Well, today is my Birthday...

I'm 39 years old today. Odd when I say it out loud like that. This is my last birthday as a non-parent. This is the last birthday of my 30's. I am extremely grateful to be sitting here at this age. 

10 years ago, almost to the day, I found a lump in my mouth, a lump that would change my life and my aspirations and my whole sense of being. I haven't shared my 'Pizza saved my life' story with you, and it suppose it'd be more poignant to do so on 12th Feb, as this will mark precisely the day, 10 years on, that I found the tumour on the roof of my mouth. So, I'll park that for a few days.

39 is a big number. I love it though, because it's 9 more than a lot of experts said I'd ever see. I really appreciate the numbers increasing every year, so I guess that's one positive affect facing the your own mortality and getting another shot at the title has given me. It's similar to the way I don't wish my life away 4 days a week and tear it up for the other 3 to escape the grim reality that is my life. So, 39 is a good number!!

How will I celebrate this moment in time, this moment ne'er to be repeated? Good times with some of the dearest people in my life hopefully. the best of friends have just arrived from Holland, a rather tidy Ska band's album launch and some Hendricks gin, tonic and cucumber. All of which should combine to create a memorable evening of high jinks and frivolity...

The only missing component will be Fi. She's beyond the ability to handle a jumping crowd and a drunken loud Jez, so she's holing up at home with other peoples babies whilst the parents and parents to be enjoy the party spirit. I love Fi's attitude. Rather than be bitter that other people are having fun, she's just dropped a random act of kindness so they can be free to enjoy themselves. 'Be Nice' personified. That's my girl...

I must go and wash my balls and pluck my ears. Tis but once a year I shed a skin and skin number 38 is making way for a rather tidy looking number 39 tonight. I wonder how tidy it'll look by tomorrow morning!? :)

One Love

Jez

x

Happy Humpday

I've been a little absent this week. It's been emotional, hence not feeling in the right frame of mind to drop the usual knowledge rhymes. Today has been a culmination of all sorts of emotional triggers. Home now, reflecting...

I feel some inner peace right now. I've made a decision, not an easy one, that I believe will remove some stress and unessesary responibility from my life. It's something I've considered for a while and it became very apparent today that the timing is right. Decision made, I already feel more calm, more relieved, more able to regain my 2013 momentum. I guess it's not always easy to recognise when to close certain doors, especially ones that open up worlds of emotion. Clinging on to the past really prevents you from moving into the present. Old objects, relationships and dreams can be like ex-girlfirends. You don't really want them, but you don't want anyone else to have them. Until you move on of course, and then you're happy as Larry for them to be as amazing as they were when you fell in love with them.

A touch of man flu hasn't helped me this week either. I've been sweating like a fat lad in a sweet shop. Still feeling ropey, but Fi took me out for a birthday surprise tonight. Absolutely lush dinner at The Pony & Trap in Chew Magna. Best food and vibe I've experienced for a long time. After the day I've had today (and there were tears), I couldn't have asked for a better (gin &) tonic. That girl is my rock, totally. 

There you have it I suppose. Big decisions need making with good food and a bottle of bubbly. It has to be the right move because I think I'll sleep tonight for the first time this week. I don't sleep when I've got things racing around my mind. I hate leaving stuff looming or not having a reasonable control over things. 

Anyway, I'm closing this entry at the very end of Wednesday. It's been emotional....

One Love

Jez

x

I am what I am 
I am my own special creation 
So come take a look 
Give me the hook 
Or the ovation 
It's my world 
That I want to have a little pride 
My world 
And it's not a place I have to hide in 
Life's not worth a dam 
Till I can say 
I am what I am 

I am what I am 
I don't want praise I don't want pity 
I bang my own drum 
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty 
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle 
Why not see things from a different angle 
Your life is a shame 
Till you can shout out I am what I am 


I am what I am 
And what I am needs no excuses 
I deal my own deck 
Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces 
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit 
One life so it's time to open up your closet 
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out 
I am what I am 

I am what I am 

I am what I am 
And what I am needs no excuses 
I deal my own deck sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces 
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit 
One life so it's time to open up your closet 
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out 
I am what I am 

I am I am I am good 
I am I am I am strong 
I am I am I am worthy 
I am I am I belong 

I am 

I am 

I am I am I am useful 
I am I am I am true 
I am I am somebody 
I am as good as you 

Yes I am

One Love

Jez

x

Sunday Service..

Ok, so I've developed a taste for Sagres. For some reason, both my locals sell it and it's a darn fine pint. After 3 days of being left no options other than frequent the local boozers I'm feeling pretty shaky. 

Got a lot on this week too, but with my family imminently due in town, I've decided to take the day off tomorrow and hang out with them before trips to West Midlands, Watford and Cambridge before my birthday on Friday. I'm a busy bee, as busy as a bee can be....

My mum, my sister and my niece and nephew are coming to stay for a few days. No doubt Windmill Hill City Farm will get a visit or 2 and the twins will be spoiled rotten by Auntie Fi Fi (or Pi Pi, as she's more commonly known!). I’m not talking about our twins either, my niece and nephew are twins too (as is Fi). We're a twin breeding family and no mistake!

Looking at February is like starting all over again. January is history, dust, old news. February is the here and now and I'm very much living in the moment nowadays. The moment, on the whole, is a good place to be. There are challenges, things I really don't want to have to deal with, but I know I need to tackle in order for the fears not to manifest into something more significant. Sometimes rolling over and accepting stuff is the easy option, but it's never the best attitude and it rarely creates the results you want or need. Passive behaviour patterns make for an OK short term, but long term they breed bigger problems. I guess I'm naturally quite a passive manager. It's something I'm aware of and I have a conscious methodology of handling. There are 3 main types of leadership in essence; 'Pacify & Socialise', 'Tell & Do' and 'Challenge & Involve'

I naturally lean towards 'Pacify & Socialise'. This is the passive management style. Someone who isn't usually very good with conflict, likes to believe that a pint and a chat after work will smooth over the cracks. This is OK for a short term fix, but the issues never get resolved and ultimately the grow into bigger and bigger problems over time. 

'Tell & Do' is very much a 'do as i say' , aggressive style of management. Again, leaders who adopt this style tend to use their job title as a weapon of superiority with their subordinates and are often considered a brown nose to their superiors. 'Tell & Do' managers don't explain why they're making decisions, they just bark out the orders relentlessly. They're intrinsically unpopular with their staff and usually considered petty by their superiors. Short term, they breed resentment, but get the job done. Long term, they have little staff loyalty and the constant barking of orders becomes the norm and therefore ineffective and unproductive over time. If anyone ever tells you to do something and when questioned, reminds you they are your manager, invariably they'll be a pretty terrible leader. Great leaders never need to re-enforce their authority by reminding people of who they are, their actions speak far louder than any words.

A 'Challenge & Involve' leader will do exactly that, Challenge the team and involve them in decisions. Assertive behaviour, not aggressive or passive behaviour is where we should all be aiming for maximum efficiency, respect and results. Empowerment is a critical element of strong leadership. Involvement in the decision making process ensures buy in at every point and it pretty much guarantees employees will remain focussed and motivated. Sounds easy, but maintaining a 'Challenge & Involve' environment constantly is extremely difficult to achieve. Most people fall into 'Pacify & Socialise' or 'Tell & Do' naturally, or sometimes both in the cases where the leadership is passive aggressive. 

One thing I do know though, is that as long as I'm aware of these 3 styles, I'm able to bring myself into the 'Challenge & Involve' mind-set and make decisions I believe will solve the challenges put before me. 

February must be strongly geared towards resolution, solution and progression. 

One Love

Jez

x

We made it through January everyone!

I've been reflecting on January today. All told it was a really good month for me and mine. Far from perfect, but if the rest of the year continues to progress at the rate January did, 2013 really will be the year that my life got back on track. 

Physically, I'm not happy with progress. I can't lie, this mouth of mine is a joke and the fact i still can't wear anything other than espadrilles is becoming extremely tiresome. The scar is healing though, the swelling isn't as bad either. My face is still repairing, but it's settling down slowly. I'm getting there, just not quite at the pace I expected too.

