Hi all, I do hope this finds you riding the wave of groove that I’m feeling right now... 

I don't know why I've suddenly logged in and started typing really. I'm feeling emotional, so that's a familiar trigger, we'll run with that...

So much happening in my tiny world just now, that I really wouldn't know where to start to explain the professional chaos monster that I'm wearing the suit of. The boys are total dudes, Fi's pretty groovy also. Back in hospital within the next few days (another trigger!).

My emotional whirlwind is being driven by the World. I've been really thinking about 'Be Nice' of late. Trying to maintain the philosophy whilst fighting the urge to be selfish. Watching and desperately making inroads to learn more about us, all of us. We're told we're so many things, so divided and divisive. Images are flashed before us inciting hate, inciting war and occupying our senses. We're fighting imaginary battles without substantial substance, just opinion formed by the media and we continue, round and round on the carousel of life. We’re bouncing, flailing head-first into the wind and the directions are contradictory and we spin, we spin, we spin…

I’ve caught myself just existing, allowing these beautiful days to pass by faster and faster, struggling to remember even yesterday. I feel like I’ve been missing my boys growing up in such a formative time because I’m distracted by the highs and lows of the anti-routine.

Then, in the past few weeks I have seemingly got hold of my consciousness again, found my groove a little, opened up my channels. I can see the light again. I can feel the whole world, the Universe is pulling together, not apart. I don’t believe that everything is fucked up, I think we are starting to move as one. This is an incredibly exciting time, there’s no place for hate and darkness, we are climbing the mountain and empathy, disco and love are the order of the day.

The frailty of ‘austerity’ the use of the word ‘migrant’ the Government controlled media hate, we’re seeing through them. Not just you and I, but we’re ALL starting to see through the thinly veiled greed machine. We got them on the run and we don’t need them to hide, they’ll want to join us because this is the party, the motion, the love supreme.

‘Be Nice’ Drive out hate with love. The beat don’t stop ‘til the break of dawn, we’re going on and on and on and on…

One Love

Jez

x

Cor blimey, it's a less frequent mind dump than before eh?

There are many thoughts fizzing though my love, many many thinking’s...

So, in all honesty I think I got a little lean towards the end of 2014, endless illness and illin' following some sort of emotional and physical wobble. I've almost exclusively been sober ever since the turn of the year and the head is clearing, fizz fizz...

I'm choosing love. It's simple, Love or Fear are the options and I'm not going to let fear prevent me from enjoying a lifelong groove of love. Fear, doubt, hate and revenge are all the same form of energy. An energy that blocks the art of the heart. 

I'm going back under the knife next week. I was going to leave it a while, get the next excuse for not facing the demon out of the way first. Delay is fear. Hesitation is fatal. the sun is rising on this boys heart and with every sunrise the darkness is banished for another day. I'm going to get me an NG, or a tube up my nose to feed myself meds and protein shakes. I'm going to say my boys names properly before they actually think they're called Rooney and Phoenix. Before they think I'm called 'Babby' ('Daddy' in broken mouth speak). 

You have no idea how amazing those few days of having the simple pleasure of having the eloquence to say those boys names properly for the first time gave me. I’d forgotten, I’ve been focussing on what I couldn’t do, not what I could. If it breaks down again, it’ll most likely have offered up the short lived pleasure of giving me MY voice back for a few days at least, which is really cool after 2 and a half years of this nasal whine. It’s enough to make me faithful in my choice to go for this one more time. 5^th time lucky they say. I say there’s no suh thing as luck. Only if you play the game you stand a chance of winning, sitting there cursing your ‘luck’ having not played is fear twisting your melon, man.

Choose Love, because Fear is forever the tormentor of the faithful mind…

One Love

Jez

x

Hi strangers, 

I'm Jez, for the past couple of months I've mostly been (as Bob Nesta once said), 'Fighting for Survival'. The trip has been heavy, but the journey is often more enlightening and memorable than the destination I guess. 

Rooney and Phoenix returned, along with the most brutal face-ache and self pity I’ve ever had. How sad I’ve been, just holding it together, grinding it out and wondering where that cool Jez had gone.

In this past 24 hours or so, which has truly been one of the most bizarre chain of events (involving media attention, the police, violence, a car crash, some very difficult decisions, sick kids (for 2 months and counting) and a smattering of just bad luck), I’ve come to a point of Zen-like calm. The daily grind, the small wars on my smile and why me syndrome just got blown right out of my system.

Funny how such a pattern of total chaos can produce a sense of inner peace. I’ve been referred to as a ball of chaos before when being challenged by a deemed superior in the workplace. I took it as a compliment, which I’m not entirely sure was the expected retort to what was a well considered mid-appraisal insult.

Chaos then is quite possibly my linear and predictable turbulence. It’s not just me though, surely Chaos Theory denotes us, it’s just that some of us battle our natural delineation of chaotic pinball. Personally, I like to feel like I’m not social, professionally or morally conditioned by ‘The Man’, by my boss who has to remind me she’s my ‘manager’ in order to subliminally remind me that she’ll never be my leader.

Chaos Theory, I’m in. Bring me more of the Blackest of Fridays. My idle mind is a destructive force. Throw your shit Universe; it’ll never stick because my chaos is a wonderful, unpredictable ball of inner peace…

One Love

Jez

x

Evening dear congregation;

So, this has been somewhat of an emotional week. There have been tears, many self-pitying tears. There have been melancholy days and the HOLE IS BACK! 

On Monday, I noticed a little mouthwash freshened up my nose. By Tuesday my voice had changed back to the nasally whine that I’ve been so desperate to leave behind. By Wednesday I was blowing chunks of lunch down my nose. The hole isn't only back, but I think it's bigger and badder than ever. Massive fail Royal Marsden, massive fail Mr K. 

I am the minority, this much I know. Every day I feel like my life is a series of extremes that continually surprise me, despite every day having more random happenings than most people experience in a month. I just never seem to learn that however slim the chance, it's coming my way. Mr K told me that the chance of this operation failing was less than 1% when i asked him during the early consultative days. Welcome to the minority Jez, you beat the odds again, nice one. 

I was so mental on Wednesday that after an emotional appeal to a team working in Reading (and I mean really inappropriately emotional), I drove down the M4 to Wales before realising I’d missed the junction home to Bristol by 15 or so miles. My head was broken.

However, after 48 hours of self-pitying and 'why me?' syndrome, I woke up on Thursday morning to a much clearer understanding of my situation. I am unable to articulate my kids’ names, Rudy & Felix are once again being called Rooney and Phoenix, and people think I’m deaf or a tad mentally challenged, but I do live a blessed life.

I may have to flush out my nose after eating because anything smaller than a baked bean will find it’s way through the hole, up my sinus cavity and down my nose to the point that the term ‘bat in the cave’ takes on a whole new meaning. I limp a little due to the nerve and muscle damage created by the operation 22 months ago. I’m in pain, long term tramadol won’t touch the sides, cramp and nerve damage pain that I suspect will never go away (no they didn’t tell me about that before they cut me up either).

But, without being a member of the extreme minority I wouldn’t be here to tell this tale, I’d be dead. I wouldn’t have the most incredible beautiful twin boys, I’d be normal and have any number of non-multiple kids and not have the privilege to be a part of something so special. I wouldn’t wake up everyday and raise funds for causes I actually believe in, I’d sell insurance, handle complaints, work for ‘The Man’ and hate it. I have the fortunate emotional disposition of being enlightened through the process of free thinking and having the ability to live life in the moment rather than in fear of the future or as a compromise of the past. Existential being is a gift.  

I don’t subscribe to being part of the majority, so I have no right to strive to be ‘normal’ with respect to this latest set back.

Happy? No, but I’m dealing with it and I’m not going to let this be the last attempt to fix this problem. We don’t give in, we go again. We try something different. Angry? No, because anger has no place in recovery. I have to offer forgiveness in order to collaborate and move forwards without looking backwards. Yesterday was merely learning for today, which in turn gives me strength tomorrow.

Forgiveness is key. I’m not quite at the healing point of being in a position to offer forgiveness to universe for this latest setback to my inner peace, but I’m working hard on it and I know that it's a healthy objective that can only create greater good for everyone involved. 

One love

Jez

x

It has been a long time since the last Sunday Sermon, enjoy...

I find myself home alone for a short while. Fi and the boys have attended a faaamily birthday event, I'm still too hanging/rough/full of self pity to endure a day of social pleasantries. I used to recover so much faster than this. 5 days for a 3 hour operation is a sign of the times for sure. 

