'Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something....'

“Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.” ― Jarod Kintz

I’ve been thinking today about the constant fight for freedom I feel like I’m rolling with. Freedom from Cancer and its mental torture. Freedom from the Social Conditioning that’s constantly being thrown at me. Freedom to be me and not who ‘they’ say I should be.

It has really occurred to me that this freedom is an impossible dream if I can’t open my mind to think freely. Without the constraint and expectancy I apply to myself, rather than society applies to me. I’m now locked in my own prison, trying to suss out how to rid myself of self-applied conditions.

It has made me think about the Sadhu’s I used to sit with and try to share my imagination with in India. Essentially, a Sadhu will sacrifice all of the pleasures in life, such as clothing, a home, any material possessions and give himself up to his cause. Be it religion, spirituality or (as it would appear is often the case), smoking chillums of dope all day in the name of said God or cause. If the only way to find freedom is to sacrifice ones pleasures, surely this is much easier in India than it is in England. I mean, it’s OK wandering around barefoot in a robe in India, I’ve done it myself. But over here, in the snow, I guess I’d be locked up for being a lunatic/sex case/danger to society. So, a less extreme, or less complete freedom will have to do.

After all, I need to be a father first. To be father unfortunately I have to have an income to fund the home, the clothes, the material possessions that my family need in order for them to function in society. Branded nappies, cute little rompers, bouncers and sterilised bottles are all essentials. Aren’t they?

You now understand my quandary. To be free I need to be fulfilled. To be fulfilled I need to provide for my dependants. To provide for my dependants I need to conform. To be free I need to conform. It’s some sort of perpetual motion.

However, I’m determined to press on with freedom from Cancer. Being the guy who had cancer is kind of who I am. This I’m cool with, but what I’m not cool with is the looming darkness that seems to accompany the scars and other constant reminders that I’ll always have to be very aware of my physical misfortunes. I can be free and be aware though. I just can’t be free whilst in fear.

I don’t have the answers today. I’m still trying to figure out how to manage this journey. I’m on it though, and I am living with my ‘I had cancer, cancer didn’t have me’ mantra. Good starting points.

Must dash, I’ve got to earn some dirty money to buy something I can consume. Nobody’s perfect, I’m work in progress after all!

One Love

Jez

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