182 days in the life. An ode of gratitude....x

So, 182 days have past since my operation. Right now, 6 months ago, I was on the operating table and had been for about 11 hours. I wouldn’t open my eyes until around 10am tomorrow morning, 26 hours after being anesthetised. Today is a poignant day then I guess. 6 months on, Fi’s last day of work and I’m en route home after my last night away from home before the babies show their funny little faces. Today is a day of togetherness.

What a 6 months it’s been. Without a doubt, it has been the most challenging, ugly, brutal, humbling, rewarding, beautiful and amazing 6 months of my adult life. Seriously, I’m catching a few breaths now thinking about the rollercoaster of events, emotions and achievements and losses and it’s very difficult to say how it makes me feel.

I guess I just feel free. My destiny is in my own hands, this moment is the eve of the brightest dawn. I’m scarred, both physically and emotionally from this journey. I made the decision to take this operation on, to leave my beloved job, to try for fatherhood. I therefore am completely responsible for my current dynamic. I absolutely thought though that just about every aspect of my life would be different to this. It goes without saying that 2 babies is a ridiculous situation, albeit one that I’m very happy with. But, healthwise, it’s still very tough at times to deal with the fact that I’m living with so many compromises this far after surgery. My leg hurts all the time, my little toe is a horrible mess and I still have to wear espadrilles because of the pain. My voice is still a joke, even though people tell me it’s getting better and sometimes I almost hear my own voice forcing it’s way out once more. The pain in my mouth still wakes me up in the night, most nights (either that or Fi’s incredible pregnancy snore!). I’ve worked harder this past 3 months than at any time before, just to try to create a foundation for this family business, throwing endless hours and my soul into something or nothing.

It’s proper hardcore. It’s nothing like what the picture should look like. But that’s what makes it so incredible. Hobbling, hurting, wondering why, wondering how, wondering what happens next. But, I actually feel free and it’s the most liberating feeling ever. It’s all about me and mine and we’re just fine…

Thankyou for being my sounding board this past 182 days. Without you, I’m 100% sure that I’d be a little less full of wonderment. This project may well draw to a close at some point soon, but with it I’ll take these memoirs forever with me, along with some incredibly touching moments, new friends, reacquainted friends and my silent readers whom I’ll never meet and I’ll never know who are closer to me than many people I spend time with regularly. So, thankyou, you’ve helped me more than you could ever realise.

One Love

Jez

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