People say I'm repairing well, but I know me, I'd have been up and at it by Friday a few years ago. Father time is slowly creeping up on me it'd seem! I fight the acceptance of old age though with feverous aplomb. Most of the socially conditioned cliché’s and behavioural compromises that attack me from every angle are batted off, for now. 

The gold plated barbeque tongues, the MPV, the pension and the SuperDry chequered shirt I've managed to fend off. The penis extension car, the pathetically doting dad selfies and the faaamily diary (albeit through the medium of iCloud) I've succumbed too without any resistance. 

I always had it in my head that I'd die at 80. Even during the most dark times of early diagnosis, when the odds, quite frankly were stacked pretty heavily in favour of my dark spectre, I still had a conscious set of thoughts that took me through to a ripe old age. I have an image in my head of kicking sand, hand in hand with Fi, somewhere carefree and sun kissed. That image has served me well over the years, as a focal point of my destiny. 

I don't wish the present away though, because this moment is the only moment that matters. Mostly I don't live in fear of growing old because growing old is something by rights I shouldn't be given the opportunity to enjoy, and enjoy it I will. 

One thing is for sure though, I'll never be conventional. Gold Plated Barbeque tongs might be on the Christmas list next year, but I'll never give in to the Super Dry wardrobe. Be yourself, be individual and think freely, you only get one life (or two if you're lucky like me)...

One Love

Jez

x

I'm awake, blurry, hazy and my mouth feels like a plasterers elbow took a ground and pound session out on it, but I'm fairly chipper

As always at Royal Marsden, the nurses and ward staff are impeccably attentive and on their game. As always at Royal Marsden, I'm in a ward with sick people, mostly old people, the smell of death hangs heavily in the air, mortality and morbidity checks aplenty.

Cancer takes from you more than it gives, that's a fact. But, the more I live with it, over time, it gives something to me that I've kind of become dependant on. No matter what shit goes down, however frustrating the day to day grind, in these moments when I’m hurting physically and whacked out on opiates for the pain, I always have an overwhelming sense of gratefulness. I’m alive and it matters not that I didn’t take every opportunity to make yesterday the greatest day of my life, because I’m here and now, and I can take this moment as something to treasure. I know I can draw from the strength that cancer has given me again right now to change the ordinary, harness the obstacles and remember that every experience is neither a positive or a negative. Every experience is a learning that presents an opportunity for me to create a better me, you, us.

It hurts mind and it smells of piss and death and stuff. But, I have decided that by the time I check myself out of here tomorrow, I’ll have added hope and love to the piss and death and stuff for at least one of my ward companions. Looking at the faces of my brothers in arms, I believe I have the capacity to at least draw a little humour from our collective head clusterfuck.

The sound of the chemo pump in the bed opposite me is a poisonous rhythm, strumming its death march. The beep beep beep of the various monitors and alarms are the orchestra of our impending doom. This ward needs some good vibrations. I’m keen to deploy some ‘Be Nice’ on this joint because a little magic love dust goes a long way when the lights go out and the sleeplessness kicks in.

They’ll be shouting ‘One More…’ by the morning, just you wait and see…!

One Love

Jez

x

So, it's the eve of my newest and hopefully last mouth tearing, jaw wrenching operation.

I'm in London readying myself for a 7:30am check in pre-med complete, last 2 client meetings locked down before 10 days of complete silence from this, the most talkative of mouths.

We go again I guess. Over 22 months since they carved me up, we go again in less than 12 hours time.

I’ve been looking at this photo all day today. I got it earlier and this trio is why I’m going to get me fit and well quick smart. I want to say my sons’ names so that people understand me. I don’t want to call Rudy and Felix “Rooney and Phoenix” any more. I just wanna say their names like their dad meant them to sound.

Today I’ve spent a lot of time on my own. I don’t often spend long in my own company and I’ve found it pretty calming. I’ve been processing thoughts, putting concerns to bed, gathering myself and generally concentrating on my inner peace. I’m feeling ready to do battle with the scalpel one more time. They say the first cut is the deepest, so this one should be a mere flesh wound by comparison.

I’ll be seeing you all on the other side. I’ll probably be more actively on here than recently. Let’s see how this one pans out, I for one, can’t wait to wave Rooney and Phoenix a fond farewell and finally say hello to Rudy and Felix.

One love

Jez

x

You know, I read more and more about the destruction and murder in Gaza/Israel/Palestine and the more I read and watch and try to get my head around it, the less I understand.

David Cameron wriggling around trying to justify the dark motivations behind the bizarre endorsement of the on-going devastation of human rights, the murder of civilians with arms traded under his licence.

I see my friends fighting back against the West and Israel with fury and vengeance. Obviously the need to represent what we see as a victim against an evil force is something we feel is only right.

My concern with this whole thing is that surely everyone is missing the point. Total obliteration of the Jews, or of Islam, or Hamas, or even a direct hit on David Cameron can surely never serve to create peace and harmony. The devastation only ever creates more hate. The hate fuels more hate, through generational change we breed more haters and whichever side of the fence we sit on, we hate as a default, serving only to aggravate our aggressors further.

It’s a perpetual motion you see. Hate creates hate. Hate and murder are cyclic reactions to actions.

You know where this is going. There’s no twist or play on words here. We have to look for peace through a different reaction. If we look at war through the eyes of love, we see the aggressor for the wounded animal that they usually are. We then stand a chance of finding compassion for our enemies. In compassion we stifle aggression and in love we can only seek to find a peaceful and selfless solution to all of our problems.

The analogy I use is simple; You can’t fight someone who is hugging you tightly and full of love. You can’t swing a punch with loving embrace wrapped around you. So hug it out...

Please let’s not hate to save humanity from itself; let’s find only love. As The Stone Roses once said; “Love Spreads” so let’s spread love and not spit vengeful vibes. Everyone and everything is where they are and who they are because of the way we are. If we are thinking from a truly beautiful place, we’ll create more beautiful thoughts and beautiful people.

This is the revolution of love

One Love

Jez

x

What a day..!

Today is the gateway to the fulfilment of my inner peace. I’m slightly mental, but I’m well happy to be driving into the sunset once more, albeit on the M4 somewhere near Newbury rather than through an opening in the mountain and over the ocean.

Today’s sunset chasing is more warming, more emotional, just more. Clean PET/CT scans and a date for my next operation achieved, this is a BIG day in this guys Universe.

I’ve been readying myself for any eventuality this past couple of weeks, because I’ve had some form and some doctor enforced toxin embargoes in the mix. Clarity of mind has been a winner though, so despite the pressure cooker bubbling and squealing away in my head, I’ve had a reasonable control over it. Suddenly it feels like this past few months of self-absorbed prickly intensity is being replaced with a big dollop of life loving groove.

I guess we need to beat ourselves up, consider the lows an all-consuming eternity at times, in order to have the ability to dig deeper and grow stronger once more. In the hole, it’s a bastard of a battle at times. The sense of glorious high fives feels so far from reach, but cold rainy days just feel longer than sunny days in the park. The sunny days rock so much more than the rainy days suck though, so enjoy the rainy journey to your next sunshine moment because the journey is often so much more critical to the shaping of your being than the destination.

I’ve got some tough months ahead, but if the plan shapes up, I’ll have my showbiz smile back before 2014 waves me off with a cheeky smile.

Be happy people, if you can’t be happy, enjoy the rainy journey to your next happy sunny life loving day of groove…

Today is a ‘I had cancer, cancer didn’t have me’ kinda day, baby..!

One love

Jez

x

3 months in the hole. A rather hypocritical self imposed blogging exile…

So, I guess I’ve lost a lot of my regular readers. You may be the only one left. I’ve not dropped any bloggery knowledge for exactly 3 months. During which time, more so recently than initially, I’ve discovered the identity of my silent readers. People I love and respect, people I’ve never met and people I have struggled personally with have asked me what happened to the blog and every single one has been very kind about it.

Why Jez, why? Well, I’ve been in a rollercoaster place. In all honesty I’ve looked at this blog a number of times and not had the heart to put virtual pen to cyber paper for want of not wanting to be insincere. The vibes on here have been generally very positive. I’ve been finding myself and pushing my new found zest for love, life and living in this moment with such confidence and belief that finding myself struggling to follow my own advice. Writing about basically being a twat who has had enough of being in pain every day and struggling to be polite and have faith in humanity never mind ‘Be Nice’ to people is not really the image I’ve been creating and therefore my ego would be compromised.

There you have it. Unapologetic egomania with a dash of chaos and self pity = no blog, which is quite possibly the worst thing I could have done. I set this website up so I could talk about my state of mind after learning the hard way that pushing all the morbid darkness away into the depths of my mind is a really bad idea.

