12 Months on - Am I just a brave face painted over a broken smile? ..x

Hi lovers

Well, today is the day, one year ago right now I was in theatre, out cold, surrounded by talented innovators and about 3 pints of claret. ITN were hanging out to getting some gruesome shots of the carnage. I was in no fit state to be talking and moonwalking. Jobless, directionless, frightened, unconscious.

What a year. So so much has happened, so many spanners in the works, so many beautiful moments. Still so far from the simple reality that I’d been sold and that I’d foreseen. So much more enriched though, emotionally & spiritually I’ve come a long way towards finding really fulfilling dynamic at home, professionally and with the Universe.

I’ve been feeling pretty weird today. Kinda feels like I’m looking at myself from a balcony, or through a window, to check up on myself to see if I’m alright, or if I’m a just massive liability..!

Truth is that I can’t really tell how I’m doing by looking over my own shoulder. I need to talk to me to really find out how I’m doing, if I’m just a brave face painted over a broken smile. It’s a pretty tricky day to be picking apart my head to be honest. The vulnerability I feel right now, as I type, suggests that despite my obvious continually improving state of mind and sense of inner strength, I’m not fixed, not properly, not yet anyway.

The pain is so hard to overcome when it’s so relentless. 12 months and every single day has been riddled with aches and pains. Today I’ve had to resort to Tramadol and Ibuprofen to take the edge off my throbbing mouth. Long term pain is a real emotional test, something you find yourself grinding out and trying to become accustomed too.

Rudy, Felix and Fi however more than compensate. 12 months ago we’d just found out we were pregnant, it wasn’t until the end of November that I dragged myself to the first scan on crutches to find out it was twins. I couldn’t have asked for anything more fantastic than this family unit. It’s tough at times, but those boys have such an amazing lust for life, something I really hope I’ve helped them with genetically. Felix especially is just a chaotic ball of loving energy, some would say ‘A chip off the old block’.

12 months is a snippet of time, but this 12 months has been the defining year of my life, no question. 10 years ago having cancer was so much more straightforward and in many ways easy to deal with than the complex highs and lows of the rehabilitation (if that’s what you can call it). Writing this is upsetting me, I was feeling a little reflective when I started this entry, now I have one question rattling around my head that I don’t want to answer because I know the truth is that I do wish I hadn’t had this operation. I wish I’d understood the risks, the potential for the problems I’ve had, the length of time I’d be in pain, unable to exercise, unable to say my sons name without holding my nose. Truth is, I’ve had enough of hobbling around in espadrilles and neoprene slip-on’s because I can’t wear even my Air Max 1’s without being in serious pain.  Mostly though, it’s the reality that I may never be able to talk or walk properly again that hangs over me. The consequence wasn’t worth the risk, period.

However, it’s a good way for me to excuse pretty much anything. I can belch, fart, swear, steal, embezzle & murder. All I have to do is pull out my cancer card and people are obliged to excuse me because it’s not my fault.

 In times like these there’s 3 great fixers;

1. fish & chips,

2. a new car,

3. the love of a good woman and my boys.

Tonight I’ve ordered all 3, because I bloody deserve them…

Bring on the next 12 months, kindness, love and inner peace are within me, the storm is calming, the suns rays are shining through. I’m back and despite the ongoing challenges, I’m bigger and better than ever baby.  Trust.

One Love

Jez

x