerset yesterday to shake off the 'Mouth Freeze'. The lengths I have to go to, just to be accepted as ‘normal’.

Tell you what though. “I had cancer, cancer didn't have me....”

One Love

Jez

x

I've decided to delay Sunday Sermon until Monday. 

It has dawned on me that in 10 days, I’ll be 10 years cancer free, physically at least. Quite a landmark and it puts a stake in the ground as my life moves into a whole other dimension. I've been considering the significance of this milestone happening in tandem with my boys arriving. 

Why should I consider these events linked? In a pragmatic sense, they're just 2 separate moments, totally unconnected that happen to be falling within days of each other. I think not. I think that these and the new businesses swerving into the here and now is something very significant. By the end of May, I'll be able to safely say that my life will be almost unrecognisable from the one I was living a year before. Having left a job i loved, replacing it with something altogether more insecure and unfamiliar, taken on a ground-breaking operation, then all the fall out that the operation created and learning of the imminent arrival of not one, but two new lives, it feels significant that 10 years of living without cancer in my physical being should be celebrated as events all appear to be maturing. 

It has certainly been an intense year or so. I've learned more about me, and what's really important to me in this period of time than ever before. The resilience that I've had to conjure up and the total vulnerability I've felt have been character building to say the least. I've learned a lot about other people too. Namely, that whatever drives your gut to create a feeling, it's often very accurate and should be listened too. Trust is something I've learned, shouldn't be given to people who tell you to trust them. I've realised what is really important to me. Not money or houses or personal gain. Greed is possibly the most disgusting quality a man can have. Laughing, trust, health and love offer a much more important kind of wealth. The security that friendships and mutually respectful relationships bring gives a confidence and security to build the foundations of all aspects of life on. Without a healthier outlook on life, I can't operate effectively professionally.

So, 10 days to 10 years cancer free. Not quite, because it’s always going to be a huge part of who I am, who I’ll become. But, to use this moment to enrich my soul has to be my goal. To draw strength from my existential essence can only be a creator of positive change for you, me and the universe.

 One Love

Jez

x

Evening all

Well, what a wonderful start to the Easter weekend. Fi whisked me away to a beautiful little place in Cornwall. Talland Bay. Lush hotel, idyllic views, pasties and the most bracing sea air one could hope for. I feel like a million dollars, after only a day away from the city, the trains, the hustle and bustle I've got a new level of clarity about where things are at. 

Where are things at? Well, they're moving on nicely actually. March has drawn to a close as far as earning a crust goes and it has fulfilled everything it promised and more. I'm not saying it hasn't been brutal at times, because I can't remember putting in more hours in one calendar month before, but it looks like the graft is paying off. Trick is maintaining the momentum and continuing to create the opportunities. I guess I've been trading for 3 months now and this month I might even be able to pay the mortgage without Fi's assistance. This is progress indeed! 

More pressingly/importantly; it has dawned on me in a big way, that although the boys are due to arrive in 7 or 8 weeks, more than half of twin pregnancies fail to make it past 34 weeks, which is 4 weeks time. In reality, I could be a father this time next week and I'm in no way ready to accommodate the little blighters just yet. I've just ordered car seats online, it felt pretty intense. This shit got real. I. Am. Soon. To. Become. A. Dad. To. Twins!

It feels like everything is moving to a certain moment in time, that moment is pretty much right now, which is pretty much the only moment that matters, or will ever matter. I’ve got 2 businesses to stabilise (yeah, I thought it would be a wise idea to start up a 2^nd business right now. Because 1 simply wasn’t proving tricky enough) before these beautiful people pop their heads out. 22^nd May suits me just fine. That’s when I’ve planned for these new additions to arrive. This is, however, somewhere between 37 and 38 weeks. They induce at this point anyway, so I’m taking it to the wire, but that’s just the way I roll...

As George Harrison once said;

“It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.” 

One Love

Jez

x

There’s no I in Team

Nonsense, without I, there would be no team because the strength of the team is each individual member. The strength of each member is the team.

Whether at work, playing sport or working together in love, the team is greater than the sum of its parts when the individuals learn how to keep each others’ shortcomings in check and work to one another’s’ strengths.

Not all teams perform, some just form, or storm. I’m learning more about teams right now than I ever have. Odd though that this learning is happening when I’m spending more time than I can ever remember on my tod.

On my long journeys with my head in music and my mind on the open landscape I’ve been considering why I like being in a team so much and why this solo career is something I’ve really got to work at to get emotional reward from. I guess I’m one of those people who doesn’t like his own company as much as that of others. I know that when I’m around people I usually have a productive affect on them, and them on me.

Never more so than at home with Fi and the kickers. We don’t always see eye-to-eye, but we’re a productive and really solid unit. As a family our potential is limitless, we can climb the highest mountains together. So there is an I in team, I & I & I & I.

To live for the team, to sacrifice for the team, to take one for the team, because it’s the team prize, not the individual prize that matters. From your family to the whole of humanity, we’re better together….

One love

Jez

x

Granular…

Well, today has been pretty random. On a train when the brakes failed and it therefore didn’t stop at Reading station and ground to a halt somewhere a couple of miles past the platform. Then on another train when the overhead lines failed, which meant getting a bus for 80 miles. Oddly enough, I didn’t miss my hospital appointment and arrived at the final destination early. As I’ve already said of late, the Universe is spitting out a little chaotic love in this bloggers direction.