Other than that, the baby situation is really cool. Had a couple of scans in the past 2 weeks and the youths are measuring up perfectly well according to the 'normal' chart. They obviously can't measure for 'Jezisms' with an ultrasound stick though. We still have one with the O'Neill 'Concorde' Nose and one with the Cameron 'Normal' Nose. Genitalia is yet to be 100% confirmed, but we saw a dangler on one, so there's a little Jezza in there, maybe 2!

Business has been a whirlwind of activity. I've spent more time on the trains this month than I have for at least the previous year. On the whole they've been OK and really economical. I never thought I'd be saying that after 2000 miles of travel on our ageing rail network. I've nailed a few deals, even helped close a 5pm month ender last night whilst on the train, using my phone as a modem to flit between supplier and end-user. I'll not be able to pay the mortgage without a loan from Fi, but I've had a lot of faith from people and a lot of positive vibes that should manifest in itself financially in the coming months. There's a little hope that I might just pull this running a business lark off despite the position I've started from! This is a good thing for all concerned because the thought of having to go and get a job is enough to put the fear of God into me and every potential employer in the South West! 

Not content with one new business, I'm having another one too. 2 new businesses is a much cooler idea than only having one to worry about. What a difference a month makes hey!? 

I've never had a problem with having cool ideas. I wonder if anyone wants a couple of almost functioning new businesses so I can think of another bizarre company to set-up. It'd be perfect if I could just conjure up quirky new business ideas and sell them on before the complicated art of profiteering begins. In fact, I could create a new business called 'The Think Tank' and that business' function could be purely to think up madcap business ideas that I could sell to other wanabee entrepreneurs who aren't very creatively minded like me. 'The BFG of Business', collecting dreams and releasing them into the world for people to enjoy. 

I'd better patent this or you'll all think you're as talented at crazy ideas that you couldn't possibly follow through with as I am. Don't kid yourselves, this is a very special mind, mind...

The wonderment of imagination is great. Sometimes it does blur my reality though. A little like the other day when I woke up with my new mantra at the front of my mind; 'I had cancer, cancer didn't have me'. I really don't know where it came from, my creative mind, or my subconscious, storing something I'd read somewhere. 

Anyway, whether or not it has been real, January has been the best month I’ve had for a long time. I feel like I’ve achieved as much as I could have possibly expected. I’m getting my Mojo back, feeling like I’m waking up from a tranquiliser haze. ‘Be Nice’ is really working out for me and, I guess, the people who I’m spending time with. I’ve had some of the most wonderful comments about this blog and the work I’m trying to do. And the babies, the babies, the babies; they’re making me well up just at the thought of them…

One Love

Jez

x

On the Groove Train..

Final leg of the tour is heading to the bright lights of Londres to watch a little footy and most likely ‘unwind’ a tad after a mad few days that Phileas Fogg would have struggled to keep up with.

This old groove train must be 50 years young. It’s got wooden trim and it looks like a bumper car from the outside. Smooth though, better than one of those horrible Cross Country heaps, they don’t make ‘em like they used too…

My week should take a decidedly more leisurely pace from hereon in despite a couple of meetings in London tomorrow. The peace and quiet of Liverpool St station will be welcome. So where am I at? Still talking funny, still walking funny, but less conscious of both. Swagger is probably a couple of weeks away, but the shoulders are back and the head is up. I’m proud of me again, kinda feel reinforced after a wave of appreciation. It has been many moons since I’ve felt like I’ve left a crowd of hyped up peers in my blazing DeLorean’s trail. Warm people, warm hearts and faith in the big man. All essential ingredients in the grand old restoration of Jezza project…

So, my thoughts have been with how I make my working life more attuned to my the universal balance I’m so keen to achieve.  I’ve nudged Bristol Drug Project to remind them of my application to volunteer for them. I’ve coined a great phrase too that is going to take me into offering my time and love to a cancer charity (whichever one will entertain my musings). “I had cancer, cancer didn’t have me.” I’m not sure if I made this up, or if I read it somewhere and then made it up with subconscious will, but I love it.

I can take a real vibe from these 7 words, write something to deliver to a group, throw belief at people with more gusto, just generally live the words as they’re written. Childish yet poignant. Arrogant yet vulnerable. Jez yet Jez.

“I had cancer, cancer didn’t have me…” Love it..

One Love

Jez

x

And Relax!

Tuesday is offically drawing to a close. Did some pretty interesting stuff today (interesting to me, not you, so i'll not bore you with the details). Enjoying the comany of good people, trusted old adversaries from the 'Liste Noir'. 

No time for philisophical thinking, got another 200+ miles to cover in the morning, then a swerve to London to hook up with a dastardly Arsenal fan. Gonna watch the footy with him if the trains run smooth, and to be fair to the creaking old network she's held together pretty well this week with a whole lotta miles behind me. 

I have to admit, I'm totally shattered. I'm not familiar with 12 hour days and I've put 2 in this week already, so my mind has very little to offer tonight other than to say that I love you, and you and you, but not you, oh, and you're pretty sound, but he's a dick.

oh, and i heard this whilst chowing down on some lush Thai food tonight; "Apparently 1 in 4 people suffer from mental illness. Have a look around this table. if the other 3 are alright it must be you...." Yep, and I wouldn't change me for world you normal Normans...

One Love

Jez

x

Hola Bonita!!!

So, onto the next destination after a good, if somewhat frustrating day. The initial wardrobe malfunction (angora wool and brushed cotton = angora cotton and a written off shirt) was swiftly followed by a wheeled case losing a wheel, all before 9am. These things happen in 3's though apparently, so not sure if I should jump on the train anywhere tonight for fear of hitting a long haired rabbit and derailing the carriage!

Good to feel like I've got some real value though. Back in the seat and realising I'm actually pretty damn good at what I do, and that I love it. I may not quite be working in the charity world, but the principals and the people are pretty similar under the bonnet. My head is buzzing, it's the first time I've really been involved in anything interesting for months. It's like waking up after hibernating for the winter and realising it's still winter, but winter's pretty damn cool and deciding to check it out rather than go back to sleep. Or something...

Earning a crust is pretty damn liberating too after not doing so for a while. I've never, in my whole life (except when I lived in Asia), sat around and vegetated for more than a couple of weeks. Even when I had cancer I was back at work in a month on a 3-month sick note. I must like working, which is odd because I thought I was one of those people who could actually just bum around the house all day quite happily. Getting up in the morning like today is not my bag though. It's another guys domain, getting breakfast at 7.30am today was painful. Our kids are staying up late and getting up late, learned behaviour from their parents. None of this 'in bed by 7 and up at 6' madness. Dawn's crack is none of my business. 

I feel like I’ve matured a lot in a professional sense in the past few months. Now I can be myself and I am wholly responsible for only my actions, I’m much more aware of my behaviour patterns, the methodology behind my decision making. I’ve been really analysing how I could have improved upon my previous incarnation. Looking at the weaknesses is probably the biggest source of personal growth I’ve felt. With a little time to duck out of the melting pot I’m learning to accept my shortcomings and make them less so. I’m therefore more complete and I’m able to be more true to my philosophies and ideals. I read this last night and it rang true to where I believe my mind to be gravitating:

“Existence precedes essence. We have no predetermined nature or essence that controls what we are, what we do, or what is valuable for us. We are radically free to act independently of determination by outside influences. We create our own human nature through these free choices. We also create our values through these choices. We are thrown into existence first without a predetermined nature and only later do we construct our nature or essence through our actions. Existence precedes essence.”

Interesting, as I’ve always made a point of rebuking social conditioning. This way of thinking is clearly of interest to me and I’m going to take some more time investigating Existentialism and its theories.

Not now though, gotta run to the next stop as part of the rat race. Kinda loving it.

One Love

Jez

x

So,

Fi and I are in the North, cooped up in a hotel, readying ourselves for a hectic week ahead. Fi doesn't get home (via various stops) until Weds night and I'm home Thursday night. It's cool we've managed to get meetings not to far from each other tomorrow so we can hang out tonight before heading off in opposite directions for a few days of living out of our wheeled cases. Ooh the glamour!

And this is where I've realised I have to be right now. My phone voice is laughable, sitting at home firing out emails isn't really the game, so travelling to all corners of the country is where the new business is at methinks. Next week is different, I'll be out of Bristol a few days but I'm making the journeys in Marge and coming home every evening. Marge ain't really a motorway car, she demonstrated this today. I've not used the inside lane really in 20 years of driving, but we made our aquaintance regularly today. 