It does go to show though that we’re all flawed, we’re all complicated, we’re all ‘human’.  I’ve been on holiday for 3 days and in just this short time I’ve had some of the best moments I’ve had for ages. Tonight we chased a sunset all the way over the top of a mountain because we could. Not sure the boys enjoyed the hairpins on the mountain as much as I did but we chased and we caught the sun dropping over the ocean and I had a moment, just one of those beautiful moments that will never escape us, not only because Fi got a shot of it on her iPhone either, because chasing sunsets is one of my favourite things and I haven’t done it for donkeys years.

Right now, right here, this moment, we got the love and I can feel my mojo rising. There are some very difficult weeks imminent and I’ve been wondering how I’m going to face the darkness. I now know, nay; I now remember that the only thing that ends darkness is light. Every morning, the sunrise banishes the night. So, I’ve got to take on these demons with wide bright eyes and my eternal sense of optimism. I’ve made peace with myself in this past few days, peace is my critical mass. I’m now limbering up and asking the universe to bring it on, open itself up and bring the noise because I’m back by popular demand (or so my ego leads me to believe)…

One love

Jez

x

Hi everyone.

It's my 11th Canniversary eve eve, so my head is (as always at this time of year) full of all kinds of crazy thoughts. Love & Shangri-La, Fear & Uncertainty. 11 years since they dumped a 38mm diameter chunk of poisonous, lethal flesh from my mouth and changed my whole purpose and zest for living.

I’ve been considering my overall sense of wellbeing and happiness. I’d say on the whole I’m a pretty happy chappy, I laugh a lot, I feel I’ve picked up a pretty healthy understanding of who I am, or rather who I’d like to be, nay, who I would like people to think I am. It’s becoming more and more obvious to me that happiness is not something you can ever successfully pursue as if it’s a purchase, or an achievement.

Happiness can only be achieved through inner peace and the desire to create peace and happiness in the whole of humanity. Happiness is not an emotion a selfish, or greedy man will ever truly experience. This past week or so I’ve had a couple of chance meeting and moments of realisation that have made me think inwardly about the direction I’m travelling in. My trajectory is a little off kilter, that much I’m very aware of.

I’m still searching you see. I’m still chasing that utopic enlightenment that warms the very centre of my being. Chasing what I think will make me ‘happy’, but missing completely the reason I’m always chasing. Desiring something is a selfish act, happiness cannot be mine, or yours, through selfishness and the burning desire to own it. Money does not buy happiness. Cancer has played its part in my ability to comprehend true happiness. But only unconditional, embracing love creates happiness.

I get the feeling that this next few weeks could be extremely poignant for me. The reshaping of my core and a definitive redirection of my spirit beckon. It feels like it’s me that is now being called rather than me calling out. I feel more thankful, more gracious and more forgiving than I have for a while. This I know is a significant opportunity to more into the new phase of living, of giving.

Back on track? Not yet, but I never said I was anything other than ‘work in progress’…..

One love

Jez

x

Hello everyone. 

Apologies for the 5 week break in proceedings. I've been without inspiration to write, a block of some kind. Time is not my friend right now and I always feel like I need a little privacy when I'm putting words to this site. 

How have I been? Thankyou for asking. Largely good, smattered with a little angst and a disproportionate amount of illness passing between man, woman and 2 little childs (yes, I know childs isn’t a real word). 

We have new teeth. Not me, Felix and Rudy are chomping at the bit, although as I write this I should actually be in hospital undergoing the closure of my hole. I cancelled the operation because when I found out the date I freaked out and spent 3 days in a state of disarray. 13 days is not enough notice for me to agree not to talk for 14 days, hence the cancellation and the massive sense of relief. 

This isn't what brings me to write today though. 2014 for me, has been pretty tidy so far. Business is good, bar a few old wounds refusing to heal. Home life is really beautiful. Self-belief is stable (which is pretty high, lets face it). I'm writing though because the spectre of cancer is everywhere. Barely a waking hour goes by when one of my friends or associates, or just good folk seem to be feeling the overbearing weight that this rotten affliction brings. 

I'm writing to reach out and spread a little of my Caravan of Love. Cancer can't touch this wagon, because we all need a place where we're safe from the darkness that lurks and threatens us. It might have already spread its fatal seed, or thrown a dangerous curve ball at you or your loved ones, but in the words of a very young Norman Cook (and his Housemartins)

“Every woman every man, join the caravan of love, (stand up) stand up stand up. Every body take a stand, join the caravan of love, (stand up) stand up stand up “

It just feels to me like there’s a big need for support and love in the world right now. On my own, I’m only a man, but my arms are outstretched and I’m sending out love from my caravans’ heart. Be kind to one another, look out for each other, please give it up for yourselves, your brothers and your sisters. We are only imortal when we hold on tight as if our lives depend on it. 

Let’s live in a world of peace, think freely, let love flow from your chosen living and beating mobile housing. We gotta ‘Be Nice’ and we gotta always remember that the battle against this beast is won and lost in our minds. Our minds are stronger together than all alone, or in conflict with one another or one's self.

One Love

Jez

x

Here's a rather wonderful melon twister for you.. Courtesy of one of the greatest dreamer hippies of all time. Albert Einstein.

"School failed me, and I failed the school. It bored me. The teachers behaved like Feldwebel (sergeants). I wanted to learn what I wanted to know, but they wanted me to learn for the exam. What I hated most was the competitive system there, and especially sports. Because of this, I wasn’t worth anything, and several times they suggested I leave.

This was a Catholic School in Munich. I felt that my thirst for knowledge was being strangled by my teachers; grades were their only measurement. How can a teacher understand youth with such a system?

From the age of twelve I began to suspect authority and distrust teachers. I learned mostly at home, first from my uncle and then from a student who came to eat with us once a week. He would give me books on physics and astronomy.

The more I read, the more puzzled I was by the order of the universe and the disorder of the human mind, by the scientists who didn’t agree on the how, the when, or the why of creation.

Then one day this student brought me Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason. Reading Kant, I began to suspect everything I was taught. I no longer believed in the known God of the Bible, but rather in the mysterious God expressed in nature.

The basic laws of the universe are simple, but because our senses are limited, we can’t grasp them. There is a pattern in creation.

If we look at this tree outside whose roots search beneath the pavement for water, or a flower which sends its sweet smell to the pollinating bees, or even our own selves and the inner forces that drive us to act, we can see that we all dance to a mysterious tune, and the piper who plays this melody from an inscrutable distance—whatever name we give him—Creative Force, or God—escapes all book knowledge.

Science is never finished because the human mind only uses a small portion of its capacity, and man’s exploration of his world is also limited.

Creation may be spiritual in origin, but that doesn’t mean that everything created is spiritual. How can I explain such things to you? Let us accept the world is a mystery. Nature is neither solely material nor entirely spiritual.

Man, too, is more than flesh and blood; otherwise, no religions would have been possible. Behind each cause is still another cause; the end or the beginning of all causes has yet to be found.

Yet, only one thing must be remembered: there is no effect without a cause, and there is no lawlessness in creation.

If I hadn’t an absolute faith in the harmony of creation, I wouldn’t have tried for thirty years to express it in a mathematical formula. It is only man’s consciousness of what he does with his mind that elevates him above the animals, and enables him to become aware of himself and his relationship to the universe.

I believe that I have cosmic religious feelings. I never could grasp how one could satisfy these feelings by praying to limited objects. The tree outside is life, a statue is dead. The whole of nature is life, and life, as I observe it, rejects a God resembling man.

Man has infinite dimensions and finds God in his conscience. [A cosmic religion] has no dogma other than teaching man that the universe is rational and that his highest destiny is to ponder it and co-create with its laws.

I like to experience the universe as one harmonious whole. Every cell has life. Matter, too, has life; it is energy solidified. Our bodies are like prisons, and I look forward to be free, but I don’t speculate on what will happen to me.

I live here now, and my responsibility is in this world now. I deal with natural laws. This is my work here on earth.

The world needs new moral impulses which, I’m afraid, won’t come from the churches, heavily compromised as they have been throughout the centuries.

Perhaps those impulses must come from scientists in the tradition of Galileo, Kepler and Newton. In spite of failures and persecutions, these men devoted their lives to proving that the universe is a single entity, in which, I believe, a humanized God has no place.

The genuine scientist is not moved by praise or blame, nor does he preach. He unveils the universe and people come eagerly, without being pushed, to behold a new revelation: the order, the harmony, the magnificence of creation!

