Cancer is the loneliest trip imaginable…

Cancer is the loneliest trip imaginable…

It’s an odd experience, cancer. It brings family and friends together, with you. It breaks down the venom in your enemies, no-one wishes cancer on anyone, well other than the Dutch, oddly enough, who say “Kankerlijer” to you if they don’t like you, which translates into “Cancer Sufferer”. Anyway, I digress.

Cancer, you’d think is something you share with everyone else. It certainly feels that way to everyone else. But, I’ve always found it something that distances me from the rest of the world, even my most loved and trusted. I bleat on about it all the time, hiding behind it, using it to get me free prescriptions because the pharmacist dare not charge me when I pull the cancer card out and I write about it loads (obviously), so it’s a strange thing to put out there really, that it’s a lonely journey.

10 years on I still sit and think about the tumour, the reality that it still might metastasise in my lungs or liver at any time and if it does (as happens in over 50% of cases with this specific type of cancer), it'll pretty much be curtains for me within months. It’s not possible to talk about this to anyone in any details really because verbalising the rational and the irrational thoughts is like a minefield of emotional trauma for all concerned. It’s much easier to segment it off and keep the majority of these thoughts to oneself. They say that London, with its 12 million people and 24 hour lifestyle is one of the loneliest places on earth when you really need a friend. My experience of cancer is similar, so many people who want to help, want to support me, but no-one I really want to share this thing with most of the time.

This blog has given an insight from my psyche to so many people.  Fi reads it and learns loads because talking to the internet is easy for me. Talking to the eyes of the people who care about me just tears me up inside when I know it’s upsetting them. I’d rather not create distress in other people and keep the demons within because cancer is demonic enough without it forcing its darkness into loved ones.

Thankyou for being there for me whenever I’ve needed to reach out. Thankyou for reading this blog and helping to support my need to share, all be it without looking you in the eye. Things are better now than ever. I have so much more to live for than ever. Together with your support I’m stronger than one man…

One Love

Jez

x