The Chancer, The Victim, The Survivor, The Father.....

Happy Suicide Tuesday!

Hope you're all feeling dandy today. I'm Ok, been meeting people, been driving the new family vehicle, been thinking a lot about how to shore up the defences and find some stability in this time of uncertainty. 

I've been filling my head with thoughts about mortality and morality a fair amount in this past week or so. My head is a little full of fuzzy logic, so I'm kinda struggling to figure out who I am to some degree. On one hand I'm a greatly exposed individual, facing the big bad world with nothing other than my wits about me. On the other hand, the world is my oyster; so many wishes are in the brink of coming true. On one foot I feel like a victim of multiple circumstances that I idealised about. On the other foot I feel empowered to still be fighting this hard after a 3-month period in my life that will quite possibly go down as the most brutal I ever face. 

I feel like I've got many personalities right now. The Chancer, The Optimist, The Victim, The Survivor, The Father, The ex-Talker, The Winner and The Loser. I'm sure that by reading this blog you can see the ups and downs as clear as night and day. I guess the extreme changes in my attitude bear a correlation to the extreme nature of my life. I can only assume that this is why I'm craving a little stability right now. I'm pretty robust in many ways, I get emotional every now and then, but I'm generally made of tough stuff. But, there's a limit on how much punishment I can absorb before the cracks start appearing. I guess the cracks are evident, and have been for some while. 

However, cracks are cosmetic really. They can be smoothed over without too much bother if there's no more subsidence to deal with. Stability then, it the key to a more at ease mind, body and soul. This is taking me ages to write tonight, which is a reflection of my addled brain. So many conversations, talk, chat, waffle and natter. So many meetings, so many greetings. 

I'm back in Royal Marsden tomorrow to have my denture worked on. I can't continue like this, on the phone to Fi tonight it was painfully frustrating for both of us. One desperately trying to sound normal, the other trying to piece together the words she did understand. The way i see it, the current denture isn't doing the job it was created to do, because the operation didn't do the job it was supposed to do. Therefore I need more from them. I can't leave tomorrow with no improvement or plan to create improvement, because this simply isn't tenable any more. Sure, I can use the speech impediment to comical advantage and tell my story to wow the crowds, but you know what? This isn't what I signed up for and I was never told to expect to be struggling to speak after 11 weeks. The other side effects I was told about have pretty much all reared their heads at some point (my foot is still so sore I can't wear trainers or shoes, the muscles in my face just ache and don't move, the shooting pains in my nose are only just subsiding etc). I think I deserve a little more focus than I'm getting now the cameras have stopped rolling, now we can't sell the story because the reality isn't what was sold to ITN, the reality is pretty far from what was sold. 

I'm off to clean myself. Wash away this rotten mood and drink some tea and chill out. Soap and Tea make a surprisingly great anti-depressant cocktail. I need to be up and clear headed tomorrow if I'm to articulate myself in a way that'll extract the best from the guys at RM. It's kind of like managing a team, creating the want to work, rather than telling them to get on with it. Empowering the people who have the power. 

I'm pretty good at getting the best from people. Let's see if I've got the charm to change this situation from 'thankless burden' to 'rewarding challenge'...

One Love

Jez

x