Mind Overload...

Righty,

Starting to get my head around the fact that this hasn't been a success. I can't talk, it sounds like I've got a cleft palate, which is pretty much what I have got right now. The seal is broken across about half of the flap. They never said this might happen at any point. The risk was that if some of the flap didn't heal it could leave a small hole, but this is the whole thing. It's like having a 2nd tongue on the roof of my mouth, for want of a better way of explaining things. I hope it's recoverable because this has been far too much compromise to end up with nothing more than a blog and no job. 

I can see the flap is alive, so I'm assuming all we need to do is reattach it to the place it's come adrift from, which may well be more general anaesthetic and maybe a skin graft?, but surely something can be done to rectify this problem. The tissue transfer, the bone implant, the blood supply etc all seem to have worked and they're the tricky bit. grafting the new tissue onto the existing tissue should have been relatively simple, but maybe my body has rejected that part, or the stitching was faulty, or all the swelling from having the teeth put in so early caused a reaction? Whatever has happened, I'm cool as long as it's fixable. If not, I'm going to really struggle getting my head together to have the whole lot removed. 

It's hitting my confidence. I don't want to see anyone because of the speech problem. I don't want to say more than the bare minimum number of words to Fi because it's embarassing to sound like this, nevermind friends and family. I hate the look of sympathy people have when I'm unwell. When I had cancer, or had just had it removed, it was the single most challenging thing to have to go through the motions of people asking me 'you ok mate?' or 'everything ok mate?' etc and them frightened of a negative answer and me not wanting to upset them so jsut saying 'yeah, really good, on the mend' etc. It didn't help me, made me pretend everything was fine when I was dying on the inside, just to protect everyone else. This is provoking similar feelings, so I'd rather write it down, tell you all where I'm at and then you won't have to ask me, or see me. Everyone's a winner! 

Upped the Tramadol dosage again, it's working though thankfully and the pain is being kept at bay. Can't shit for shit though, so I've added Senekot into the mix. Fi gave me some earlier that are out of date and my initial reaction was to think that out of date drugs might give me the runs, but.... 

Enjoy your Sunday Roasts my friends. I'll be joining you on solids soon enough, this is afterall, only a couple of weeks of my life and the best is yet to come.

One Love

Jez

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