And as man becomes conscious of the stupendous laws that govern the universe in perfect harmony, he begins to realize how small he is. He sees the pettiness of human existence, with its ambitions and intrigues, its ‘I am better than thou’ creed.

This is the beginning of cosmic religion within him; fellowship and human service become his moral code. Without such moral foundations, we are hopelessly doomed.

If we want to improve the world we cannot do it with scientific knowledge but with ideals. Confucius, Buddha, Jesus and Gandhi have done more for humanity than science has done.

We must begin with the heart of man—with his conscience—and the values of conscience can only be manifested by selfless service to mankind.

Religion and science go together. As I’ve said before, science without religion is lame and religion without science is blind. They are interdependent and have a common goal—the search for truth.

Hence it is absurd for religion to proscribe Galileo or Darwin or other scientists. And it is equally absurd when scientists say that there is no God. The real scientist has faith, which does not mean that he must subscribe to a creed.

Without religion there is no charity. The soul given to each of us is moved by the same living spirit that moves the universe.

I am not a mystic. Trying to find out the laws of nature has nothing to do with mysticism, though in the face of creation I feel very humble. It is as if a spirit is manifest infinitely superior to man’s spirit. Through my pursuit in science I have known cosmic religious feelings. But I don’t care to be called a mystic.

I believe that we don’t need to worry about what happens after this life, as long as we do our duty here—to love and to serve.

I have faith in the universe, for it is rational. Law underlies each happening. And I have faith in my purpose here on earth. I have faith in my intuition, the language of my conscience, but I have no faith in speculation about Heaven and Hell. I’m concerned with this time—here and now.

Many people think that the progress of the human race is based on experiences of an empirical, critical nature, but I say that true knowledge is to be had only through a philosophy of deduction. For it is intuition that improves the world, not just following a trodden path of thought.

Intuition makes us look at unrelated facts and then think about them until they can all be brought under one law. To look for related facts means holding onto what one has instead of searching for new facts.

Intuition is the father of new knowledge, while empiricism is nothing but an accumulation of old knowledge. Intuition, not intellect, is the ‘open sesame’ of yourself.

Indeed, it is not intellect, but intuition which advances humanity. Intuition tells man his purpose in this life.

I do not need any promise of eternity to be happy. My eternity is now. I have only one interest: to fulfill my purpose here where I am.

This purpose is not given me by my parents or my surroundings. It is induced by some unknown factors. These factors make me a part of eternity.”

~Albert Einstein

Text Source: Einstein and the Poet: In Search of the Cosmic Man (1983). From a series of meetings William Hermanns had with Einstein in 1930, 1943, 1948, and 1954

Thanks for the enlightenment Greg

One Love

Jez

x

Happy Saturday lovers,

Anger and spiteful thinking are 2 wasted emotions. I often fall foul of them myself, but I'm aware of their emotional corruption and their all-consuming pointlessness that leaves me feeling hollow and empty. 

I read people's Facebook updates and so often they're filled with some form of hate, spite, rage. It's obviously tough to let go of the feeling that we've been wronged or the world is screwed up. It's completely pointless to harbour malice though, live and let live people...

Every obstacle is an opportunity to grow. Every spanner thrown in your works is a chance for you to embrace change and pioneer your bright new future. Living in the past, allowing things to consume your present will compromise your future, so let it go, just set that beast of burden free and enjoy your new found freedom also. 

Today, all hostility is off in this house, we're lovers first, laughers, collaborators and fun monkeys also. It’s a week since my epic 40^th birthday party, this blog has been dormant ever since. Not through a lack of thinking or gratitude, but because I’m struggling to put into words just how humbled and appreciative I am of the amazing collaborative motion we created. From my perspective, the only thing not locked down was a few photo’s to fill in the blanks. Those of us who shared the experience don’t need photo’s to remember it’s blissful wonderment of course, we have our minds eyes.

I feel blessed to breathe out in this moment having experienced such supportive, generous friends, family and freaks. 4 days away from reality, in the exclusive company of people I've been honoured to be associated with over the past 11 years or so since being hit with my dark spectre, the beast inside that will forever torment me and present the endless emotional and physical battle.

So today and for as long as I can see into the future I’m going to ‘Live and let live’, come and join me, living is disco, baby…

One Love

Jez

x

Something sickening is holding us back…

There's a dark force that is poisoning the fabric of humanity. Greed of the 1% driving chaotic media into the masses that's full of bogey stories, the idea that hate should be encouraged whilst the people we've chosen to lead us continue to strip our basic human rights and feed their greedy mouths with our dignity. 

Something we should know is that nothing matters other than oneness, unity and belief in our instinctive capacity to help and support one another. You see, the 99% of us will always stop to pick up someone who has fallen, someone who needs us. We're not the 1%, not the black cored self gratifying cartel of 'leaders' and 'corporate giants' that control our senses. 

Strength comes from belief. If we allow Cameron, Milliband, Clegg, Farage, Murdoch or whoever to believe they have control of our minds with their vile selfish actions, they'll continue to rape us of our ability to believe in us, we, the people. We have love, we have more strength if we can simply agree that we can’t look these bastards in the eyes and honesty say we trust them to do right by us. We, the 99% have the 4 Aces, but unless we play the hand to it’s full potential we’ll always believe that someone else is holding the Royal Flush.

I’m digging deep, deeper than I’ve ever been, inside my being and into my soul and I’m not going to be held back by the social conditions that have been designed to stifle my ability to think freely and achieve my dreams. I refuse to endorse the fascist regime and if you join me, right now, we can all be geniuses together and we can all find who we are and why we’re here.

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it’s ability to climb a tree it will live it’s life feeling stupid” – Albert Einstein.

It matters not what they tell you that you are, how you are labelled by society. The 1% want you to believe you are nothing more than ordinary at best, it suits them to kill your aspirations and make you focus on things that only make them stronger. Don’t let them judge you on what they dictate you should be judged on. Believe in yourself and believe in me, because I believe in you. We have love and love is all we need….

One Love

Jez

x

We can be so judgemental. I say 'we', and i very much include 'me' as a ringleader of unjustified assumptions.

I've shared many a laugh, or rather many a cackle, with people about people, at the expense of people I've never met, most likely merely caught a glimpse of and shot a brutal narrative of some kind in the name of a giggle. More often a giggle than scorn in my experience, but from my observation, many people pass scornful judgement as a matter of fabricated fact about anyone who doesn’t fit their demographic ideal, which is usually themselves.

The day I got diagnosed with cancer, I had the closest thing I’ve ever had to an out of body experience (and believe me, I’ve tried very hard to make it happen at all different times of the day and night). My main man, maxi-facial surgeon to the stars Mr Altman, sat me down and laid it out in pretty much the most heavy 7 words anyone can ever hit you with; “It’s a tumour, it’s malignant, it’s cancer” is a sentence that will haunt me for ever. At that moment and for maybe the next 24 hours my whole core shifted. I was carrying knowledge of my reality that only very few other people on earth knew about. It’s hard to explain, but I kind of shut off my motor senses. I got on my scooter and went to the pier in Brighton for some Fish & Chips. Two of us, the only people in my real world who knew, in total and utter disbelief at what was happening.

An overwhelming sense of vulnerability and total detachment from the hoards of people passing by, some glancing over, some just happy to enjoy the vibe. I remember so clearly the feeling that no-one cold possibly imagine what I had been told only minutes earlier. I can only describe the sensation as it was like I was looking in through a window at myself, not really in control or within shouting distance, but kind of aware of what I was doing. None of these happy people could possibly understand what it is like to have cancer, to be this frightened, to be looking death square in the face and having nothing to say.

It’s this thought that I’ve been considering for the past few days. You see, when I’m cracking a joke at the expense of someone who I have no understating of, that guy could be me. To have been aware that anyone on the pier that day had noticed something about me to ridicule would have totally destroyed me. That day I felt no malice or bad intent. That’s why Brighton pier has something special for me. Everyone was kind to me, whether they knew it or not, they gave me time to pull myself together and take my battle to that tumour. I’ll always be grateful for that hour or so of out of body living.

So I’m asking myself to remember that everyone is fighting a battle that I know nothing about. Surely I have to live deeper into my belief, into my core and ‘Be Nice’, always.

One Love

Jez

x

There’s never a dull moment in the Life of I,

This week has involved my old nemesis ‘the snail rail network’ and I’m sat in first class (it was £1.50 more expensive than standard for a 5 hour journey and I get free food and drink!), stranded in the fens somewhere, no apology, no flutter of an excuse in sight. I’m fine though, it’s nice in first class.

