Well, home again via the football field. Played in goal 'theatrically' and ultimately saved any risk to my legs and was in no state to run around anyway with a head full of cold. We won 5-4 and therefore won the league with 3 games to spare. So, that's one thing closed off this week. I'll be in hospital for next weeks game, but it matters not! It really matters not in the grand scheme of things, this I know, but I'm taking pleasure from this small success in the hope there are bigger ones on the horizon. My first picture in the gallery is of the league table! ha ha... 

It would appear that ITN could be covering the operation. Had a call today from the press office and I'm sending a mug shot so they can see that I've got a face for radio before the operation, nevermind afterwards..! Not sure on the details, but it'll involve a phone interview and the operation being videod for whomever has the stomach to see it I guess. Makes for interesting thoughts for me. I'm actually good with the attention, this will be no surprise to those of you who know me I'm sure, but having made the decision to be so vocal and open about my thoughts I suppose it's fated that something like this was going to happen. For me, selfishly, I hope it helps me handle the situation with more ease. For others who may face this situation I really hope I they can see this journey, relate to it and take peace and confidence from my journey. I just hope I maintain some dignity. 

So many more things to order and sort. Football and TV aren't really where I should be focussing, I know that much. I'm sure this stinking cold isn't helping me get my shit together about my other objectives. I think I'd rather share them if and when I acheive them. Less pressure on me and anyone else that they involve I suppose. I've seemingly taken the decision to refrain from using names of the people who I'm meeting, sharing, enjoying, struggling with etc. Maybe I'll do a big 'Thankyou to my fans' at some point. Maybe not. 

Had a lovely email from my mum today though. I failed to reply because I'm a flakey son, and my iPhone is really struggling with sending emails. 2 visits to the Apple shop and still it's not right. Thanks though mum x

I wonder what time I'll get to sleep tonight. Quite tired, but I've got stuff to think about which is the same stuff I seem to be thinking about all the time. 'What if' is a common thought. 

What if I become a Megastar?

One Love

Jez

x

So, from this moment forward I'm figuring a complete lack of toxins in my sytem has to be the way to approach this situation. I have developed a cough and cold in the past 24 hours, which I've clearly aided and abetted though a lack of sleep and too much socialising. Foolish, all things considered.

8 sleeps until the op and everything is getting real. It feels like the countdown is really on now and I need to tidy up as many things as possible this coming week, which includes a trip to the North for some sober social and a couple of potential meetings. Keeping busy feels like the right thing to be doing, but I also need to spend some much needed quality time with Fi as we've not seen each other for nearly a week and we both need to be in each others space right now really. Home tomorrow afternoon though, so that's cool.

Quite upbeat at the prospect of winning the 5-a-side league game tomorrow night. If we get a point we'll win the league with 3 games to play and it'll be my last game for a very long time. Has an air of closure about it that would be really rewarding considering we finished bottom of this league last season with only 1 win. Same players, just playing as a team rather than individuals. I suppose our sum have become greater than our individual parts.

I've got a feeling I won't sleep much this week. My mind is racing, over active, trying to create control over my destiny, but struggling because of the lack of definitives. The spectre of worrying about cancer is starting to bubble up too, maybe being back in Brighton, covering old ground is reminding me of the dark days post diagnosis. I'm asking so many questions in my head that I don't know the answers too, not just about the operation, but probably all brought into the fore because of it. The desire to want finality on stuff is probably a natural reaction, but pretty annoying all the same as I'm usually a lot more composed than this. 

So, detoxification of the body should hopefully bring peace to my soul over the coming few days (and nights). We'll see though, I suspect this story will take a few more twists and turns yet. 

One love

Jez

x

One thing I've experienced this week is an unwavering and humbling level of kindness from the people I've met. Since leaving home on Wednesday I've coveted a fair old number of meetings and social hook ups and although the excess and lack of sleep have left me physically broken, I feel really buoyed by the random acts of kindness and words of support I've had from everyone. 

The universe is apparently in an odd place right now. It was explained to me last last that when all the planets aligned on 11th August, we shifted into a more unstable reality. Whilst I struggle to absorb this type of thinking, the timing is pretty closely aligned to the start of many changes and the feeling of pressure in my own life. I fail to see how th planets have an influence, but who knows....

Another conversation I had this week covered the theory of Existentialism and the idea that death and being faced with it in a very real sense creates a reaction. Death and Life are independant of each other, though the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us. So many people who have been confronted with say, Cancer as I have, then go on to make changes, usually for the better in their lives once they effectively cheat death. Pretty heavy, but the context that it was presented to me was that this friend had seen this reaction in me and it had driven him to be inspired by me. Very kind words, if a little deep and complex for my ill educated mind. 

My faith in humaity has taken a massively positive boost this week. Thankyou everyone. 

One Love

Jez

x

Hope you enjoy this little ditty. It made me smile and consider that I'm lucky to have plenty of my own golf balls...

"A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll

Blimey, the mixture of a hangover, my ankle throbbing from an undisclosed injury at some point last last, being away from my wife to be, leaving my beloved job, trying to set up a new business with no capital and counting the days (11 of them) until I go under the knife are certainly playing with my mind today. There's a general feeling of uncertainty in my head, a lack of control over key aspects of my life that I usually maintain without too much bother. This operation is certainly making me over analyse things.