So, all sorts of new things happening. New opportunities, new (rather large, much cheaper and very uncool) car, new outlook, new new new. It's all a little intense if I'm honest. I feel like I'm hanging onto the coat tails of my own hype. There's clearly a whole load of people who think highly of me, think I might have a philosophy that we can share and work with and are interested in being part of my new, rather vulnerable self. My problem is managing to facilitate and service every need with the focus and attention they each deserve. I'm used to delegating, I'm a great delegator. Some would say too good, to the point of not actually doing anything myself, some know better mind. With no delegatory reporting line, I'm having to service everything myself and this requires a disciplined, structured working methodology, something I've done less and less over the years as the number of competent people around me had grown. All change, so how do I make sure my brain is in shape to make these changes with some degree of credibility?

Well, not hanging out in Lakota until 6am would be a start. I joke, but eating the right food, moderating my diet (I actually sat in a cafe the other day and ate museili and yoghurt), reading all sorts of books (I have 4 on the go at the minute) and making myself realise that I have no choice but to be totally on my game because the clock is ticking on rent, loans, bills, babies and whatever else is earmarked to munch it's way through my overdraft in the next few weeks. And it's that 'Survival Mode' energy that I think is pushing me like this. It's distracting me from the pain and embarassment I'm still experiencing from my foot & mouth disease. New business meetings in Espadrilles is pretty random, but it seems to be fine. "Please excuse the footwear, I simply can't put anything else on my rogue little toe" is a plausible enough introduction apparently! Scars work a treat too. "It was a hammerhead" has drawn a few smiles. 

What I'm saying is that with all the dark days of last year put to bed, I'm starting to think with a lot more clarity and this is manifesting in a mind full of ideas. Harnessing those ideas and maturing them into some sort of career may well be one of my finest and most defining achievements if I can pull it off. And, with a little good will and my Karma sponge dropping some magic water I think I'm going to just about be able to pull it all together and feed this little family of mine. Surely I'm due a little rub of the green, if not me then you should see those cute little faces on the scan, it's already obvious their mothers genes have dominated, lucky little blighters appear to have avoided the infamous O'Neill nose!

Remember, these could be the best days of our lives. Monday opens the door to a wonderment of opportunity, live it, love it, feel it....

One Love

Jez

x

That was an interesting evening. A lot of laughing, a spot too much Red Stripe and Tinnitus to remind me of just how loud it was. I've wasted a whole day today lurking and sleeping and vowing never to drink again. Just like old times!

Fitting then, that I was out with old friends. Party people, magic people, voodoo people, people who do what you don't dare do people. I somehow got railroaded into going to Lakota. I think the last time I went there was maybe 12 years ago. Randomly, Ratpack were performing and the last time I saw them was probably 17 years ago at a rave in Skegness. They pretty much played the same set they played 17 years ago, to a whole new generation of lunatics. Most of the crowd were barely born the last time I witnessed this performanceand they were loving it as I did for the first time in the early 90's. 

I've therefore been taken full circle for the first time. In the same way that I've watched many Soul, Funk, Motown and Rock bands that were at their peak in the 70's, just as I was born and I didn't discover until 20 years later, I've been officially 'Around the Block' for the first time. I feel a little older than I did this time yesterday. 

Must dash. I have another social engagement at the Old Bookshop in Bedmo if anyone's interested. I'll be honest though, the act isn't my bag, so you'll find me at home watching MOTD, or next door to the Old Bookshop in the Hare. Not drinking mind, that'd be a rediculous idea and nothing good could possibly come from it. Well, one might take the edge off this headache, but literally, just one...

I might have been around the block, but I've still got moves like Jagger....

One Love

Jez

x

I'm gonna pop out for a little Social. I'll try to keep my eyes peeled for gossip and observations to feed you tomorrow and beyond. I'm leaving the house actually thinking like a journo. How odd. 

This blog has officially become my 6th sense...

Have a wonderful evening readers. See you on the other side

One Love

Jez

x

And relax...

Just made it home after a quick dip in the oceanic climbs of Brighton once more. Interesting meeting today, old faces with a fresh outlook. I'd say that's pretty much the theme of the year so far. I've hooked up with all sorts of people I've not seen for years (literally). Rustling up numbers from the old black book is proving rather rewarding and I've got more Brightonian numbers in my 'livre noir' than any other.

It's over 7 years since i said goodbye to the seaside and headed to the South West for a change of scenery. It's hard to believe I've been gone as long as i lived there. Bristol's a grower though, it becomes more a part of my soul every day. I feel really settled here now, but I've got this absolute knowing that we'll leave here for more rural climbs at some point in the next 5 years. No other reason than the thought of bringing up the kids in this city scares the bejesus out of me. Being a country boy myself, I know I would have gotten up to a lot more mischief with a whole city to go on the rampage in rather than a village surrounded by arable land. I love it in the city, but it's dangerous and danger isn't on the parenting tick list.

Parenting is dominating. It's all my old friends and I talk about nowadays. We meet for the first time in years and talk baby names. We then discuss how we never thought we'd have a conversation with each other about baby names (yes, Kelly we had that chat today, but it's just about everyone who see's me now who remembers Disco Jez is kinda wondering if it's all for real). I can't believe it's all I'm really that interested in talking about either. Metamorphosis is in effect!

Everyone has been so kind about this blog. I often (as I did today) learn about a secret reader, one of the silent ones I could never have guessed about who sneaks a peak in the log every now and then to see what wisdom I've deployed into the wide open space. I guess today there's very little wisdom as it's more of an observational piece, but there's something that all of my old buddies have told me. They think 2013 is my year, they pretty much all believe in me and the way I'm trying forge a new dynamic. 

In the famous words of Otis Clay - "The only way is up baby, for you and me now...." (yes Yazz and the Plastic Population did cover it, but it's not a patch on Otis Clay's less popular version). He sang it like this;

"Well well well, we're gonna make it, we're gonna make it baby.

We've been broken down to the lowest turn,
Bein' on the bottom line, sure ain't no fun,
If we should be evicted from our homes,
We'll just move somewhere else and still carry on.

Oh, you and me baby.

The only way is up, yeah, for me and you now,
The only way is up, baby, for me and you now."

One Love

Jez

x

My word, what a day!

Knowledge is power and power is dangerous. I’ve been learning all sorts this week about direct influences on my life. Some good things, some disappointing things. There’s certainly a balance in the individuals I’m involved with. Some are wonderful, some are weak, some are downright wrong ‘uns.

I feel like I’m much better equipped today than yesterday, and less so than tomorrow, to deal with the wrong ‘uns and the weak. And ever more capable of embracing the wonderful. My journey has taken on some emotional and choppy waters, but I can see the beautiful lagoon on the horizon. It’s like I’m starting to really find my groove again and when I’m in my groove I’m very difficult to stop or top. I wish I was in my groove all the time because life would be a synch and I’d leave a trail of funk and soul for everyone to enjoy.

I want my legacy to remember me for being myself, whatever the consequence, whatever the success. I’m not talking about being a trouble-maker, anarchist or someone who railroads others at all costs. Sure, a little anarchy has always been a core part of my genetics. But, I’d like to endear myself to most people, leave a sweet taste, create a positive movement however small. Obviously, I’m a big character and I’m controversial, so burning a Messiah-like trail is a long way from any kind of reality, but as long as the trail has a positive vibe most of the time I figure I’ll be happy.

I suppose I’m not the Messiah, I’m a very naughty boy, so my appeal is often more so for those who dare, those who like a little bite in their lives. No-one ever blazed a trail by being a conformist though. A little danger gets the heart racing and everyone loves and adrenalin rush….

What am I talking about? Who knows, this is a proper mind dump after a double shot latte. I’m pretty sensitive to caffeine strangely enough. Beer I can douse myself in, gin I can guzzle like a fish, but caffeine is a stimulant and I really don’t need stimulants. I have far too much energy bubbling around my veins naturally.

All I’m saying is; let’s get it on everyone, let’s make something special out of this year. Let’s work it together, in unison, with some serious passion and groove. Because this is our time, right here, right now, the times of our lives and we might not realise it until it’s too late if we don’t embrace it right now.

‘Wonderful world, beautiful people’ or ‘Dastardly World, destructive people’. Which would you prefer to be a part of? Well, it starts with you and it’s starts right now.