What’s interesting is that I know if I was sat in standard class I’d be hearing moans and groans from the ever grumbling and much overcharged passengers. In here they’re all drinking wine, chatting about trips to Thailand, and seem oblivious to the fact we left Norwich half an hour after the scheduled 5pm departure. I wonder if there’s anything significant in this.

I’ve been pretty repetitive in my belief that we create our own luck, our own reality. Looking at the general vibe in here, it would appear that the more happy people are sitting in the more expensive seats. Did they create their reality by not getting bogged down complaining about the state of the national railway service and having a glass of Sancerre instead? Or, have they got far bigger things to worry about, including their massive overheads from the Richmond pile and the private schooling that Tarquin and Sebastian are attending, so a 30 min delay on the train is just 30 mins deferment from the awful stress in their real lives?

And why do we exaggerate our class wars by naming the posh seats ‘First Class’? Why not just call the 2 fares ‘Overpriced’ and ‘Ridiculous’ and see if it helps people feel more at one with each other?

What I do know is that I’ve been on the road for 3 days, my foot (the bad one) is crippling me, I miss my family and I want to be home on the 21:44, in my lovely reserved seat (carriage H, seat 07b), not the later train where I’ll have to jostle for position, possibly even facing backwards, which would be a terrible tragedy.

So, late again, working silly hours and constantly fighting to free up time, cash flow and brain space to take a deep breath and relax. It’s a rather 2013 style week so far, which isn’t really how I’d  planned 2014 to look. Needs must I guess, but it’d be good to be able to have some consistency in my working life rather than this total carnage.

Oh.. the news is that I got on the 5:30 train at 4:50pm and now I’m in danger of missing my connection at Paddington because I’m a dork! Ha, so the reason the people in first class are happy is because their train is on time. I’m the only fool who is running late.  Nice ticket man let me off mind, but he think I’ll miss the connection. With this in mind I’m going to keep this entry until I’m on the train, whichever one it is, just so you know what happened. How exciting…

This does say a lot about my frazzled little brain. I did a 14 hour day, solid yesterday, no lunch, no break and only one visit to the loo. Total and utter brain frazzler. It also shows that making assumptions about other people and their behaviour is pointless. I need to focus on me and my behaviour, how I can make the step to focus on improving myself, be it reading the platform number, or being the best dad and support I can be to my family. How odd that I should start to write and this episode of randomness unravel in real-time (this is completely true by the way, not some premeditated yarn). Everything has a meaning; this one is obviously to help me remember that my own improvement is critical.

Balls, this train has been delayed by signalling problems, which is really not helping my attempt to get home in my plush seat without delay. I live in hope..!

Good times! A Hammersmith and City train was just pulling in to the Liverpool St platform and I made it with at least 2 minutes to spare. Luxury is mine, allllll mine!!! Now where's the free stuff?

One love

Jez

x

Happy mid-January my friends;

So, whilst most people are either detoxing, dieting or whatever, either for them/yourselves or for Dry January (great charity by the way), I'm clearing out the toxins in the run up to my 40th birthday. 3rd Jan - 3rd Feb. I've devised my own dietary detox plan, it's the 'No Beer. No Bread. No Beasts' Diet. Hopefully I’ll be slightly less jowly, and wobbly bellied at the end of it. 

Day 9 and I have to say, despite all the cliché’s about not consuming loads of processed pig, thick wedges of fried bread and copious amounts of Stella multiple times a week, I feel pretty lively. 'The Driers' as I've heard it so affectionately called in Bristol this month, is making think about longevity and the rights and wrongs of shovelling dirty swine’s and chemically enhanced 'even purer pure milk' into this theme park/temple over the coming years. 

So, I'm looking at Carnivorous, Omnivorous, Pescetarian, Vegetarian, Vegan and Fruitarian diets and wondering which is the best for me. There’s no way I could live on meat or ‘fallen fruit’ alone, so Carnivorous and Fruitarianism are out of the picture. I can’t fathom out whether or not the Homo Sapien is a natural omnivore or not. But I have had a moment of clarity about Pescetarianism and Vegetarianism; bear with me.

So, I either believe that eating meat is natural and is good for me and that we, as a race, are the hunter gatherers and we eat meat for protein alongside fruit and veg. Or, I believe we’re not designed to eat meat, which includes fish and the by-products of meat (i.e.: dairy). Which gives me 2 options; I am an Omnivore in it’s fullest sense, or a Vegan. We’re narrowing down my options nicely here huh?

But no. I’ve realised that there’s a 3^rd option. The way I see it, Pescetarians don’t care about animals or they wouldn’t eat fish/prawns/whatever else they decide is on the agenda that day. A vegetarian who eats and drinks animal by-products, such as milk, cheese and eggs clearly doesn’t have an issue with the farming of animals and their welfare (or will eat organic/free range etc, but the animals are still farmed). Veganism I’m down with, it’s a clear choice between Animal or no.

The 3^rd option I have then, I’ve called it ‘Meaganism’. Eat meat, eat vegetables, but no dairy or animal by-products. This is crazy Jez, surely this is a contradiction of terms. Eating meat and Vegetables but not drinking milk, whatever next? I hear you cry. Why has no-one ever thought of this before and given it a label, it must have a label. Well, dear disciple, now it has, ‘Meaganism’.

For me, this is no different to vegetarians who eat eggs, which are merely farmed foetuses of Chickens/Ducks etc. I’m just thinking that dairy and some other things, like bread/wheat etc seem to bloat me and slow me down. If I stick to the flesh of animals that have been reared and fed with love and consideration, surely I’m more of a vegetarian than a vegetarian who drinks non-organic, mass-produced milkshakes? My food sources won’t have been herded into sheds 500 beasts deep, and 6” deep in their own shit. My meals will be traceable, at worst to the same farm as the butter the pescetarian spreads on his artificially stabilised supermarket bread?

So, my wonderful congregation, what do you think to becoming ‘Meaganists’ as a new, more animal friendly option than many people choose? I think I might just give it a go you know…!

Amen, MOFO’s.

One Love

Jez

x

As always, no plan or direction, just 14 things that trip off my tongue in no particular order. 2014, you see what I did there?

1. 

As I opened this article Felix just crawled towards me. It's the first time he's ever crawled forwards. Fear. Pride. More fear than pride. This boy, at 7 months, is now completely mobile and able to negotiate the 3000m steeplechase. Maybe not, he's now looking like he has no idea how he did it and is reversing away again in total dismay

2. 

I've also just solved the 8 out of 10 cats numbers game in about 15 seconds when no-one else got it, other than Rachel Riley of course, standard. I am Rainman.

3. 

Anyway, these 2 small moments of joy follow a long break from the blogosphere. I've not posted for 3 weeks, in which time much has happened, unfortunately my train revolution didn't gather much pace on 18th December, but I'm pleased to say that finally the Royal Marsden team are going to take a shot at fixing my cleft lisping palate gape, once my 40th birthday celebrations are done and dusted. In theory I’ll be able to talk again without the aid of a denture. 18 months late, but better late than never as they say.

4. 

In 36 days I'll be 40 years old. I'm well excited. Not many people revere their 40th birthday. I'm totally stoked that I'm going to see it and see it with some gusto. Being told your 30th birthday is unlikey to happen gives you some perspective. Cancer aside I've always thought I'd live until I was 80 for some reason, so 40 is a mere halfway marker. I’m going to have a big party in the country with people who I love and respect. It’s a fitting event as a whirlwind 18 months culminates in a big celebration of life and the support network I’ve had throughout.

5.

I’m a dad for a full 12 months. Nothing could possibly give me more motivation, fear, confidence and expectation than this. This love is boundless. This love defines me. This love grows stronger by the day.

6. 

I just have the feeling that this year is going to be more fun than 2013. No calendar year will be more definitive than 2013, I know this much. But, man I'm still not 100% bombastic and rocking my most alluring charm offensive. I feel like I've ridden a massive storm and although the waters have clamed, I'm still a little weather beaten and afraid to raise the main sail again, but I'm getting there. Paradise is being found this year with my chaotic life compass. 

7. 

This new house is a happy house. We're feeling at home already. The neighbours didn't batter an eyelid at the mound of bottles and cans in the recycling yesterday; in fact one of them offered me their box because it was obvious ours couldn't hold the ridiculous evidence of alcoholism. Another neighbour apologised for shouting at me, which is odd, as it’s usually me apologising to neighbours for shouting (not at them, just generally shouting and whooping). This is a happy home.

8.

If everything follows the plan, business is going to be really rewarding this year. Financially maybe but most importantly, emotionally wealthy. We have a chance of really making a difference to a lot of lives (for the better) and I’ll be running with my own ideals, living by my own moral codes, uncompromised in death or glory.