If asked to describe how I feel today in one word, it would be 'vulnerable'. Self belief isn't something I usually struggle with, so I'm sure I'll be on better form once these variables settle down. The reality is that taking all of these things on now should hopefully mean that in 6 months or so, life will be great and I'll be on top of the world once more. I know the ooutcomes I'm looking for, I just need to stick to the plan, stay focussed and create my own reality. 

But today, I'll wallow for a while. I'll maybe watch some Jeremy Kyle to remind me how lucky I am to still have some of my teeth! :)

One Love

x

Ok, so my update was extremelly brief yesterday, but I had a lot of stuff going on, most of which I've tried to memorise and let you know here. 

I had impressions of my teeth taken by the lovely Sarah, a good talk with Francesco about what the team are going to attempt during the operation that is causing so much attention, my pre-admission medical and a good telephone conversation with Catherine from the Press office about the potential of covering this operation with some media. Busy day!

The reason for taking the impressions and the press room interest and my surgeon pushing for coverage was unvieled. Whilst this operation is carried out with some regularity, it's usually completed in 3 stages. First stage is to remove my fibula alongwith a flap of skin and a blood supply and use it to replace/rahabilitate my missing maxilla, cover the whole in the roof of my mouth. 2nd phase (2 months later?) is to insert dental implants into the now stable bone. 3rd stage to to put dental veneers/teeth into the implants, thus giving me teeth and my mouth back after nearly 10 years! Seems compliated enough yeah?

Well, the proposal is that rather than do this in 3 stages, we're going to go at it ALL in one session from what I understand. This is apparently a world first and the reason there's interest in the op. 

The medical went well. Marcie (please forgive my if I've got your name wrong, I'm shocking at names!), was lovely and my results were great. 120/82 blood pressure, 1.91m high, 96kg, ECG was great once she'd cut some of the hair off my chest as it was intefering with the readings and hopefully the 3 sets of blood will come back cool. "Big and Strong".

How do I feel about it? Pretty good actually. I've decided that writing this blog is part of my therapy. I learned the hard way last time when I had the initial operation that pretending I was feeling fine and smiling off the demons and not talking about things was totally the wrong way to handle it. I think you could say it left me as 'damaged goods' :(. This time I'm going all out and telling the world how I'm feeling (for those of you that have any interest) in the hope that expelling my fears and thoughts will help me understand where I'm at with more honesty. So, the potential for BBC1 to be filming my operation and featuring it on TV is actually something I find a little exciting. What better way to force this old Northern beast to talk, to share, to cry and to laugh with other people rather than bottling things up and dying inside. 

Off for a couple of meetings in the city today. I have to say that I'm missing my colleagues at NTT massively. Not sure I'm that well suited to working on my own if I'm honest. I love people I suppose and self starting just me is a little tougher. Kinda like being managed by me, but knowing all too well what my motives are.... or something...

I know for sure though, that ever more so, my mantra will be: "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today" which is a quote James Dean said at some point. We share a birthday (8th Feb), so kindred in more ways than one.

One Love

Jez x

So, this might be a short one. I'm in the hospital right now and they have public Wi-Fi for free! Very impressed. I've discovered why they want to have the press office involved. They're going to try to do something they've never done before:

When my fibula is out they intend to put dental implants in and ALSO some veneers. So, I'll actually have some teeth before leaving the hospital. This is the bit no-one has ever tried before because of the swelling/sensitive tissue etc.

gotta go, I"m next up for blood tests. 4 of them! :(

One love

x

So, 2 weeks today they remove my whole fibula (bar 80mm at each end), along with some blood vessels, a square of skin. Then the lovely Mr. Kerawela is going to chop the bone down so it fits snuggly into my mouth, possibly insert some implants into it, fix it in with a couple of titanium plates and give it a blood supply from somewhere in my neck (via a slice from my ear to halfway down my neck). 

All in a days work for some, pretty intense for others (namely me!).

Weird thing is that today, I'm worried about money. I'm less bothered about not waking up than I am leaving my beautiful fiance, Fiona, with a bunch of credit cards to pay off and no obvious way of doing so. I don't really do 'worry' as a rule. I tend to think it's a wasted emotion, so it's odd to be feeling this way today. 

Played football last night for possibly the last time ever. We won the game, no thanks to my nervy left foot that I was pulling out of every challenge with, fearing I'd end up injuring it more than i already have and jeopardising the operation. I feel compelled to go next week, even to just play for 5 mins as we could win the league that night and I'd love to finish on a high. I wonder if my heart will rule my head and force my ego out onto the pitch?

Off to London tomorrow for some meetings/tests/frightening stuff at Royal Marsen, so it'll be interesting to see how i feel after that. Hopefully reassured that this is a good idea, rather than complete madness!!

Over and out...x

15 days until I go under the knife and I'm feeling pretty positive. Follow me on Twitter on @bigdaddyjezza for more updates.

Playing my last game of football in the league tonight, so it's going to be emotional! I just hope I don't damage my leg and end up delaying the operation!

One love x

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