One Love

Jez

x 

Happy Tuesday

Let me tell you something; there are loads of strong minds out there fighting and believing that their battle will be won. I've spent a lot of today on twitter, reading bio's and blogs of people who are suffering from cancer, have beaten it, have dedicated their time to helping others through and are determined to help find a cure. 

It makes me realise that I'm a lazy, selfish sod actually. My declaration that the Marsden March is beyond me is shameful. It's not beyond me and I’m going to do it. I've been in touch with the lovely peeps today and they're even going to see if there's a spare wheelchair I can take to be pushed in if I can't walk it. I realise as I'm writing this that I haven't told Fi any of this yet. Hold on a minute, I'm just going to explain....

OK, we're cool. So, I had a volunteer wheelchair pusher pop up and Facebook yesterday, so on the assumption that this was a serious offer (and knowing him, I bet it was), I'm going to register. I need to get my priorities in order and making the effort to raise some funds for Royal Marsden Cancer Charity has to be higher on the list than not doing anything on 17th March. I've got nearly 2 months to prepare so I'm hoping I can build my strength enough to walk the 14 miles from Chelsea to Sutton. But if not, the 'Beer Chariot' as I've decided to name it, will have to carry my bony arse for a while. This is far from insurmountable, so why did I effectively give up the opportunity to make this happen? Because it's the easy option I think. I mean, it's easy to sit on my bones and say it's not my fault I can't do it, its someone else's. In reality, I can do this and when I do finish the course, it'll be my fault. 

The bad news for you guys is that I'm going to pester you for a couple of quid to add to the pot. I mean, what sort of a fundraiser would I be if i didn't lobby my most intimate audience for a little support? I've poured my heart out with you, shared the news of my imminent new family, taken you into the ward and explained just how incredible this hospital is. You've lived this whole thing with me guys, so when the time comes, I'll be making my fundraising drop ask right at you. It'll be shameless and it'll be vulgar, but you wouldn't have me any other way would you?

I'm going to pursue this chain of thoughts though. Why did I almost give up at the first hurdle? It's not my usual style, I like to think I'm a battler, so it's a little concerning to think I'd roll over so easily. I suppose I could cite that 'I've got so much going on right now that its only natural for me to not feel my best' or something like that. You see, that sort of attitude really riles me. Wallowing in my own self-pity and not doing something to challenge the problem or change my dynamic isn't something I usually do. I'm very conscious that it shouldn't creep in now just because the going's tough. This is one moment in time when I need to press on and make things happen. The March is a goal I'd set myself before my operation; it’s just another brick in the wall....

“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” unless I'm in the chair of course and in which case you better push boy!...

One Love

Jez

x

Hey

I've finally given up hope of participating in the Marsden March this year. I've been holding off applying because of my healing not yet being complete enough and have decided today that 13 miles is going to be way too far for me to attempt this March. The fact a 400 yard walk to the garage this morning in my brand spanking new Air Max 1's was agony is enough to tell me that I'm nowhere near where I need be physically to pull off this event. Shame, but there's no point setting myself back in my recovery. I want to be as fit and healthy as possible by the time the babies come, which brings forth another quandary;

If I go by the book chronologically, my operation will be on 30th April and the babies will arrive 2 weeks later. I think 2 weeks will be enough time to be well enough to handle things, but should they arrive 2 weeks earlier than we're expecting, I might be on the operating table when Fi goes into labour, so it's not really feasible. 

I have 2 options; have the operation earlier. This is only an option if the team at Royal Marsden decide I'm ready though as this next shot at fixing me up clearly needs to work or there will be an altogether bigger problem to overcome. Or, hold it off until after the youths arrive. But, how long? It could be a while before Fi's strong enough to handle 2 screamers on her own. A dilemma indeed and I'm not sure what the best option is. Sure, I need to get my voice back from Punch, but not at the expense of risking long term damage for the sake of a couple of months. The thought of having to deal with this hole for another 6 months is pretty heavy to handle though. So, maybe I go for it for 30th April as suggested by RM and tell Fi to cross her legs for a couple of weeks! 

One thing's for sure, these things always have a tendency to work themselves out in the end. The most critical thing (after anything baby related, of course), is that this operation is '3rd time lucky' because I'm not sure there's a plan B in place should it fail this time. I do, of course, have another leg that has a fibula still, so I suppose we could just rip it all out and start again. Or, just rip it out and put my old obturator back in until something even more revolutionary comes along and they can fuse bone from my ribs and skin from my perineum or something! No point worrying about it though, it's too far ahead for any sort of cohesive plan to stick, so I'll keep it at arms length a little while longer and see how things pan out I think. Today is all about today, tomorrow never comes and yesterday is already forgotten (except the pork and crackling!). 

Since starting writing this this morning, the garage has called to let me know how Marge got on. She failed the MOT, but only on the bald tyres I was already aware of, so that's a piece of good news for sure. She did need new ignition coils and plugs though, which is pretty much as expected. Overall she would appear to represent a bargain purchase from the moody old Auction! Large Marge the Wonder Bus is certified road legal for another year... 

On that note, I'm taking her for a ride to the airport to collect a Poker star and his entourage. What a rock 'n' roll lifestyle I'm leading right now. Bus driver....

One Love

Jez

x

Evening. 

Now, let me remind you that this is not the time of the week to be feeling the dread of Monday. It's the calm before the wonderful new week. This could be the best week of our lives, so let's give it a fair crack before judging it..!

Yet another pretty chilled weekend has flown by. I'm savouring the lie-in's and the total lack of responsibility we have in this house right now at the weekends. Change is massively afoot from May 2013 to sometime after may 2031, so these last 17 (ish) weeks of slopping around on a Sunday are being very much appreciated. I caught a glimpse of Fi today that brought home just how much her belly is growing. The twins only weigh about 2/3lb each right now, so they'll be maybe 10x their current size, which would indicate Fi will be approximately the size of the Equator come 37 weeks. For the record, this is not in any means supposed to indicate you're fat Fi, you're beautiful and I'm loving watching these little tigers grow with you :o)

Another interesting week ahead this week. Marge's MOT might put the dampeners on things if I've been and gone and bought a lemon! I got stuck going up a hill yesterday, fortunately a couple of passers by who had a shovel managed to help me make it to the brow. It was pretty funny though, they turned around when they heard the car coming and the guy knew before I did that I'd need their help. He had his shovel drawn and ready by the time my speedometer suggested I was going 30mph forwards but I was actually going sideways and backwards. Good sorts, a random act of kindness and a hearty thank you, everyone was warmer inside afterwards. Good times.

I'm back on the tracks this week and next week. Only one night away this week, but 5 nights next week by the look of it. Mustn't grumble I suppose, a man in demand is exactly what I want to be. And no, I don't really care that the weather is a little volatile. It's hardly Siberia, we've all seen a lot more snow than this before now and made it to work. I find it amazing when I see on Facebook the amount of people who decide their snowed into their city house and can't make it to work, but are able to go sledging. back when I were a lad we used to make a snow plough out of cornflake boxes and tunnel us way out though 12ft snow drifts just to get the milk off the pavement. Maybe not, but you get my point, people have become pretty goddamn lazy. 

Laziness is something I can't abide on a professional level, I can't really understand it. I can slob out, like this weekend, but I really don't like working with workshy people. I can't understand why anyone would think it a good idea to do as little as possible. The way I look at it, if you love your job you'll work hard and as productively as possible because it's enjoyable. If you hate it, you work hard to get it out of the way, or to pass the time more quickly. Either way, sitting around clock watching and wishing the time away has to be the most miserable way of enduring your day. Everyone has bad days at work, but there's nothing that compounds that day than wallowing in it and failing to give it your all. Maybe I'm just David Brent in disguise....

This is me in survival mode I suppose. Everything is an opportunity, everything is worth chasing down and exploring. The amount of opportunities is incredible though, this much I've learned in the past few weeks. Even sounding like Punch from Punch & Judy (thanks for pointing this out Dan), I'm still finding that I've got something to offer. 

My voice is definitely better than is was before Wednesdays visit to RM, but it's still unrecognisable as me. I think of something to say and the voice in my head (my regular voice) bears so little relevance to the one I hear when I vocalise my thoughts that it's pretty disconcerting. "That's the way to do it..." and "Sausages" is pretty much all that comes out of my mouth. 