9.

I hate no-one. Hate is a burden to large to carry. Indifference and forgiveness release the pressure of hate, this much I’ve learned in the past year or so. I therefore feel empowered by this as 2014 turns on its thrusts and blows full force at my leathery weather worn face. Stronger, more measured and in control of the variables that were spinning wildly beyond my control this time last year.

10.

My little toe is ever less painful. I still have my football boots, they nearly got sent to the charity shop in the house move, but I’ll say it now; I want to put them on again and have at least one terrifying run out on Thursday night this year before finally hanging them up. It’s possible I will complete physio and the nerve will repair enough this year for me to have feeling in the left hand side of my leg again. I live in hope; the Thursday night footballers may relish the laughs that my ailing frame undoubtedly will draw. This will be a milestone I’m determined to reach this year and I’m usually pretty good at hitting my targets (contrary to popular belief!)

11.

I’ll exercise more no matter what, than last year. We will teach these little boys how to swim. They’ll be heavier so my daily dumbbell workout will increase in its mass throughout the year. My guns will be ripped.

12.

The boys WILL sleep through the night this year. Something that is yet to happen and shows no sign of being the case anytime soon, but my guess is that some time this summer, when we least expect it, we’ll get 8 hours of sleep out of the blue and the world will suddenly feel ‘normal’ again.

13.

Because 2013 has positioned 2014 to become a wonderful year. Not for me, not for you, but for everyone. There’s a sense of revolution in the air, a sense that poverty will be given a battering, that the oppression and obedience of the people will falter, that we are ‘one’ and we will finish this year with more control over our earth. Just reading people’s FaceBook and Twitter new year wishes this year tells a story of an uprising, a spring in the step, something unstoppable that the all seeing eyes cannot suppress.

14.

I might get married this year. Stranger things have happened and maybe the time is finally right to trap Fi, my baby mother, my soul mate, my forever sister.

One Love

Jez

x

Obedience is killing us.

I’m sitting on a train, it’s running 55 mins late. Actually, I don’t care because I arrived late and ended up on an earlier train, kinda and I’ve learned that train delays nurture opportunity.

What is most shocking is the anger and frustration people are venting through muffled grunts. It’s terrible apparently, the state of the railways. ‘They’ should do something about it.

‘They’, my love don’t give a fuck. ‘They’ know that you are not civilly disobedient. ‘They’ are lining each others pockets with your money and you hate them, those faceless failures you wish hadn’t rinsed you for £100+ for a 2 hour journey and no seat to boot.

You see, our problem, more the British than any other nation, is that we will go home, moan to our lovers, tell our colleagues, preach to any audience next time on the train home about how shite the service is. BUT, we’ll do nothing about it other than perpetuate our own misery, creating out own reality, almost willing on the failure of our lives in order to justify our own existence. Obedience is our national weakness.

Well, good luck with that. I’m loving this ride home. Admittedly, I’m just a little tipsy after an essential meeting following another appointment at Royal Marsden, but this time is good. This time is untouchable by reality. You see, I’m up for either causing a riot on this train or getting everyone drunk and enjoying this hour of freedom from reality. Right now, we’re untouchable, free, opportunists with a whole hour to create our own revolution. I’ve got a couple of people keen, but they’re not up for a full on ‘pull the chain and stop the train’ operando. The more I will it on, the more they want to pull the chain, not for freedom from society mind.

Anyway, my point is that  ‘They’ is ‘You’ is ‘Us’ so stop talking and start acting, be the change you want to see and tickle a little disobedience out of the system.

Sorry about the swearing mum, I promise I’ll never do it again. I’ll go straight to bed.

One love

Jez

x

Hi all

The sad news that Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela has died gives a lot of perspective to the daily grind we choose to endure. For me, this man is possibly the most inspirational leader of my generation. 

This man was by no means an angel, or completely without his flaws, but never has there been one man who achieved so much to bring us together as one race, one culture, one movement. No-one has inspired more people across the globe to believe in equality, democracy and love.

I mentioned recently about forgiveness being a modus operandi that I want to live. Mr Mandela was the master of forgiveness. After 27 years of imprisonment he returned to society and asked for his captors to be forgiven. Of all the brilliant statements and wise words he spoke in the 95 years he graced this planet, I don’t think there was any more telling act than this.

I guess the tributes will flood in for some time and rightly so. My concern is that we haven’t yet seen the person who will fill the void he leaves behind.  For a number of years now, I’ve thought that with Mr Mandela’s failing health, we should be looking for a new Nelson to rise up and take his good work forward into the next generation. Waiting for someone to step up is and can never be an option, the time is now for all of us to be part of the positive change we need.

I don’t want to be part of a generation of parents who leaves humanity with its critical flaws, namely centred around greed, for our children to inherit. Nelson Mandela did everything in his power to address hate with love. He wanted to see poverty ended. If we become one, we can finish the job that has been so effective in the past 20 years or so. The number of people living in absolute poverty has halved since 1990. We therefore can end it within another 20 years if we work as one.

Who is the next Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela? WE are. Be the change you wish to see, don’t wait for another generation to pick up our failure to realise our potential and unite humanity.  What difference can you make? Everything to every man, woman and child, because greed is unacceptable and love can and will prevail.

“Overcoming poverty is not a task of charity, it is an act of justice. Like Slavery and Apartheid, poverty is not natural. It is man-made and it can be overcome and eradicated by the actions of human beings. Sometimes it falls on a generation to be great. YOU can be that great generation. Let your greatness blossom.” – Nelson Mandela

One Love, Rest in Peace

Jez

x

Hey there Pop Pickers,

I'm in a materialistic hyperspace right now. I can spend money on totally unnecessary things at the best of times, but this is out of control. I need to go into consumer hibernation, and I've not even looked at the Christmas commercial countdown yet. 

Money is, of course a concern, but there's a much more important negative reaction that I associate with my frivolous big spending. It feels like the more i spend, the less real I feel. 

I’ve always had little respect for money parse, that will probably never change. I don’t respect pound notes, they’re just a distraction from what we really feel about ourselves. Obsessing over money is just a mask to distract us from other core issues a lot of the time. But, when I’m indulging in wasteful practice, I feel like I’m pushing myself away from the people I love, the world I want to see change. I think that greed is the worst of all the sins. I’m not greedy actually, but I tend to have pretty much whatever I want, which could be misconstrued as me being greedy I guess.

I’ve arranged a big party for my 40^th in February. You’re all welcome. It’s an expensive event, no doubt. But, it’s a special birthday and I really want to celebrate with people in an environment that everyone will enjoy. This past year has been so humbling that creating something memorable for the people who’ve supported me, given me positive energy and genuinely acknowledge how important this milestone is for me, seems like the natural thing to do. Not an excessive self indugance, well not completely anyway.

My new car is naughty. No defence, it’s just pure indulgence. I like it though. Enough said.

So, amidst all this excess, I need balance. I need to focus on the important things, not the consumables. Thinking about how less fortunate people could have made better use of the funds I spent on a new washing machine make me realise I need to be kinder, more generous with my love and less focussed on the Jez show. It’s time to make sure that this year finishes as strong as it has been for the first 11 months, but with altruistic intent. I want to ensure this festive period I give everything I can to those who need it the most. I need nothing, I have everything I could ever want right here in the people who share this life with me. Money and greed attract only hollow relationships and deter the most beautiful souls.

So, thanks for letting me show-off a little, I promise you’ll never be second best to a new fridge freezer, even if it does make its own ice cubes…

One Love

Jez

x

Wowsers, that was a lightning quick 12 day exile from the bloggerverse, 

There's a sense of optimism in the air. People believing the hype about the economic recovery. People buying houses with no money saved up and a bump from the Government. Well timed for the election no doubt Mr Cameron, you vile fascist pig. Hope your holiday to Sri Lanka was nice, your chat with President Rajapaksa was wholesome and fulfilling. Nice one. 

I too have an air of optimism, not because the Government are telling me they're doing a great job of pulling us out of this terrible depression that the Devilish Labour Party threw upon us. But because I know that I'm part of a generation of people who want no more war, no more poverty, no more greedy, corrupt politicians, bankers, corporates, businesses and individuals. I'm a member of the generation that won't wait for our kids, or our kids kids to step up and change this beautiful Universe for the better, because we'll have already done so. 

I feel the revolution building. Even the media, which for so long has been controlled by the politicians, the bankers, the corporates and by greed, they're finally starting to break down. The truth, the need for change is putting so much pressure on the system that it's cracking and splintering. Wikileaks, Edward Snowden, people like us. We're the children of the revolution. Us. 

