Sunday Sermon X - Why I hate networking...

Hi peeps. 

Well, i can safely say that this week has been less fun and full of groove than last week. Last week was especially splendid mind, but this week was a distinct contrast. 

Home has been less harmonious. Work has been less productive. People have been more obstructive. I've been a creator of my own downfall. Marge broke down, bless ber. I have man flu. 

But, the thing that sticks in my head more than anything, is Thursday night's networking dinner and ball. I figure that in order for business to grow and prosper, i have to attend certain events, meet certain people, pretend like i know what I'm talking about and revise from my bullshit bingo phrasebook. One thing i always find myself trying to overcome, is understanding what it is that other people 'do' for a living. 

On Thursday, I sat at my seat around the table, flanked either side by white shirted, dickie-bow wearing men. Both experts in data, or direct marketing guru's I'm sure, just like me. So, why is it that when i ask these people, who operate in my field, that I can't work out what they actually do, or what they might have to offer me, or me them?

Conversations pretty much went like this;

"Hi I'm Jez, how's it going?" (with my voice, and the background noise, I repeated my name 3 times, before we settled on my name being Jeff).

"Hi Jeff, I’m Walt, I’m great thanks, bar the fact there’s no meat in the starter, I mean, aren’t they catering for men tonight? ha ha ha ha ha” (I’d heard this joke 3 times before it was delivered with such conviction to me)

Steely faced, unable to hide my immediate contempt, I replied; “Yeah, I guess you’re not a salad man?”. Then grabbed the bottle of white wine, over filled my glass, didn’t offer it to anyone else and averted my gaze to the left where the other carefully selected expert was waiting to find out what I ‘do’.

“Hi, I’m Jez, how’s it going?”

“Hi James, I’m Roger, I co-own Crazy Cool Ltd” and then the magic words….”what do you do?”

“I buy, sell, and create data and I fundraise for charities, among other things, how about you?”

I don’t remember what he said, but it was something that sounded like this; “Oh right, I hit the ROI for the client, with the ABC and the Doh Ray me in the place to be..blah blah blah”. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“OK, so what do you actually do?” I asked again. Grabbing for the white wine again.

“I sell at market value, end-to-end service, high level blah blah blah.” Again, I was none the wiser.

I turned back to my right, hoping to find more common ground and was met with an immediate question; “So, I just had the new A5 delivered, how about you?”. “Me, well tonight, on my way here my 2004 VW Touran broke down, so I don’t drive anything right now”. I followed with “What’s an A5? It sounds like a piece of paper”. Of course I know what an A5 is, but this guy wasn’t getting away with this ridiculous chain of conversation. He was flabbergasted, I reached for the white wine, it was empty, I grabbed the red wine.

3 courses. A whole hour of this nightmare ensued. I got drunk.

You get the picture. This is the type of superficial, egomania that drives me insane.  Mediocre food, forgettable people, good wine and only one beneficially, the organiser who charged £140 a ticket. We left the building full of contempt at the whole affair and proceeded to hit Cheltenham’s bars and clubs to at least drown our sorrows. Anyone who has been to Cheltenham will know that, rather fittingly, it has about as much charisma as dried rice.

Tonight, I’m sitting here knowing that I still don’t conform and I like that. I don’t fit in with the suits and the bullshit bingo. I build my network by doing a really good job, or by being a decent human being. I am free, I am an individual and I run my own race. I live in a small house, drive Marge (who is alive again, thanks for the concern), laugh a lot, love even more and give at least as much as a take from the Universe. I love my life. I can honestly say that I am happy with my lot.

You don’t need to know everybody on a superficial level, just know a few people on a trusting, honest level and they’ll do your networking for you, whatever it is that you ‘do’…

One Love

Jez

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