Have to mention the Star & Dove today. Incredible Pork Belly roast this afternoon boys. The crackling was liberating, pork was properly rendered, the roasties were lush and that little tray of assorted onions was inspired. Best roast I've had for yonks, thank you very much...

On that note, I think I might order a Ruby Murray. Yep, I'm eating again and I'm nearly 14st again. I’ve finally managed to put on a couple of Kg in the past week or so. I've eaten like an absolute pig mind, so I'm probably about to see my belly balloon. Which will be nice for Fi, so we can work Shea butter into our midriffs in unison..!

Have a great evening and a cracking start to the week y'all

One Love

Jez

x

Hi brave warriors.

I've been looking into blogging best practice. It would appear this isn't so much a blog, as a diary. Anyway, I'm enjoying myself and I assume you guys are or you wouldn't be reading it. That said, readership has dropped off a little again since I hit the road and didn't post for a few days I'm noticed a trend that 'No Post = No Hits'. Hardly Surprising...

I have read about one thing that I think I'm doing right. Blogs should be brave. The writer should be able to show conviction in their subject matter and stand by their words vehemently. This I'm pretty sure is a fair description of my writing style. The question I have to ask myself is; "Am I being brave, or am I being stupid?"

There's a very thin line between bravery and stupidity. Einstein often mused about human stupidity, famously saying; "Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former". I write bravely, but I'm pretty sure I write stupid stuff too. My audience when I started out was very much a social crowd, my friends, family and ex-colleagues. Now though, it’s more and more apparent that potential clients, actively engaged clients, people who really don’t know me, someone in Canada, someone in Czech Republic, a few in USA and a bunch in Australia pop up on the report. I don’t know who you are because the report only states the country location of the hit, nothing more. What I do know is that my honesty is going to divide opinion among those who don’t really know me, or have never had any direct contact. I’ve always been a Marmite character and I’m happy that I make an impression on people.

It’s kinda like going into Big Brother. What should my game plan be? How do I win the audience over so I’m ultra popular with all and sundry? My answer is to continue to be me. I mean, becoming a new persona now is going to be obvious and it’s going to destroy the purpose of this exercise. So far, I’ve not had anyone pipe up and tell me I’m out of order, or I’m upsetting them with my opinions or that they think I’m a mug for continuing writing into this open space. I think it’d be stupid to change. I’ve met new people, I’ve earned new business, I’ve cemented existing relationships and I’ve even been able to communicate to Fi with more clarity than I can with spoken words. This project has created a lot of love and this alone is reason enough to continue fighting through my minds eye through the medium of written words….

I’ve certainly reached a lot of eyes and provoked a few minds. As I’m quoting brilliant minds today, I’d like to share this with you, from a true genius, perfectly flawed;

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.” ― Jim Morrison

I continue to strive for freedom in my own manner. There is no point in tempering my personality on here. Freedom is about choice and the choice is yours, read me or don’t read me. Whatever you choose, please ‘Be Nice’ and please choose life. We are the children of the revolution….

If you’re with me, ‘share’ me, RT me, shout me up. If you’re against me, tell me, veto me, shout at me.

One Love

Jez

x

Good Morning Rat Fans....

Got home too late and too full of overpriced (but cheaply made) G&T's to blog last night. Full of song and wrongness too after a night watching Rocky Horror at the Hippodrome. Loved it, all the audience was up and dancing for half the time and everyone left with wide smiles. Entertainment aplenty...

Marge, however isn't in such a happy place, she's coughing and spluttering a little. I suspect a fuel pump/sensor/cat convertor/plugs/HT lead problem. Hopefully not too serious, so she's booked in to see the doctor on Monday for an MOT and a smear test.

Another frantic week has past in a blur and I've got stuff to do before Monday that I'd hoped to get finished/started yesterday. Not enough hours, but plenty of ideas. I know more than ever that I really want to be part of a positive movement, something that works to encourage a more trusting and fulfilling world. I'm tired of talking, complaining and tolerating. I don't fit in to the system, I want out, I want to be part of a new world, one where we all work in cohesion and without oppression. This week I've met people who simply want to do good, want to be players in the revolution, people who are being constrained by suspicion and mistrust. I feel like one of them even now and I'm pretty much free to be me and carve out my own future. I can honestly say that I am only ever going to run a straight business, a straight home life and a straight up set of morals. Admittedly, the lipstick and suspenders last night were a tad bent, but my social life is off limits!

This revolution WILL be televised (if I have my way). 

One Love

Jez

x

Good evening...

Happy Thursday people. It's been a busy and rewarding day today. I met a lovely lady at a wonderful charity and it's put me in a really inspired state of mind. I know I can help them and protect them from what is essentially a minefield out there. It's frightening how vulnerable charities are when dealing with commercial organisations full of promises and pomp. The way I see it, charities should be treated as beneficiaries by their commercial partners, not as cash mules. This is the second charity I've met with this week that outsources some of their fundraising (and rightly so) and it has really struck me just how exposed they are as organisations. I don't blame the commercial outfits, they're just businesses trying to earn a buck and most of the people have decent ethics. For me, every charity has a duty of care to handle it's donors funds in the most risk adverse and efficient way possible. The problem is that they often don't realise that with a little more clarity on how to manage their agency relationships and how to mitigate their risks, they would be ensuring every investment guaranteed a strong return. Is this where I fit in? Is this where my experience can find it's niche? Maybe, but for now I need to pay the rent, so giving myself up to all and sundry will have to wait....

It has been an intense couple of weeks. I've spent too much time away from home and I've been pushing myself to the limit. I'm really knackered, but I've managed to achieve loads since waking up on 3rd January and declaring myself fit for work again. I think I'm incapable of relaxing if I've got work to do and right now I'm in a place where the boundaries of my remit are so undefined that anything that crosses my path is potentially business. I was emailing someone past midnight last night and someone else at 8am this morning. Neither are paying clients, but both have potential, however small, to be assets in my new world. I see my time as something I need to surrender if I'm to have the ability to support this fast growing family of mine. They've focussed me, sharpened my mind, given me an absolute purpose. If I'm honest, it's exactly what i need because I've not been on my A-game professionally for a while. I'm getting back to my best, I'm starting to use parts of my brain that have long been shut down, I feel alive....

Of course, this is all good and well, but I'm still way short of being able to pay the mortgage at the end of the month once Fi waddles into maternity leave and the babbers come screaming out. The pressure is on, the urgency meter is cranked up to the max. But if you'd asked my on the 3rd Jan to forecast where I'd be on 17th Jan, I'd have probably hit my stretch target for the 2 weeks that have past. So why do I feel like there's so much more to do, so much uncertainty? 

I shouldn't worry, the company credit cards arrived today! Disco...! (I'm joking, well they did arrive, but don't worry, they're strictly for fine dining and holidays).

What's the moral to this story? I suppose it's all about the Karma Sponge really. I can't dedicate my life to giving time to great causes without looking after me and mine too. It's all about balance, about creating the time to be able to help people through plain old hard work in the first place. The phone won't ring with endless opportunity, I gotta pick it up and use it to create opportunity, after all it's what I do....

One Love

Jez

x

Morning!

Thought I'd update you early doors today. Never done a breakfast edition before, and I'm realising why already. The number of typo's I've made and corrected in this first few words is ridiculous!

So, went to the RM yesterday. Spent quite some time there actually, about 4 hours. Mostly in the waiting room, in-between being seen and then waiting for the denture to be reworked to fit my ever changing flap. The result? Well, i still sound pretty cleft, but I think the clarity of my words is better. My most important requisite was that I could be understood when talking. I think we got closer to that happening yesterday and they all worked hard and with a great attitude. I think my attitude was much more healthy too, so maybe there's a lesson learned in that my behaviours breeds behaviour. I feel much happier about it, even though in real terms the improvement has been small.

I did have to go for emergency drinks with a dear friend of mine who had been stranded. Locked out of her flat because a helicopter crashed into a crane literally metres from her window. What a way to wake up in the morning, a huge crash and blazing fire. Tragic loss for the 2 families of the fatalities. 

I therefore didn't get home in Bristol until fairly late and fairly distorted. I now feel fairly rough and face a more than fairly busy day involving a trip to Yatton and the badlands of Bridgwater to visit a wonderful charity. So, I have conclude this breakfast chapter post haste. Safe in the knowledge that this family is doing well, that my friend eventually mitigated the police barriers and evaded the police to find her bed, that today we're all here to tell this tale. Let's all 'Be Nice' today. 