Aside from the 80’s rolling stock and other ridiculously shite rail equipment I found out today that I have ‘Granulised Tissue’ that is tissue that is over-granulising itself. Eh? Well, I’ll quote Wiki Answers as to what it is and what I had done to me, because it’s totally bang on and there’s no point me rewriting it..

“Answer:

Granulation tissue is a kind of tissue generated in a healing wound to both break down damaged tissue and to help prevent infection, however, sometimes growth of granulation tissue can be too robust. An excess of granulation tissue is informally known in the medical community as "proud flesh". Depending on the specifics of your case, a treating physician may apply a fine layer of silver nitrate to the excess tissue. This, in effect, cauterizes the granulation tissue (though the process is reportedly painless) and allows new healthy cell growth above that layer of flesh."

And I can report that the process was indeed painless, if foul tasting. Apparently this isn’t anything to worry about and I’m back on track rationally and (more importantly) irrationally.

What have I learned from this experience? Not a lot actually. There’s little one can do to control the irrational demon who bites and pinches and slaps at the rational soul. I control one whilst trying to embrace the other. I have this conversation with myself, quite openly, that resembles something akin to me having a split personality. Rarely consumed by my demon, I still live with him, biting, pinching and slapping at me, trying to divert my focus into an unhealthy obsession that’ll distract me from the momentum that is gathering with positive force. He’ll never beat me, and the harder he tries the more desperate he is and that’s when he’s at his weakest. 

That's when I hold the big stack and it's my turn to bully, preen and swagger. But that's no way to roll, that'll make me the demon. It is a long weekend though and sometimes the demon needs to show his true colours... waa haa haa haaaaaaaaa.....

One Love

Jez

x

This post didn’t update last night, but as I wrote it, I thought I’d post it anyway.

Sunday Sermon IV

It’s that time of the week again. As this small chapter draws to a close and the dawn of a new week approaches, how has this week measured up? Another busy, productive one for me, tainted only by this wretched lump and ungodly smell coming from my flap. I’m reasonably sure now that I’ve got an infection/abscess/something of that nature, which sucks, but isn’t life threatening. One good thing is that I can’t feel the pain I should be in right now.

So, it’s the last week of March, last week of the quarter. It’s also a short week, so it’ll mean cramming 5 days work into 4 days just to make sure I can enjoy the very long weekend. I’m on the road to the hospital tomorrow and then not home until late Weds night. My birthday present from Fi finally matures on Thursday morning and we’re going to Cornwall for a couple of nights to get out of the city, into this wonderful spring sunshine and some healing, some ‘us’ time, some love & groove…

Will it be another strong week? Why not? I imagine it’ll involve antibiotics, but that’ll mean it involves sobriety. Sobriety usually means I’ll be on my A-Game all week and beyond. My A-Game usually involves productivity...

Right now, new week brewing, how are you revving up, focussing your mind, body and soul for an assault on the senses? Don’t fear the unknown, the breaking dawn. Embrace the opportunities this final week of the first quarter of 2013 could bring you. Whatever the first 12 weeks of the year, finish this one on a high, ready for the long weekend and beyond. If this year feels a tad sour so far, pour a little sugar on it baby, because it could be on the upwards turn.

One Love

Jez

x

Hi there me lovelies...

What's occurin' in Jezland? Well, rather annoyingly I've had to book an appointment to go and see the guys at Royal Marsden on Monday morning. There's a lump on my new palate. Freakishly, it's in exactly the same place as the tumour was 10 years ago, although this time, the teeth aren't real and the tissue isn't from my mouth, its from my leg. And, there's no salivary gland for an Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma to take hold of and multiply its poison from. 

Bottom line is that there's an ulcerated lump in my mouth, right on the site where the tumour was and as much as I like to think I'm laterally minded, it's freaking me out. I know it can't be cancer again, certainly not the ACC, because it's grown in a matter of days and I suspect it's only ulcerated because I've been chewing on it without realising because I can't feel pain in the donor tissue because there are no nerves in it. It looks like it'd be really hurting if i could feel pain, but if I could feel pain I probably wouldn't have done so much damage to it because I'd have been careful. 

There's some damage though, which is concerning because it was looking good last week when I met with Mr. K and Francesco. Now it has something that looks like a piece of chewed up chewing gum sticking out of it. Rational me says it's merely a flesh wound, irrational me says "Arghhhh!!!!!" 

But, there's always hope. Always. 

I'm hoping its completely heals up and disappears before I get to the train station on Monday morning. I'm hoping there's nothing sketchy happening in the flap, irrespective of cancer, that means I'm going to have further complications. I'm hoping I don't freak out tonight when I'm trying to go to sleep and short-change my sleep pattern for what is pretty obviously nothing to worry about. 

Other than that life is pretty tidy. Bar the fact that my supply chain is evermore useless. This week I've had no end of problems from suppliers who can't seemingly perform their most basic services. Literally, as bad as a fish and chip shop with no fryers. I've been drawn into showing said suppliers how to produce their own products, to try to save face with my clients. Maintaining a Zen like existence has been tricky to say the least. 

"Be Nice" and "I had cancer, cancer didn't have me" have been on repeat in my head for the past couple of days. Stick with the programme Jezza, the problems all have solutions, be part of the solution, not the guy who repeatedly vocalises the problems... 

One Love

Jez

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