Sunday Sermon XV - A moment of feeling old...x

Is it though bruv?

Another week has whizzed by, blurry and eventful. I caught myself feeling old on Thursday, which is unusual for me. Most people my age (I'll be 40 in February), say they feel old for whatever reason, but I had a flash moment this week that had me thinking about the milestone that is hitting me 5 months today. 

We had a day off on Thursday and took the train to London, Fi, the boys and I. We hooked up with a couple of lush friends and took to the park, via a mojito bar. 30 degree sunshine, a picnic fit for Royalty and Hyde Park in all it's beautiful people glory made for a perfect afternoon of laziness and happy vines. However, on a quick walk to the infamous public toilet, thinking about playing out my impression of George Michael I saw a few whippersnappers that were at least 20 years my junior, doing nothing much really. Smoking some weed I guess looking at the way they were laughing, hanging out, no reason to ever fear the consequence of any action they might decide to take once the giggles alleviated a little. I felt a short pang of melancholy, no that’s too strong a word. Envy maybe, just a tickle.

I’d say I’m a free spirit. But in that moment I had a reality check about who I now am. Taking a ‘day off’ to hang out with my family actually involved me taking my Mac and my iPhone on the train, making/receiving maybe 10 work related calls, loads of emails, reports and then meeting a client (all be it in the mojito bar). It also involved not using the underground because a double buggy which is fully laden with a day’s survival kit for 2 boys and one yummy mummy is a pretty heavy and wide load. My walk to the George Michael’s favourite hang out was also tainted by pain in my toe that had me wincing and hopping. That moment, I didn’t feel so free spirited any more.

There’s a lot riding on these shoulders it feels. Never before have so many seemingly depended on me being Jez at his best. Jez at his best is capable of a fairly heavy load and I do feel like every week I’m getting stronger. I just hope I can deliver everything to everyone without compromising myself or making myself step backwards emotionally. I’m off to the Royal Marsden on Wednesday, for a proper poke around, pre-op, before finally booking in and getting my mouth stitched up, hopefully once and for all. I can’t pretend it’s not weighing on my mind and the fact that I woke up this morning because of an excruciating pain in my left leg hasn’t helped. The mouth needs sorting, then I have to deal with my leg/foot/toe because I’m literally hobbling around the house today with no idea what happened to cause such a harsh breach of my slumber, but very aware that I’m extremely grateful that Marge has an automatic gearbox for the ride to the office in the morning.

You know what though. I’ve lived in the past; I got stoned in the park before they did. I could go and get stoned in the park now if I wanted too. I could live in fear of tomorrow, like so many of you do on a Sunday night, but I don’t do that any more either. Now, I live for today, because today has been a cool day just hanging out in the house and watching trash TV, eating naughty food and remembering how I know I’ll feel 5 months today. I’ll feel amazing, because I always do on my birthday. Since being told at the age of 29 that it would be unlikely that I’d see my 30^th birthday, every year feels special. 40 will be a milestone that most of the medical books (or bookies) would have given me some pretty long odds on. I’m getting older, bring it on because it really is starting to feel like I’m growing into my life.

Living in the past, or in fear of the future takes these moments, this moment from you. It compromises the quality of your real-time ability to live and enjoy the actual life you’re living. The past is dead, it was only an opportunity to learn. The future is nothing more than a guess. The only time is now, so make the most of it before it becomes a bad memory of self perpetuated guess work. Create your own brilliant reality because luck has nothing to do with it...

One Love

Jez (39 and 7/12)

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