One Love

Jez

x

Happy Suicide Tuesday!

Hope you're all feeling dandy today. I'm Ok, been meeting people, been driving the new family vehicle, been thinking a lot about how to shore up the defences and find some stability in this time of uncertainty. 

I've been filling my head with thoughts about mortality and morality a fair amount in this past week or so. My head is a little full of fuzzy logic, so I'm kinda struggling to figure out who I am to some degree. On one hand I'm a greatly exposed individual, facing the big bad world with nothing other than my wits about me. On the other hand, the world is my oyster; so many wishes are in the brink of coming true. On one foot I feel like a victim of multiple circumstances that I idealised about. On the other foot I feel empowered to still be fighting this hard after a 3-month period in my life that will quite possibly go down as the most brutal I ever face. 

I feel like I've got many personalities right now. The Chancer, The Optimist, The Victim, The Survivor, The Father, The ex-Talker, The Winner and The Loser. I'm sure that by reading this blog you can see the ups and downs as clear as night and day. I guess the extreme changes in my attitude bear a correlation to the extreme nature of my life. I can only assume that this is why I'm craving a little stability right now. I'm pretty robust in many ways, I get emotional every now and then, but I'm generally made of tough stuff. But, there's a limit on how much punishment I can absorb before the cracks start appearing. I guess the cracks are evident, and have been for some while. 

However, cracks are cosmetic really. They can be smoothed over without too much bother if there's no more subsidence to deal with. Stability then, it the key to a more at ease mind, body and soul. This is taking me ages to write tonight, which is a reflection of my addled brain. So many conversations, talk, chat, waffle and natter. So many meetings, so many greetings. 

I'm back in Royal Marsden tomorrow to have my denture worked on. I can't continue like this, on the phone to Fi tonight it was painfully frustrating for both of us. One desperately trying to sound normal, the other trying to piece together the words she did understand. The way i see it, the current denture isn't doing the job it was created to do, because the operation didn't do the job it was supposed to do. Therefore I need more from them. I can't leave tomorrow with no improvement or plan to create improvement, because this simply isn't tenable any more. Sure, I can use the speech impediment to comical advantage and tell my story to wow the crowds, but you know what? This isn't what I signed up for and I was never told to expect to be struggling to speak after 11 weeks. The other side effects I was told about have pretty much all reared their heads at some point (my foot is still so sore I can't wear trainers or shoes, the muscles in my face just ache and don't move, the shooting pains in my nose are only just subsiding etc). I think I deserve a little more focus than I'm getting now the cameras have stopped rolling, now we can't sell the story because the reality isn't what was sold to ITN, the reality is pretty far from what was sold. 

I'm off to clean myself. Wash away this rotten mood and drink some tea and chill out. Soap and Tea make a surprisingly great anti-depressant cocktail. I need to be up and clear headed tomorrow if I'm to articulate myself in a way that'll extract the best from the guys at RM. It's kind of like managing a team, creating the want to work, rather than telling them to get on with it. Empowering the people who have the power. 

I'm pretty good at getting the best from people. Let's see if I've got the charm to change this situation from 'thankless burden' to 'rewarding challenge'...

One Love

Jez

x

Short one tonight, but I don't want to dilute the message with my own petty ramblings. This one is for you Jack. 

I learned this morning that a friend passed on Saturday night. I just want to pass my respects to his family and anyone close, namely my old old mate Joe, Jack's brother. 

My blog entry last night was written in complete ignorance of this event. I found an old picture of us in Goa, 15 years have passed since then, 15 long years. I've put the picture on the gallery here out of respect for the moments we shared. 

Jack, I'll never forget those weeks living the dream with you in Goa. The beaches, the parties, the lobster, NYE 1997 at Hill Top and Shore Bar, the Mushroom Shack and the baksheesh to keep the party alive. All moments in time that will be the way I'll remember you forever. Top man taken far too early.

One love, bless up. 

Jez

x

And the Sunday evening horrors...

Evening all. From the estimated 300 people who'll read this post in the next 24 hours, I'm wondering how many of you have got that sinking, Sunday night feeling right now. Maybe you'll read this mid week, but as I write this, approaching 9pm on Sunday, I'm guessing over half the readership will be considering work in the morning/afternoon/evening with unwelcome emotions. 

For many years I've been mindful to try not to live in the looming shadow of Mondays. It has been a kind of mission of mine as an employer to try to mitigate that feeling in my employee's too. I know how it feels, don't get me wrong. I feel it regularly enough myself to know that the thought of people working for me go through the feeling anxious, dread, misery and that weird put of the stomach sickness is something to strive to avert if at all possible. I suspect that in real terms my success at trying to create an environment that people don't fear or dread is minimal, but try I have. I first stopped wishing my life away in 2003. I used to begin the weekend on Thursday night and ride it out, full pelt until Sunday night. I hated Mondays and Tuesdays with vengeance, wishing away the week until Thursday night when the cycle repeated itself. In reality, I spent half the week wishing it was another day and the rest of the week either drunk or full of the regret and self-loathing that the drink and excess left me with. Not an unusual behaviour pattern for a 20 something working in a call centre in Brighton. 

When I got hit with cancer, my attitude to life changed. My gratitude for having had a great 29 years was thrown to the fore and my attitude of living for the weekends totally disappeared. To have the misfortune to stare death in the face at the age of 29 after years of pretty much no responsibilities and no consequence to any action, was a mind-blowing reality check. I realised that you only get one shot at this thing and 'live fast die young' was suddenly past tense and 'dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today' kinda replaced it. I've pretty much rolled with this for the past 9 years. Broken down, the first part of this mantra is straightforward, 'dream like you'll live forever' is a state of mind I'd love every time my body went to sleep and let my mind take control. 'and live as if you'll die today' is not the expectancy of death at every step, it's the realisation that every waking moment is for living and our life force can be removed at any time. So, I stopped wishing half my week away and spending the rest of the time trying to escape from my reality. 

I’m not saying I changed my lifestyle completely and became a martyr to moderation. For a while I promised myself I'd change if I only got another chance. I said I'd never be so wild and I'd quit the festival and party scenes for a quieter life. But, if I'd taken all the pleasure from my life the cancer would have beaten me anyway. So, I got back out there and started enjoying myself again, but rather than relentlessly push myself into a state of self loathing and regret I learned to be grateful for the good times and not to wish away the rest of my life. Sure, since writing this blog I've wished away time for various reasons, I've wished to turn back time too (and still do in many respects), but right now I'm not living in fear of Monday because of my weekend excess, or because I hate my job (or both). I know I quit my job and therefore Sunday nights aren't the same for me, but my point is that for the past 7 or 8 years I've chosen employment I've enjoyed in the most part and been able to think about on a Sunday night without the horror creeping through my soul. Sure, I've had many of those Sunday night feelings and sure some of the Mondays and Tuesdays have been horrible. However, I don't run the clock down, watching it tick until home time as if it's my only salvation. More often than not I find myself running out of time putting in too many hours (yep, like the Martyr I am).

So, tonight, or next Sunday when the fear hits you. Please remember this blog entry. Life is too short, too fragile and too damn amazing to spend it worrying about Monday morning. Starting thinking about how great this week could be if you play your hand like a pro. You’re in control of your own destiny so if you don’t like something in your life, if something is so heinous that it makes you question your own validity, make a change. Whatever the obstacle is, move it, tackle it, dump it or work with it, but don’t live in fear of it because you’re a whole lot better than that.

'Dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today' - James Dean

One Love

Jez

x

Saturday in the Big Daddy House...

Alright friends and fiends, how's it diddling? 

I have to say that the more I think about this week and it's significance, the more I feel a sense of achievement and peace. All week I've been hanging out with people I want to be with. My mum, my meetings, my friends (old and new) and my lover. All have been on great form and have instilled confidence and warmth into my addled soul. 

This wouldn't have happened without my input, this much I am aware of. So what did I do to provoke such gaiety and positive motions? I've been thinking about it and although I'm not sure, I think this blog has been key. You see, everyone I met across all the corners of the country have been reading. I think with my recent history, it helps everyone know where I'm at before I arrive and splutter my story. I'm able to explain where I'm at without fear of breaking down myself or upsetting other people. With all parties aware of where I'm at, we can crack on to the next level, which is to mock and berate me for ever thinking things could possibly go to plan and just how far from the plan everything has deviated thus far...