Why am I feeling like this? Because I've been out there for the past 12 days and I've been talking to people, training people, measuring the behaviours of people. I've been fundraising people, for people who need our support and the public are changing their tune. Less and less I'm hearing the hate fuelled racist clichés that have permeated the Media over the past few years. The Daily Mail is losing its credibility by the day within it's target demographic. People are starting to believe in humanity again, fed up of the lies and the smoke screens. The desperate attempt to go to war in Syria, thwarted by the ever growing pressure of a voting pubic who are sick of being lied to and used as a vehicle of hate to distract one another from the real issues. Love is in the air…

One movement. One generation. One love.

Jez

x

I'm a hobo,

I’ve always moved around. Since I left the village in Lincolnshire in 1997 I’ve hardly lived in the same house/flat/squat/hovel for more than a few months at a time.

I’m moving again very soon. I like it, I enjoy the hunt for a new abode, the drama of waiting to see if it can be secured in the face of eager competition, winning the race to the acceptance of the offer. I love leaving the old house behind and closing the door for the very last time, it’s something that changes my life forever, a new home.

I don’t like lugging wardrobes up and down stairs and out into the mid-winter rain mind, the day of the event is fraught with bickering and impatience as a rule. The territorial battles that exist only in the home always flair up on moving day. However detailed the conversation about which room will house which person/prop/plant, the mental image is ones own minds eye and the failure for that image to mature without compromise always creates a little ill tempered tantrum.

But not this time. This time, we’re going to do this move with all the serenity, love and inner peace we’re capable of. I’ve come to the conclusion today that moving day is going to be fun, whatever the weather. As a believer in the fact that we create our own reality, rather than reality creates us, I’m sure that going into this day with the total belief that we’ll be singing and dancing in the rain throughout the whole experience will give us the ability to work with each other as a unit, a finely honed and beautiful 8 legged groove machine.

I find that our expectations are the key to how we manifest our reality. I’m fortunate enough to have never suffered with paranoia or a pessimism complex, I guess it’s the way my head was put together, and it’s quite possibly my biggest asset. Certainly, I could look at my life to date and suggest it’s been pretty tricky, laced with obstacles and it’s the reason I’m damaged goods. Thing is though that I don’t think I’m particularly broken from my experiences, It could be said that my life has defined me, existentially, this has to be true. But the more I believe that my reality is within my control, the more my reality is defined by me and not me by it.

I’d suggest that this is true for all of us. Don’t expect the worst from humanity, expect the best. Don’t assume you can’t be the person you aspire to be, because if you believe in yourself you’ll enjoy the journey to failure and the dusting down and the trying again so much more than failing yourself by uttering the words “I wish I could…” whilst wistfully staring into space and wondering why you never did.

Yesterday has no bearing on today and tomorrow cannot stop you living this beautiful moment. Only you stand in your way to a brilliant new reality all of your own making. The time is now, go breathe the fresh air you just imagined….

One love

Jez

x

Hi lovers

Well, today is the day, one year ago right now I was in theatre, out cold, surrounded by talented innovators and about 3 pints of claret. ITN were hanging out to getting some gruesome shots of the carnage. I was in no fit state to be talking and moonwalking. Jobless, directionless, frightened, unconscious.

What a year. So so much has happened, so many spanners in the works, so many beautiful moments. Still so far from the simple reality that I’d been sold and that I’d foreseen. So much more enriched though, emotionally & spiritually I’ve come a long way towards finding really fulfilling dynamic at home, professionally and with the Universe.

I’ve been feeling pretty weird today. Kinda feels like I’m looking at myself from a balcony, or through a window, to check up on myself to see if I’m alright, or if I’m a just massive liability..!

Truth is that I can’t really tell how I’m doing by looking over my own shoulder. I need to talk to me to really find out how I’m doing, if I’m just a brave face painted over a broken smile. It’s a pretty tricky day to be picking apart my head to be honest. The vulnerability I feel right now, as I type, suggests that despite my obvious continually improving state of mind and sense of inner strength, I’m not fixed, not properly, not yet anyway.

The pain is so hard to overcome when it’s so relentless. 12 months and every single day has been riddled with aches and pains. Today I’ve had to resort to Tramadol and Ibuprofen to take the edge off my throbbing mouth. Long term pain is a real emotional test, something you find yourself grinding out and trying to become accustomed too.

Rudy, Felix and Fi however more than compensate. 12 months ago we’d just found out we were pregnant, it wasn’t until the end of November that I dragged myself to the first scan on crutches to find out it was twins. I couldn’t have asked for anything more fantastic than this family unit. It’s tough at times, but those boys have such an amazing lust for life, something I really hope I’ve helped them with genetically. Felix especially is just a chaotic ball of loving energy, some would say ‘A chip off the old block’.

12 months is a snippet of time, but this 12 months has been the defining year of my life, no question. 10 years ago having cancer was so much more straightforward and in many ways easy to deal with than the complex highs and lows of the rehabilitation (if that’s what you can call it). Writing this is upsetting me, I was feeling a little reflective when I started this entry, now I have one question rattling around my head that I don’t want to answer because I know the truth is that I do wish I hadn’t had this operation. I wish I’d understood the risks, the potential for the problems I’ve had, the length of time I’d be in pain, unable to exercise, unable to say my sons name without holding my nose. Truth is, I’ve had enough of hobbling around in espadrilles and neoprene slip-on’s because I can’t wear even my Air Max 1’s without being in serious pain.  Mostly though, it’s the reality that I may never be able to talk or walk properly again that hangs over me. The consequence wasn’t worth the risk, period.

However, it’s a good way for me to excuse pretty much anything. I can belch, fart, swear, steal, embezzle & murder. All I have to do is pull out my cancer card and people are obliged to excuse me because it’s not my fault.

 In times like these there’s 3 great fixers;

1. fish & chips,

2. a new car,

3. the love of a good woman and my boys.

Tonight I’ve ordered all 3, because I bloody deserve them…

Bring on the next 12 months, kindness, love and inner peace are within me, the storm is calming, the suns rays are shining through. I’m back and despite the ongoing challenges, I’m bigger and better than ever baby.  Trust.

One Love

Jez

x

Evening dear congregation,

This week draws to a close in a couple of hours. What have I learned over the past 7 days? Loads of stuff, most of which will be long forgotten soon enough, but I have kinda been living the consciousness that it's pointless letting marauding forces compromise ones inner peace.

It’s a fortunate disposition that I carry, of not having too many triggers that force me into hiding. On the whole, I can roll with most of the punches that get thrown at me without too much compromise to my emotional equilibrium. That said, although I’m feeling a lot more at peace with myself, it’s evident I’m not as robust at battering off unnecessary angst as I used to be. Certainly, my emotional centre of gravity is focussed on peace, love, oneness with the Universe, not aggro and conflict. No-one ever wins a war, no-one.

I’ve made peace with my past, I have no fear of the future other than my dark spectre and even that is finding it difficult to continue its soul breaking attack on my psyche, today is where I have control of my own happiness. No-one else is responsible for my sense of wellbeing, only me. The more smiles I create, the easier it is to smile. And so the cycle revolves, evolves, and finds itself attracting likeminded souls with a powerful magnetism.

So my message to the congregation is this; Smile, no-one owns all of the problems in the world, don’t take on burdens that you have no control over. There’s little point in luring trouble to your door, or provoking it when it arrives. Just be sure to do the right thing, disarm violation of your groove with kindness. What other people think of you is not your business, it’s theirs. Embrace every challenge with a grin on your grill, not a sneer on your snout. Plant your feet on the ground, steadfast, confident, full of assurance that your reality is your own making. Don’t buckle at the knees or turn on your heels, don’t strike out and seek out revenge. Revenge isn’t a dish best served cold, it’s a dish best served with forgiveness and the sense of peace that only forgiveness, love and hope can bring.

One Love

Jez

x

Unusually, It's Friday evening and I'm home alone avec Môn petit garcons,

Mums out swapping clothes with other twin mums'. Boys are winding down with a curry and a beer, wondering how this week became so intense. 

I'm guessing that this time of year will always be a tad reflective for me. This time last year I really had no idea what was about to happen to me, that I'd be sat here tonight having dealt with the definitive year in my life, the game changing 12 months. This week has seen broken records in the fundraising game; broken promises in the physical recovery stakes and broken relationships resurface with intent. 

I'm happy though. I'm happy that in all of this, I'm in the midst of a transformation that cannot be stopped, delayed or even distracted. I'm not in control of this magnetic force that is pulling me into my brave new world, I'm clinging on to the coat tails of my fated ride and I'm more than content to see where the looping rollercoaster pulls to a pause for breath. 

