'Dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today'

And the Sunday evening horrors...

Evening all. From the estimated 300 people who'll read this post in the next 24 hours, I'm wondering how many of you have got that sinking, Sunday night feeling right now. Maybe you'll read this mid week, but as I write this, approaching 9pm on Sunday, I'm guessing over half the readership will be considering work in the morning/afternoon/evening with unwelcome emotions. 

For many years I've been mindful to try not to live in the looming shadow of Mondays. It has been a kind of mission of mine as an employer to try to mitigate that feeling in my employee's too. I know how it feels, don't get me wrong. I feel it regularly enough myself to know that the thought of people working for me go through the feeling anxious, dread, misery and that weird put of the stomach sickness is something to strive to avert if at all possible. I suspect that in real terms my success at trying to create an environment that people don't fear or dread is minimal, but try I have. I first stopped wishing my life away in 2003. I used to begin the weekend on Thursday night and ride it out, full pelt until Sunday night. I hated Mondays and Tuesdays with vengeance, wishing away the week until Thursday night when the cycle repeated itself. In reality, I spent half the week wishing it was another day and the rest of the week either drunk or full of the regret and self-loathing that the drink and excess left me with. Not an unusual behaviour pattern for a 20 something working in a call centre in Brighton. 

When I got hit with cancer, my attitude to life changed. My gratitude for having had a great 29 years was thrown to the fore and my attitude of living for the weekends totally disappeared. To have the misfortune to stare death in the face at the age of 29 after years of pretty much no responsibilities and no consequence to any action, was a mind-blowing reality check. I realised that you only get one shot at this thing and 'live fast die young' was suddenly past tense and 'dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today' kinda replaced it. I've pretty much rolled with this for the past 9 years. Broken down, the first part of this mantra is straightforward, 'dream like you'll live forever' is a state of mind I'd love every time my body went to sleep and let my mind take control. 'and live as if you'll die today' is not the expectancy of death at every step, it's the realisation that every waking moment is for living and our life force can be removed at any time. So, I stopped wishing half my week away and spending the rest of the time trying to escape from my reality. 

I’m not saying I changed my lifestyle completely and became a martyr to moderation. For a while I promised myself I'd change if I only got another chance. I said I'd never be so wild and I'd quit the festival and party scenes for a quieter life. But, if I'd taken all the pleasure from my life the cancer would have beaten me anyway. So, I got back out there and started enjoying myself again, but rather than relentlessly push myself into a state of self loathing and regret I learned to be grateful for the good times and not to wish away the rest of my life. Sure, since writing this blog I've wished away time for various reasons, I've wished to turn back time too (and still do in many respects), but right now I'm not living in fear of Monday because of my weekend excess, or because I hate my job (or both). I know I quit my job and therefore Sunday nights aren't the same for me, but my point is that for the past 7 or 8 years I've chosen employment I've enjoyed in the most part and been able to think about on a Sunday night without the horror creeping through my soul. Sure, I've had many of those Sunday night feelings and sure some of the Mondays and Tuesdays have been horrible. However, I don't run the clock down, watching it tick until home time as if it's my only salvation. More often than not I find myself running out of time putting in too many hours (yep, like the Martyr I am).

So, tonight, or next Sunday when the fear hits you. Please remember this blog entry. Life is too short, too fragile and too damn amazing to spend it worrying about Monday morning. Starting thinking about how great this week could be if you play your hand like a pro. You’re in control of your own destiny so if you don’t like something in your life, if something is so heinous that it makes you question your own validity, make a change. Whatever the obstacle is, move it, tackle it, dump it or work with it, but don’t live in fear of it because you’re a whole lot better than that.

'Dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today' - James Dean

One Love

Jez

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