I need not go into detail, but I didn't think I'd be sitting here on 12th January with my current dynamics laid out in front of me when I decided to go at it hell for leather a few months ago. I guess I'm an idealist and when I get an ideal in my mind I assume that the course is set for it to become a reality. The number of times the ideal actually realises itself is close to zero, so I'm wondering why I fall for my own patter so often. But, that's the role if the idealist isn't it? I want to believe that the Universe is always going to fulfil those dreams and philosophies in the manner in which I've projected. I like being an idealist though; it makes me happy to assume that things are going to be fine and dandy. A fool maybe, but a happy fool. And there's no fool like a happy fool...

What's my point? I don't really have one, but thinking about this has cemented an understanding that I've had for a long time. The universe chose me to have this cancer because I can handle it. I can use it to make me a stronger and better Jez. I know people who I love and people who I really hope never to have the misfortune of encountering again that my flirtation with mortality would have broken. I'd never wish cancer on my worst enemies, never mind my closest allies. I work with it, I live with it and at time I thrive from it. Of course, ideally none of us would have to wake up everyday and think about cancer within a few seconds of opening our eyes, but it's better that it's me than someone who it'd take into a state of oblivion. What I'm saying is, ideal or not, you can't keep a good man down. So bring it on, I'm coming right back at ya and you're gonna love it...

One Love

Jez

x

Happy Friday!

I'm home. I think I've covered something like 700 miles of train track this week. Pretty heavy when only 2 of the 6 journeys managed to arrive on time, despite all of them leaving promptly. I made it, but I'm not impressed with the creaking old beast that is our rail network. 

I am impressed however, with the productvity of this week. I do believe that getting out and about really helps cement relationships and mitigate the distance that distance creates. I get the feeling I'm going to be spending a lot of time out of Bristol over the next few months in order to build the foundations for a stable income and business network. I'm hoping there won't be too many weeks like this one, although it as been eventful and emotional and ultimately a rewarding few days. I'm keen to crack on and do everything within my capacity to make the magic happen before the babies come and change my whole world completely.

The babies has been the most discussed topic this week. Everyone's interested, most in a kind of state of disbelief that I'm going to be a dad, to twins. People who've known me for many years just laughing at the thought of my having to handle nappies. Jez, the guy who's scared of babies, the guy who no-one thought would ever grow up. Well, I've got news for you lot, I'm all paternal and everything. I'm right up for it and I'm totally committed to changing my selfish ways for the greater good. However, Fi and I are very much our own unit. The social conditioning that surrounds new parenthood, all the expectancies and weird 'advice' people try to force upon to to justify their own existences really aren't relevant to us. We're going to play our own game and we're going ask for help when we need it. I have complete faith in Fi, she's going to be an incredible mum and everyone who knows her feels the same way (unlike the kind of muffled sniggers I see when people hear I'm going to be a dad!). 

Babies and Cancer actually. This week has had a right old dose of the big C too. I've shown my scars at every opportunity and I've spoken in depth about all sorts of deeply trenched thoughts. I've learned a lot about myself this week and I've finished the week feeling a little shaky. It wouldn't take much to send me over the edge tonight, but as shaky as I am, I'm not miserable, I'm upbeat and I'm looking forwards to the weekend and to next week. I've got loads to get on with after the weekend, starting with the car auctions on Monday in pursuit of a bargain family vehicle. A couple of meetings in Bristol on Tuesday and back to Royal Marsden for work on the denture on Wednesday. I'll never have a 9 - 5 existence, it isn't possible for me to follow a routine that most people consider 'normal'. It's like I thrive without routine and stability, without security and guarantees. The anxiety I create (or seems to follow me around), is horrible at times, but it somehow 'drives' me forward because I don't know how to be a 'passenger' to the threat of failure (thanks for the analogy Chris). I break down, I hit the deck and then i get up and go wild and push forward with avengance. Why this happens, I have no idea. 

What I do know though, is when these little Jezza's arrive my ability to handle no routine and stability is going to be an absolute Godsend! Fi on the other hand, will have 3 lunatics to look after. Poor sod, it's a good job I'm a loveable rogue...

One Love

Jez

x

    Hi there strange folk…

I’m on the train right now with plenty to say. I think I’ll write this update in phases. Phase 1 on the train and phase 2 once I get back to my wonderful friends house in Brighton.

Phase 1 – On the Tracks

It’s been a mad week. Some wonderful moments, great advice, painful reality checks and new friends.

I knew this week was an important one for me. What I didn’t realise is that it would be as important emotionally. A lot of meetings booked in was the main purpose, with a hospital visit in the middle. 8 meetings by the time I get on the train tomorrow lunchtime out of Brighton is pretty good going by anyone’s standards, let alone mine.

I’ve met a fair amount of people this week and the resounding common theme has been a welcoming smile and genuine warmth. You know, it’s pretty odd to think that booking up meetings for what is essentially me looking for an income, new business etc has been such a humbling process. Everyone I’ve met has been keen to make sure I’m Ok before talking shop. It’s the way I’d be conducting myself should the roles be reversed, so it would appear we’re enjoying ‘Be Nice’ already this year.

I’ve done a deal, which feels great after a few months lurking in the shadows. I’m obviously still a little credible and can conjure up a charm offensive when I need it, even with my compromised voice. Confidence is something someone like me feeds on. I’m like a football striker (rhetorically ovb, not physically), I need goals to give me the faith I’ll hit the target. I need to eat, sleep and breathe the game to be able to play it with full assurance that I’m still good at it. This week has gone someway towards getting me back on track. Feels good.

This week has also been devastating at times too. I went into Royal Marsden yesterday full of optimism and smiles. I left in tears, literally. I hadn’t prepared myself for the worst and when I was told that my mouth wouldn’t be ready for operating on now until late April or May, it really put me on my arse. Best practice is to leave the damaged tissue for 6 months from the first operation. This puts me at 30^th April before the next one. Yesterday fell apart at about 4pm.

But, the company of 2 genuine people and 2 generous bloody Mary’s helped give me some perspective. I’ve proven I can still mix it up with the situation I’m in. It’s far from ideal to be eating like a monster and talking like I’m a walking nose, but rather than believe this affliction is preventative, I need to use it to gain credibility. 30^th April to too far away for me to be worrying about right now. We live this moment because we’re in it, not because of yesterday or tomorrow.

Today I met someone who I share many experiences and philosophies with. I’ve never had an internet date before and this is probably about as close as I’ll ever get. Chris is a blogger, a speaker, a cancer cheater and truly an inspiration. I’ve just met this guy today and have shared experiences with him that I’ve never shared with anyone else because they simply wouldn’t understand them in the same way. This is the way life is when you’ve had/have cancer and death is very much something you prepare yourself for, a long time before you’re ready. I’m not looking for sympathy, or tears, I’m just saying that some experiences cannot be shared with words or physical contact in the same way that someone who has walked in your shoes can. I feel there’s something significant to come from this friendship. I’d ask you all to see Chris’s story on his blog/community page, as it’s pretty damn incredible. Copy this into your browser and enjoy and share.

www.chris-cancercommunity.blogspot.com

Its very different to this blog. I write and make it all up as a go along. Chris only writes when he has something to say that’s worth saying. Both have their value I’m sure, I’m just making the point that this isn’t another mindless diatribe of random happenings, it’s an informed and genuine bloke, sharing wise words and a real insight into what it’s like to be a cancer patient and how you can make the most of your situation. It’s not the hand you get dealt, it’s the way in which you play it….

Soon be in Brighton. I bought a return ticket because it was 10p more than a single. I’m going to go into the queue at Brighton station and give it to someone who’s coming back to London. A random act of kindness and 2 fingers up at the greedy pig state who think it’s acceptable to rip off the captive public. Viva la Revolution…

And to the close of Phase 1. In summary, I’ve had a mad week so far. I feel really emotional actually. A little manic, which will be because I’ve been in hospital and I’ve been talking and thinking about cancer more than usual. I think I feel quite good though, kinda laughing at my tears because they’re ridiculous looking. All told though, I’m back in the game, like I was ever out of it, pah!