Forgiveness is still really at the forefront of my mind. I feel quite untouchable and a total oneness when I forgive, let the demons take a bite and smile back. Demons feed on fear, aggression and panic. Apathy, a smile or a helping hand help the demon find its own peace, it's own kindred spirit and in turn helps me enjoy a less turbulent and more fulfilling existence. Peace resonates, only love can drive out hate, not hate, not revenge, not fear. Light drives out darkness, the light is forgiveness, the darkness cannot fight my sunrise.

There have been some pretty heavy moments in my, frankly, bizarre 39 year existence. I can’t really summarise what ‘type’ of life I’ve had, other than to say I woudn’t swap it for the world. Bar maybe Gazza, I could be Gazza and I could have fulfilled my potential and made the nation be happy and secure in the knowledge I was safe and happy rather than within a whisker of losing my troubled life to booze, drugs and depression. Well, I gave up depression anyway (Joking mum, I’ve never done ANYTHING illegal, ever, honest..)

I’m off to see my mum tomorrow. It’s been too long, this last couple of months have been tough, busy, challenging, angsty even. I need a hug from my old mum. She’ll forgive me for anything I do, which is a good thing because I’ve put her though some serious shit over the years. Forgiveness you see, freedom is in our hearts and it’s manifested through forgiveness and love and the simple words ‘Be Nice’, don’t forget ‘Be Nice’ y’all, we should be the generation who change this planet from ugly into beautiful through ‘Be Nice’. I’m keen, you in?

One Love

Jez

x

Evening lovers

Another extended absence since my last bloggers’ delight. Plenty happening, but largely stuff that shouldn’t be discussed in detail on here. Some good stuff, some tough stuff and some of the ever present chaos. 

It's a year today since I started writing this blog. Just thinking about this fact is making me feel emotional. I left my beloved job a year and 2 weeks ago, Ta-Da! Media Ltd was a year old last week, it was a year today since I decided this website would be a positive motion in my life, in 2 weeks it'll be a year since I went into hospital. And so it continues...

One year today since my first blog entry. Very nearly 50,000 hits and 2000 regular readers. Still going, maybe not quite so strong, but this is now very much part of the fabric of my being.

I'm writing about forgiveness today. Because I have pretty much come to the conclusion that whatever wrongs life or people throw at you. However distressing those negative forces can be, you can only really move on without dragging a caravan of self pity and with total inner peace through forgiveness. 

For me, every broken relationship remains so until that Zen like state of forgiveness is reached. Forgiveness doesn't excuse or endorse the behaviour of the wrong doer; this isn't what I'm saying. My belief is that for my own sake, for me to be able to focus on the most important things in my life, such as my family, my physical health and my emotional wealth, its imperative that I reach forgiveness for all of those people and acts of the Universe that have thrown their dice of malice at me with such venom. People, cancer, laws and economic climates, I forgive you and all you are. It doesn't mean I like you, hold you in any form of esteem or want to have you in my life as anything more than a distant memory. I forgive you because I need to leave you behind and be the man I aspire to be.

The methodology I’ve been trying to work with over this past year around the existential and present tense thinking of many of the great leaders (in my opinion), is that every obstacle, every swerve ball is not a negative attack, or something to slow me down. Everything is an experience from which to learn how to live today, in the moment and without fear. The past shouldn’t close our hearts, the future shouldn’t dominate our plans. Without freedom in the present, this moment, we have no life anyway.

We work to buy health care, we then need healthcare to work because we strived to protect ourselves from ourselves. We miss these beautiful moments working for the unknown, never arriving tomorrow, loathing in fear of yesterdays mistakes. I’m not worrying any more, it’s a wasted emotion. All is forgiven, life is too short. One thing this past year of online documentation has told us all is that life is far too short to be living with the burden of grudge or the plotting of revenge.

I hope you’ve enjoyed, agreed, but mostly forgiven me for my ramblings over the past year. You will never know how humbled I’ve been by the support and continued increase in readership that I’m receiving, despite the lack of new material.

My heart is on my sleeve, I’ve actually got a tear running down my cheek. A tear of freedom. I’d rather die young and free than old and a prisoner in my own skin.

One love

Jez

x

Hello world. 

My apologies, it's been a long gap since the last update. Plenty going on, much of which i could have downloaded onto this forum, but i really didn't want to put anything out there that I felt was inappropriate for this forum. In all honesty, I’ve not been in a great place emotionally. Despite a vacation of sorts in Cornwall, in a beautiful house, a lovely wedding, spinning some rock 'n' roll and the company of fine fine people, I've been sitting in a dark cloud of demotivation, self pity and blame. 

I'm usually not that susceptible to such selfish emotions. I've been thinking about why my vivacity isn't at its regular level and I guess the obvious summary is that this past year has been totally and utterly mental. No job, no money, major surgery, new company, pregnancy, complications with surgery, weight loss, more surgery, no voice, twin pregnancy, pain every day, another new business, weight gain, 2 new babies, cash flow, success with businesses, still no voice, still in pain, eventual burn out. 

I'm not having it though. It's easy to say that i can't maintain this pace etc etc, that I need to take a break and be normal, work 8 hours a day, know when I’ll get paid, where I’ll be working, who I’ll report to. I can’t though. I’m unemployable, it’d be unfair to unleash me on a ‘normal’ company with rules and processes that work and never get challenged. I've lived at a high tempo for 39 years, so this one shouldn't take its toll with any more fervour. I need to be able to carve my own destiny, be it as a successful tycoon, or a wistful cartoon. There’s a mission that remains incomplete and rather than let it fall short of resolution I need to be my own revolution.

You see, me being all dark and moody, lacking lustre is unusual, but it’ s a real leveller. It surprises people when I respond to their general interest in my wellbeing with a ‘I’m off colour’ or ‘I’m not happy’ because it’s unexpected. Good old Jez, he’ll cheer me up. Sorry, I’ve been a little lost.

I know though, that everything will be sound. I know that this whirlwind I live in is occasionally a downward gust, but generally an upwards spiral. Today at Royal Marsden I got my voice back. I have a denture admittedly, so I’m in the same position I was a year ago, but I can hear me and I feel good about that. Squae one feels good, i heard my own voice for the first time in what feels like eternity. I think I can say my sons names for the first time. Rudy rather than Rooney, Felix rather than Phoenix. My chat, back…

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama said; “When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realise that everything springs from only yourself, you will learn a both peace and joy”.

So true, so so true. So enough of the self loathing, the fault finding and onwards with the relentless love, groove and year of forward chaotic motion… I love a little chaos, it's part of my very fibre...

One Love

Jez

x

Cancer is the loneliest trip imaginable…

It’s an odd experience, cancer. It brings family and friends together, with you. It breaks down the venom in your enemies, no-one wishes cancer on anyone, well other than the Dutch, oddly enough, who say “Kankerlijer” to you if they don’t like you, which translates into “Cancer Sufferer”. Anyway, I digress.

Cancer, you’d think is something you share with everyone else. It certainly feels that way to everyone else. But, I’ve always found it something that distances me from the rest of the world, even my most loved and trusted. I bleat on about it all the time, hiding behind it, using it to get me free prescriptions because the pharmacist dare not charge me when I pull the cancer card out and I write about it loads (obviously), so it’s a strange thing to put out there really, that it’s a lonely journey.

10 years on I still sit and think about the tumour, the reality that it still might metastasise in my lungs or liver at any time and if it does (as happens in over 50% of cases with this specific type of cancer), it'll pretty much be curtains for me within months. It’s not possible to talk about this to anyone in any details really because verbalising the rational and the irrational thoughts is like a minefield of emotional trauma for all concerned. It’s much easier to segment it off and keep the majority of these thoughts to oneself. They say that London, with its 12 million people and 24 hour lifestyle is one of the loneliest places on earth when you really need a friend. My experience of cancer is similar, so many people who want to help, want to support me, but no-one I really want to share this thing with most of the time.

This blog has given an insight from my psyche to so many people.  Fi reads it and learns loads because talking to the internet is easy for me. Talking to the eyes of the people who care about me just tears me up inside when I know it’s upsetting them. I’d rather not create distress in other people and keep the demons within because cancer is demonic enough without it forcing its darkness into loved ones.

Thankyou for being there for me whenever I’ve needed to reach out. Thankyou for reading this blog and helping to support my need to share, all be it without looking you in the eye. Things are better now than ever. I have so much more to live for than ever. Together with your support I’m stronger than one man…

One Love

Jez

x