Phase 2 – Ice Skating and the fat tongued thrush

I managed to find someone that the ticket helped. But, I asked a whole queue of people in the ticket office if they wanted a free ticket to London, or any of the stops on the way and they all either turned their heads away, or said no. I mean, it's £25 to get to London and no-one was interested. If only people would 'Be Nice' a little more, random acts of kindness like this wouldn't scare people, or make them think I was the lunatic for offering a free ticket. We are the people, we can make the system work for us if we work it together. Anyway, one honest girl took the risk and got home for free in the end. Good for her. 

This evening has been another quality time with one of my most wonderful friends. And some other wonderful reprobates. Quality people, pleased to see me on the mend and enjoying a pint of ale.

I was tricked though. I was taken to the Pavillion to the Ice Skating rink. I mean, what sort of a friend would try and make me ice skate after watching me hobbling and grimacing down the road? It was a trick, because the ice rink has a pop up eatery branded by none other than everyone’s favourite fat tongued thrush, Jamie Oliver. Pig and bubble & Squeak, can’t say fairer than that on a cold winters eve.

I think there’s been something of an epiphany for me this week. The mania, the disappointment and the meeting of minds, ideas, souls and spirits has been somewhat overwhelming. I set out with survival in mind and I’m going to return home with a sense of perspective, understanding and achievement.

I know now that cancer will always be a major force within me, my life and the life of those close to me. It may sound cheesy, but I consider myself lucky in respect to the cancer thing. They got it out. I got better. I got to harp on about it and get attention from loads of wonderful people. I now have ridiculous scars that light up people’s faces when they see them. Sure, mentally there are times when I sit and cry in a dark room all by myself, but those times are few and far between and the support network I have is incredible.

I wonder how things would have panned out if I hadn’t been hit with cancer. Where would I be now? What would I be doing with my life? It would have been significantly different, no doubt. So, considering I’m totally in love, and I’m loved back. Considering I have the kind of support network around me that you simply couldn’t dream of asking more from. Considering I am  still here to tell the tale (repeatedly), I’d say that cancer kinda changed things for the better. But, if you asked me if there was any chance I could avoid it by turning back time, I’d take that option in a heartbeat, because nothing has fractured my mind, body and soul with such brutality. Nothing has devastated and continues to loom like it.

It’s like an addiction in some ways. There’s a perverse security in being someone who’s had cancer, or is suffering because of it. I don’t really know why, but I’m intrigued to understand more. One things for sure though, I have control. Right now, I know this is one of the rare moments in time that I have to harness. The possibilities are endless to those of us who choose life...

One Love

Jez

x

Yo

I'm still here. Not writing much mind. It has been an eventful couple of days. Good times coupled with not so good times. Balance...

Will pen and epic on the train to Brighton tomorrow..

Watch this space lovers..

One Love

Jez

x

Evening all,

Busy day today. Had some serious miles to cover via Paddington and Kings Cross. The rail network did good, so there's a small miracle in itself. I find myself with a little time on my hands now to write a few words, so write I will!

Blog entry number 101, and the last time I reference the number of entries for ages (I promise). 101, 101, what can I say? Ah, yeah Room 101. So, Room 101 is a place to banish all the crap stuff in your life. So, from this blog forward I'm moving on. I'm focussing on the new and the positive things in my life and ditching the shit. Excuse my language, I do try not to swear on this blog, but 'ditching the shit' has a certain je ne sais quoi about it, so I'm leaving it in. 

One thing's for sure, if I don't channel my energy into making 2013 and all the new and wonderful things in my life, the tired old shit will start muck spreading it's slurry all over the shiny new grooves. I add at this point that my health is very much a part of the current and immediate future. It's also a core aspect of this project so I'm not going to stop harping on about it if I've had a bout of pain, or I've got some concerns, or if I'm happy with progress. But, there's a saying I read recently that rings true for all of us, especially this time of year; "You can't reach for anything new, if your hands are still full of yesterdays junk". So, Room 101, take the junk from my trunk (although my arse is still like a bag of bones right now) and I'll reach for the stars and see if I can grab a glimmer of light in the process. 

Plenty of mileage again tomorrow. A meeting in the North and another one in London. 3 more on Wednesday in London and maybe another couple in Brighton on Friday before hitting the tracks home. If my leg after one day of sitting on a train is anything to go by, I'm going to be in some discomfort by Friday. Be warned; self pity is only 72 hours away...

Dinner tonight was an experience. I've never been to a Brewers Fayre before. Nasty business it is too. Huge people shovelling all you can eat Chinese grot down their flabby throats. 2nds, 3rds and 4th helpings being put away, sweat dripping from every wrinkle and groove. Kids being shown how to 'get value for money' from the bottomless cups of Pepsi is pretty upsetting to watch tbh. However, the fish and chips was damn fine. It's because I'm kind of in the North and you simply can't serve rubbish fish and chips up here or you'll get lynched by the Sweaty Gang. Apple pie went straight back to the chef who microwaved it mind. I didn't need it anyway, a lifetime on the lips...

This might not read like Jack Kerouac’s ‘On the Road’, but London’s calling and there’s always a seedy bar and Beatnikery to be had there. Hold on to your hats, this is the calm before the storm. Or the calm before the slight breeze at the very least….

One Love

Jez

x

Well, here we are..

This is the 100th entry in this blog. Today I've updated the welcome message on the home page because reading it just now it's obvious this project has taken a change in direction from the initial purpose for which it was intended. 

Diarising a trouble free and simple pre-operation state of mind, followed by a smooth as silk recovery so it could be used for sharing with future patients of my operation kinda went out of the window when the first set of stitching broke down in my mouth. Dark times ensued, more surgery and more broken down stitches did too. Not really an ideal advert for the procedure and far from the comforting biography any prospective patient may want to read. 

But, I've always committed that this blog would be as honest as it possibly could be. I look back now and I'm happy to say that this is me, open, honest and in all my complicated glory. I'm proud of it, I'm touched by the amazing support I've had because of it and I know my head is in better shape than it would have been right now if I'd not been able to express myself through it. 

I've not been able to write about everything in my life. Some things have to remain personal, it goes without saying. It's really difficult not launching into a ranting diatribe at times of angst and distress too. So in those senses although the blog is open and honest, it's also censored to protect the innocent, the guilty and me (I think I fall into both of these categories). 

With the ever growing baby bump and every pressing matters with the new business, the natural direction for this project is to move from something centred very much on me, to these other focal points. It remains to be seen if this will be totally the case as I'm intent right now on diarising MY thoughts and feelings and experiences rather than my professional life or that of my family. They command their own commitment, but maybe they're so all consuming they have to feature. It matters not really; virtually every entry has had no prior thought and has been typed totally off the cuff (evidently I'm sure). 

So, 100 and still banging on. Yesterday it was a featured story on someone else's website/online paper, record hits yesterday (259) and only a couple of days ago it hooked my up with a really great charity that I'm going to visit on 16th January to see if there's anything we can do to help them generate some revenue. Oh, that and holding onto my sanity, all be it by a small thread. I'm well chuffed and very thankful for everything that has come of this little slice of my world. 

That said, it's a big week ahead for me. On the road for 4 days, taking in meetings, the hospital and a little social along the way. I feel a lot is riding on this week for me. Obviously, the new business and securing new business is important, but also I need a resolution to my speech problem quickly. I am concerned that this denture has forced the flap back, away from the perimeter of the hole and it's now in a worse state than it was when I went to RM last time. Without the denture in, the hole is definitely bigger now. Whereas it was closing up naturally it now can't because there's a piece of acrylic pushed in the hole. Overall, this denture has been poor and I can't wait to see the back of it. Never have I wanted to get INTO hospital so much, but it'll be 10 weeks on Tuesday since my operation and to be in this situation after so long has become more than frustrating. I choose life, I don't choose to be fishing my food out of my sinus after every meal, I choose revolution, I don't choose a speech impediment. I choose life. 

Panic ye not, lovely people. All of the Apple products are joining me on the road, so the blog will be alive with the insight and wisdom of a man who's gaining knowledge and confidence by the hour. British Rail, I have faith. Make me love you, make me proud to have faith in you...

100 entries, 11,000 visits, 32,000 pages read. All I can say is 1,000,000 thankyou’s. Without you, I am merely talking to myself and you know what that's the first sign of....

One Love

Jez

x